#34 Father getting married again creating relationship problems / Daughter an unconscious saboteur
 

Dear Ann Landers: My parents were divorced when I was 5, and my father married another woman. Now, 15 years later, my father is getting another divorce.

Although I was never close to my stepmother, I did become fond of several members of her family. Dad’s divorce is pretty messy, and he expects me to avoid his ex’s family. Now that they are no longer related to me, should I stop contact with them, I love them, and they are like family to me. Please tell me what to do.—CINDY IN WISCONSIN

Dear Cindy: You are a 20-year-old woman and should feel free to decide whose company to keep. Stay friendly with whomever you like, and make no apologies. —ANN

Gabby's Response:

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Gabby’s Response:

Hi Cindy: Your request is a set up. You have an unconscious way of relating with people that divides them.

For example: If I answer, dump the "family" members, a large percentage of readers would be very upset. If I advised you to ignore your father’s ultimatum, it would turn the other half also against me.

If your intention is to have something on your tombstone other than, "She lived and died and made no significant contribution to humankind other than to turn family members against each other, without knowing how she did it," then read the following. The other option is to continue believing that you have absolutely nothing to do with the success or failure of other’s relationships.

At some point in time it would be valuable for you to look into the heart of your heart and see if you can discover why the genius in you would hex both marriages. In other words, you underestimate the power of your leadership-communication skills, your communication model, and your intentions, however unconscious you may have been. My sense is that what you're really up to is to restore everyone's integrity. You are just going about it covertly and ineffectively, without sufficient training.

Whenever there is a failed relationship look for the third party who has a vested interest in its failure. Most often this person plays the role of an ally in the drama. The saboteur is always there if you look with intention to find him/her. Two clues: Notice who was in your father’s life during both failures. It has to be a person pretending to not be a leader. Notice also who you chose as friends, those who unconsciously sabotaged your stepmother’s marriage, all the while pretending they were in support of its success. There is a way to communicate, to relate, that supports relationships in working and there is a way of relating (communicating) that supports relationships in failing. The subject of support is not taught in public schools.

"What to do?" Keep doing what you have been doing until you get to the truth about this powerful ability of yours. Hanging out with either side is a no win for you. You will bring this communication model, this way of relating, into your marriage and unconsciously teach your children how to relate the same way. Ugh! Another option is to commit to 25 hours of individual therapy. 

Thanks for the great letter. It’s an issue not commonly discussed. —Gabby
 

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