Granted, for years she was physically abused by our father, our mother was cold and emotionally abusive, and I guess the family was unsupportive. But no family is perfect. Right?

Everyone in the family thinks Lisa is being selfish, bitter and unforgiving, myself included. I stood by my family. Lisa turned her back.

The last time I talked to Lisa, she said she had suffered greatly due to the family and wants a life of her own. How can she do this? She claims she doesn’t feel "safe" with us.

I know our family isn't perfect by any means, and I know I haven’t been the greatest sister, but she can’t just leave! Right? She has a responsibility to this family. Isn’t she being neglectful to simply turn her back on us?

Abby, you know how important family is. How can I get Lisa to admit she is wrong and return to the family? FRUSTRATED SISTER IN CANADA

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Lisa isn’t being selfish, bitter or unforgiving. After a lifetime of abuse, she has somehow become healthy and refuses to tolerate being mistreated any longer.

The best advice I can offer is to accept her decision and wish her well. She has served her time and has gone on to better things. Console yourself with the fact that you and the family still have each other. —ABBY

Hi Frustrated: You ask, "How can I get Lisa to admit she is wrong?" You can’t, because she isn’t. She’s the most sane person in the family. Even now, without her around, you refuse to support her having an abuse-free life. Making her wrong for driving her out of your life is abusive. "Abusive" here meaning, any communication, to include a nonverbal/psychic intention, that doesn’t feel good to another.

Re: "I guess the family … was unsupportive." I guess? This is called denial. It can also be said that you were all incredibly powerfully supportive. You drove her out of your lives and inspired her to opt for an abuse-free life. Few have that much courage, to choose to not engage in abusive communications. Most can't complete their addiction. It could also be said that your genius is at work, driving her out into the real world, in hopes that she will acquire the strength and wisdom to heal the family. On the other hand, you may have no choice but to go your grave blaming her for leaving you. Not very powerful, but still, others will get value from reading your letter.

Re: "I stood by my family…." Another way of putting it is—

"I enabled (empowered) my family to treat her so abusively that she had no choice but to get away from us all. Rather than do what it took to stop the abuse I compromised my integrity because…. Even now, instead of insisting our parents get therapy, I intend for them to continue to abuse her emotionally and psychically."

If you think it’s hard on you, you should be in her shoes. You all force her to question her sanity daily. It is evil to relate with someone in such a way that they must compromise their integrity to interact with you.

Re: "She claims she doesn’t feel safe with us." No matter what I think or believe, if another tells me they don't feel safe around me, then it’s me. Something about how I have communicated with them has created fear in the relationship. Your use of the word "claims" is an invalidation of her experience. It communicates, "You’re wrong, we are safe." It's abusive to invalidate another.

Re: "She has a responsibility to the family." This is true, however it’s never ever responsible to point out another’s irresponsibility. The only people qualified to discuss responsibility with her are a coach/counselor/therapist.  Responsibility for you would be for you to be willing to look and see what you’ve done to cause her to not want to interact with you. You, not your parents. No matter what you think, what you believe, or what another tells you, it’s been your intention to drive her away. We know this by the results your leadership-communication skills have produced. If you keep lying, about this you will keep producing more of the same.

If Lisa were my client I would let her know that her present path ultimately won’t work for her. She’s coming from blame and victim, and her solution is a make-wrong. What would turn her shunning activity into service is for her to issue each of you an ultimatum, "I won’t relate with any of you until each of you can tell me that you all have completed 25 sessions with a therapist/counselor." In this way she would give you each a way back into her life. And, you would a have a choice, to surrender to her, to allow her to contribute to healing the family, or to disregard her support.

One thing’s for certain, if you keep communicating the way you have been you have the formula for more of the same. You now have a choice, to do what you should have done back when you were young. Without your support, your family is doomed to estrangement.