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#33 Girls team coach requests coaching / Coach unconsciously seducing young girls

DEAR ABBY: I am a 26-year-old former college soccer player, now coaching a girl's high schools team in California. This is my first coaching job and for some reason, some of the girls on the team are flirting with me and looking very suggestive.

When a girls gives me "that look." I'm both troubled and excited at the same time. I want to maintain my professional coaching relationship, but it's becoming very difficult.

Do any of your readers have any suggestions? I have heard about coaches becoming involved with the athletes. —TEMPTED

DEAR TEMPTED: If I were you, I'd keep one eye on the ball, the other on the score-board, and if one of those young women makes another pass, tell her she's out of bounds and if it happens again, she'll be benched and reported to the principal.

If the temptation is too much for you, I recommend a cold shower and reassignment to a boy's soccer team. These girls are minors, and you are in a position of trust and authority. Involvement with a student could destroy the rest of your profession life. —ABBY

Gabby's Response:

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Gabby’s Response:

Hi Tempted: Congratulations for having the courage, integrity, and smarts to share these thoughts.

I'm convinced that the vast majority of child molesters began with thinking thoughts that most men are ashamed, embarrassed, or afraid of talking about. Very few men have learned how to create a safe space to share such thoughts with their wives. Many communicate with their wives from condescension, honestly believing their spouse is not big enough, or capable enough, to get the most taboo of thoughts, consequently they stuff them.

I'm convinced that men must verbally share the fantasies they use during masturbation with their primary relationship partners. Such truths when shared are eventually replaced by different ones thereby creating a wider variety of available stimulating imagery therefore precluding obsession.

For the record. Your thoughts/considerations are perfectly normal healthy. What happens for most men is that they don't share such thoughts, consequently the thoughts grow in definition and refinement. At first manageable, later, with too much free time, details get added thereby becoming a  fantasy. It's called adding mass to a thought.  For some the thoughts gather so much mass that they begin to manifest themselves as plans which then are acted upon.

Each person creates different problems so as to learn specific lessons. Two that I can see for you are: One, you are blind (unconscious) to the emanations, the vibes, that you give off. 

The second thing is that you are not clear about intercourse. By this I mean that you are engaged in foreplay and pretending that you're innocent. One test of this is to notice how your behavior changes with the seducers when another male, such as a male parent or the principal, is watching. Another test is to watch and see how differently you relate with a group of boys. The difference is your sexist attitude/bias.

You need to be willing to acknowledge that they are merely responding to your flirtations, your conscious/unconscious intentions. If you look closely you'll see that even your vocabulary is different with them than it would be if they were boys. You are in fact sexist.

I assure you girls do not flirt with coaches who are there to get the job done, they are too exhausted from the workouts. Flirting is quite often used to cause a coach to lighten up. One sure way to stop the flirting is to redouble your intentions for the flirter to be in peak physical condition. That is to say, other teammates may sense that you are being too easy on the ring-leader, the most obvious flirt; so, to let everyone know that you're aware of her con, merely assign the flirt  more laps around the track for her sexist infractions. Her infatuation will soon turn to upset and anger; eventually it will cause respect.

Young girls are learning who they are and how to make it in life. A part of this is sex and flirting. When they find a willing co-creator they turn it on, always in proportion with the male, the other, the dancer.

Again, there is nothing wrong here, this reply may complete it for you, however, I'm not clear that you are out of the woods yet. It's possible that your letter is an unconscious attempt at fooling yourself, possibly your mind believes that you want to stop. Not unlike those who go to therapy to prove later that they "tried" and, to cause the therapist to fail. We'll know what you're up to now several years from now if you've performed responsibly. My consideration about your intention is based on the fact that you don't communicate openly and honestly with your parents; this is a great conversation to have had with each parent separately—both will offer perfect feedback. That you didn't indicates that there are quite a few conversations you need to have with them in support of being whole and complete. A few sessions with a counselor will help you in completing your relationship with your parents. If you don't follow this advice you'll have communication problems in your primary relationship.

On the other hand, if you are pure of heart and know with certainty that your intentions to serve them are consistent with society's standards then;

1)  Don't ever ever be alone with just one girl—always beckon another to be in ear-shot of private coachings. It trains the observer how to be a good coach. 

2) Spend equal time with all the girls, especially those who believe themselves to be unworthy of your attentions. Resting a compassionate consoling hand on the shoulder of someone you see to be having problems can turn life around for that person. In neurolinguistics it's called anchoring a good behavior/performance. Communication coaches call it acknowledging.

3) Do not allow a student to be in your vehicle without a female chaperon, better for you to pay for a taxi.

Some coaches don't have to worry about these things because they never caused the flirting to start; but for you, these rules are absolutely necessary.  From this new ground of being you can engage in some truly awesome intercourse. Most girls are looking for just one adult male with whom they can say exactly what's on their mind and know that the man can be trusted to not hit on them. Supporting girls in their personal relationships with boys is a great way to be a part of their life and to test your selflessness, your commitment to service. —Gabby

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Check back occasionally for minor edits (last edited 12/3/12)

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