#48 Concerns about my boyfriend's friends / Abuse addict
Dear Prudie: Can two
people have a long-lasting relationship if one of them doesn’t like the
other’s friends? My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. We
love each other. However, I don’t like his friends.
They are the sort of people who, if you mention you like the Back Street Boys, will exclaim, "Oh no, ‘N Sync is really the best boy band." And once one of them mimicked me while I was telling a story.
Some of them have been friends with my boyfriend since elementary school. I’ve told him that I refuse to be with his friends anymore, and he’s OK with that, but I’m worried about the implications for our relationship. —WORRIED
Dear Wor: It means you have very different tastes in the kinds of people you enjoy being with. There is something, however, about longtime friends that gives them special status.
The real test for your relationship is this: Do the friends you’ve made together suit both of you? A couple with totally different criteria for selecting friends does not have the best chance for a smooth future. —PRUDIE, COMPATIBILITY
Hi Wor: The brief answer is yes, two people can ". . . have a long-lasting relationship if one of them doesn’t like the other’s friends?" but not happily as primary partners.
Yours is a great question to be asking during this phase of the relationship. You are fortunate to discover now that you are addicted to abuse.
An actualized confident young woman would have put a stop mid-sentence at the very first expression of abuse. She would have somehow communicated, with a look, or comportment/demeanor, or words, or, (if powerful and clear about abuse), through intention, that such behavior was unacceptable around her. If all failed she would have announced she was leaving.
If you were complete with your experience of abuse such behavior around you would be unthinkable. At best it was a set-up—they were unconsciously hoping you were mature and confident enough to catch/stop them. Your silence communicated that you are unworthy of respect and therefore you caused (unconsciously intended) the abuse to escalate, so as to have this conversation. Brilliant of you yes?
Notice that you chose a boyfriend equally addicted to, and supportive of, abuse. He is oblivious (it’s called in-denial) to the abuse others inflict upon the one he "loves." That you couldn’t recognize the behavior as abusive says that you also are in denial. That he didn’t stop them means he’s an enabler. He most likely would support his parents in abusing you.
Also, you wrote, "They are the sort of people who, if you mention . . ." This is badmouthing and stereotyping. Most assuredly I would have gotten a different response. A conscious person, intent on relating the facts, as opposed to labeling them and blaming him, making him wrong, would have written, ". . . and when I mentioned that . . ."
A good question to ask is: How did he know, with certainty, that you would put up with the banter of his friends? The answer: You communicated it non-verbally. There's something about your aura that doesn't inspire respect. Your integrity is out. It could be said that you've lost some of your wholesomeness. This comes from the many abusive interactions you've had throughout life (most likely arguing, yelling and make-wrongs with parents). Each interaction didn't feel good to the other. Each incident traumatized yet another of your face's happy muscles. BTW: These incompletes, these less than satisfying communications, can all be completed using The Clearing Process (it's free, it works).
Here's a gross analogy: If he knew you were considering entering a convent I'm guessing that he wouldn't have dared to ask you out because he knows he's not on the way up, not deserving of a "nice" girl if you will—too good, too nice. If you've been intimate with him then he knows you don't deserve respect. Why? Because you supported him in supporting you in deceiving your parents. Any boy who supports a girl in deceiving her father is not on the way up; he will need to crash and burn so as to experience the karma of conning and deceit.
That you were unconscious and magnetically attracted such a boy, and that you were virtually incapable of nipping the abuse in the bud, reveals you need some counseling to get to the source of your addiction. It began with a specific conversation when you were x years of age. You were in the ____ room and your father, or mother, said to you, " . . . " Until you find and complete that conversation to satisfaction you will be at effect of abuse, both as cause and as recipient.
All abuse begins with incident number one and is either sanctioned and rewarded (and therefore unconsciously intended) or it is stopped and cleaned up (completed) through to mutual satisfaction, to include the statement, "Yes, I get that that was abusive. Thank you for catching it." Else, the incident remains an incomplete for life, effecting all one's relationships.
Even if you dump him your addiction will cause you to find another victim to blame for the effects of your leadership-communication skills. The fact that you have written a columnist (instead of having this conversation with your parents) reveals that your relationship with your parents is not a mutually supportive one. You'll keep producing the same results until you complete your relationship with your parents.
There are conversations that will reveal if you are dating a person of similar values. i.e. Pro choice? Did Hillary support Clinton in lying to the public? Spanking children acceptable? Prenuptial agreement? The answers to these questions are excellent predictors of compatibility. These topics address where another is about the fundamentals—control, support, lying, abuse, sexist/gender bias, partnership, possessions, and money. —Gabby
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for minor edits (last edited 2/4/13)
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Check back occasionally for minor edits (last edited 2/4/13)