#49 Boyfriend talked about another girl during sex /
Spontaneity missing from communication model
Dear Annie: I have been
dating a wonderful man for about six months. Last night, while we were in
middle of making love, "Andy" asked me if I thought his buddy’s girl
friend was attractive. I was stunned.
Obviously, Andy thinks this girl is good looking or he wouldn’t have mentioned it, especially at that particular moment. We have an open and honest relationship, and I do not want Andy to think he cannot confide in me, but I’m confused. The poor girl has no idea she entered our bedroom, but right now, I dislike her intensely. What should I do? —RESENTFUL IN CALIFORNIA
Dear Resentful: Don’t make assumptions about how attractive Andy found this girl. You could be wrong. And even if you are right, it doesn’t mean Andy intends to act on the attraction.
If you trust him, forget he opened his mouth. If he does it again, tell him it’s a major turn-off to discuss other women in the bedroom. —Annie
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Hi Resentful: You ask what you should do. Let's begin by expanding your understanding of the words "open and honest" and, add "spontaneous" to your communication model. Without spontaneity you’ll remain stuck in talking and never master intercourse.
Your resentment and your use of the word "middle" refers to the fact that you have a routine and expectations. This is as far from true intercourse as is running from crawling. However, you're doing fine, your consideration is natural and part of the mastery curriculum.
While it's true that you must set boundaries as to what subject matter/activities you will not tolerate, (see Creating a marriage vow that precludes cheating) it's also true that you can accidentally, unconsciously, shut down communication by banning certain subjects, thereby stifling your partner's spontaneity. Often shutting down a topic is done non-verbally; that is to say, you can unconsciously train him to not talk about certain subjects (to withhold and deceive). Read: Must-have conversations with your steady/fiancé.
It's my opinion that those stuck in pedophilia had a thought, when they were young, which they stuffed (read Parent-Child Bedtime Clearing Process). The thought then became refined and more real which eventually became acted upon. The same goes for cheating; when a spouse stuffs "attraction-for-another-thoughts" the thoughts sometimes grow into refined and detailed fantasies which are often manifested physically.
What works is to re-create what your partner is creating for you, which also happens to be a fundamental of communication. What you've done is to unconsciously create him creating something for you and then you resist and invalidate his creation. Mo betta you create consciously, yes?
In a relationship in which everything before and after a climax is foreplay everything works. In tantric sex pauses are desired and intended. Sometimes a man, to preclude ejaculation, so as to prolong the experience, dredges up a thought from seemingly nowhere. Without asking him we can't be certain if perhaps his unusual topic was serving to distract him from his sensations. He might not even be conscious that he does this little trick, partly to give you more pleasure.
For a relationship to work* both must be willing to hear everything that has ever been said by everyone who has ever lived. When one has such freedom of expression nothing builds up. A person who can hear (get) anything another might say and not react to it is said to be clear/enlightened. A clear person creates space for communication to take place, they are able to simply "get" another's communication and do nothing with it—not from a decision to stuff their thoughts but because they can see both the truth and the falsity in everything; most importantly, they know that everything is both real and not real. They have processed/completed life's incompletes that here-to-fore triggered knee-jerk reactions over which they had no choice but to comment on or argue about. A good starter for you is to talk with him about your very first instance of jealousy—with the intent to disappear your reaction and to intend that you both have fulfilling supportive (read prosperous) relationships with both men and women.
In a relationship that lacks spontaneity each must stuff thoughts at certain times. Thoughts withheld become barriers to the experience of communication and love. Soon each is doing his/her imitation of communication and wondering where the giggly joy has gone.
Notice that you stuffed your experience of his thought and tried to communicate on top of stun, confusion, upset, resentment, and jealousy. This is not "open and honest." Had you communicated your experience verbally the confusion, upset, and resentment would have disappeared. Notice that you are still incomplete. That's called dragging an incomplete into the next conversation. If you look closely you'll see that his "attraction" communication merely added to your growing list of accumulated withholds; you were in fact reacting to another earlier and similar stuffed incident. This addiction to withholding could be you masterminding a divorce; we'll know in ten years. A valid test is if you find yourself dragging prior arguments (incompletes) into present time. i.e. "You never . . ." "You always . . ."
BTW: Just as you verbally withheld from him your judgment of his communication, you can be absolutely certain that he is withholding certain thoughts from you. Withholders always attract withholders, there are no exceptions to this entanglement phenomenon. I say "verbally" because you have in fact been dramatizing that upset, and others, non-verbally. Your withhold has been having an undesirable effect. Mulling such thoughts affect one's aliveness, eventually one's health.
You can't get to the truth of what his question was about until you create some space for communication to take place. To create space, which will also support spontaneity, start journaling; or, you can begin by doing The [free] Clearing Process.
BTW: To maintain the experience of love, for the love between you to grow, you must cause (inspire) all others to love you both. The communication skills it will take for you to expand your circle of trusted friends are the exact same skills it will take for your relationship with him to work.* One of your jobs (in support of his continued success, health, and prosperity) is to keep bringing in more and more friends into your circle of friendships. If you find that you have manipulated him into giving up (irresponsibly dumping) his former male and female friends then what you call love ain't love. Love between you inspires all others to want what you have, to want to interact and support your community/financial projects. I.e. Invite his buddy and girl friend to dinner (dinners are more conducive to truth-telling conversations than backyard parties). —With love, Gabby
* There are three kinds of "work:"
1) Work as in—how you communicate with each other produces mediocre results for you and all with whom you relate. It's characterized by lots of blaming, broken agreements, and arguments with one or two ineffectual gossiping "friends" with some laughter but little or no happiness or experiences of joy. "Ineffectual" meaning: Problems discussed behind the backs of others causes more of the same results.
2) Work as in—growth and expansion and lots of happiness—both partners having a handle on their prosperity and health; they have the ability to create the experience of love and joy at will via a few conversations. This communication model works for them but for the most part keeps their friends and other relatives stuck in mediocrity. This communication model is referred to as the adversarial communication model; its fundamental principle is survival—always at the expense of others.
3) The third "work" refers to having your relationship work not only for you and your partner but for all with whom you both relate. Problems discussed are resolved. It's what's referred to as service. A life committed to service produces entirely different results for everyone. Service requires a commitment to communication mastery. With this communication model, this purpose in life, both partners are enrollers, both enrolling others in having life work, everyone supporting each other's community projects.
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Check back occasionally for minor edits (last edited 11/16/16)