#9 Am I bound to give diamond back to ex- fiancé? / Stuck in materialistic survival mind

Dear Ann Landers: I was engaged to marry a man in Arkansas. Instead of a ring, he gave me a secondhand car that was in good condition because he knew I didn’t care for jewelry and needed transportation. I broke the engagement a few weeks ago when he informed me that we would have to live with his mother "indefinitely." His mother is 54 years old. Do I have to give the car back?NO NAME IN LITTLE ROCK.

Dear No Name: I’m not sure. Write to John G. Martens in Ames, Iowa. Maybe he’ll know. —Ann Landers

Gabby Note: Ann is referring to another letter in which John, an attorney, verifies an answer Ann gave in another reply. John wrote, ". . . a woman is under no obligation to return an engagement ring after marriage." John continues, "However, you were wrong to say, 'An engagement ring belongs to the woman to whom it was given.'" John also wrote, that in Iowa, and some other states, ". . . if the marriage does not occur, the ring is the property of the donor."

Gabby's Response:

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Gabby’s Response:

Hi No Name: Whether or not you give it back now or later is your choice. What's not your choice is: Until you return it to him you’ll never experience being whole and complete. For the rest of your life, every time someone does something unfair to you, you’ll have to suppress the thought that it may be a consequence of how you treated "engaged." Your mind wants to be right at the expense of another’s aliveness.

You did right to break off the engagement, however, the reason you give, as to why you terminated the relationship, is not the truth. Your adversarial position, [tough luck sucker, it’s mine, and, it’s not a ring], reveals there was/is no experience of love in the relationship. People with whom there is the experience of love don’t fight over possessions. It could be said that you conned a "sucker" into you giving you a car and then dumped him. Not a pretty picture.

Any man who would marry you knowing how you treated your ex-fiancé, will unconsciously be wondering how they will fare eventually. A man who would marry you, with your present philosophy, would be equally survival-oriented. He would be lacking in compassion for his fellow males by rewarding someone who would treat another like that.

Even if you don't tell your next partner he would still reap the karma of unconsciously supporting you in your greed. That is to say, you'd do it to him also, such is your unresolved anger.

It would work for you to recall who hurt you so much that you're driven to hurt others; there's a lie in your memory of that incident.

Thank you, Gabby

PS: The Relationship Communication-Skills Tutorial describes how to create a mutually satisfying communication model.

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Check back occasionally for minor edits (last edited 11/9/15)

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