#25 Should I tell daughter who real father is? / Should I teach daughter to deceive, or what?

Dear Ann Landers: Over 30 years ago, when I was divorced, I became pregnant by a married man. I will call him "Ben." My ex-husband and I then remarried. He always believed this child was his, and he raised her.

I remained in contact with Ben throughout the years. His wife never knew about us, but when they divorced a few years ago, I also filed for divorce. Ben and I started seeing each other openly, and we were married within the year.

I would like my adult daughter to know who her real father is. Should I take the chance? Will she lose respect for me, even though my former husband isn't really in the picture any more?

I don't want our reputations ruined, nor do I want Ben's children to know their father cheated on their mother. I would, however, like them to know they have a half sibling. What is your advice? NO REST IN NASHVILLE

Dear Nashville: If you think you have "no rest" now, just go ahead and tell the family that the man they believe to be your daughter's father is not her father at all. Too many people would be hurt by your confession. I don't recommend it. —ANN LANDERS

Gabby's Response:

[ top ]

Gabby’s Response:

Hi Nashville:  Assuming you want your daughter to relate with you and Ben and others openly and honestly it's time to restore your integrity; that, or anguish over your deception for a few more years, perhaps till it affects your health. I assure you, others around you have been withholding their thoughts of choice from you. Cleaning things up will give everyone an opportunity to clean up their relationships and life. Read, How to ensure that your daughter has sex behind your back.

Do you honestly think others experience respect for you? You don't even respect you. Whatever thoughts and feelings they have about you are not accurate—because you and they have been living lies. The reputations you are protecting are founded upon deceit; I recommend "ruining" the exisitng deceptive inaccurate reputations. Your deceit invalidates both your daughter and your husband—they don't inspire you to operate from integrity.

It's hard to be who you are and live appropriately if others are withholding pertinent facts about you. In other words, thanks to you and Ben your daughter is wrestling with more confusions* than is necessary in figuring out who she is in life; at some level she already knows. It's condescending of you to think she's not big enough to handle the truth.

Notice the effects you have had on others with such incompletes rattling around in your mind over the years. It's possible that your other unacknowledged perpetrations (I believe there are even more from before your first marriage), and your whole philosophy about truth, have gotten in the way of you making decisions that work. As the leader, your deceit will continue to cause even more breakdowns in communication between everyone.

Also, people who have acknowledged (completed) life's perpetrations much earlier in life are able to see (to experience) the lies on all of your faces. Such faces are incomplete, they communicate sneakiness and deceptiveness. Such faces (it's an aura thing) lack wholesomeness and clarity and do not communicate the experience of love because there is a barrier to the experience of integrity. Unbeknownst to you your positions have kept people who are committed to integrity from even coming close to you.

Notice also that you're concerned about Ben's children thinking less of him for cheating on their mother but that you're not concerned about them and your daughter knowing that you seduced him into cheating on their mother.  You've unconsciously subjected your daughter to your hypocrisy about cheating, lying, and deceiving; as such it has had an undesirable effect on her own moral compass.

Are you ready to restore your integrity? If so, do The [free] Clearing Process, then invite your husband and daughter to do the same. Then invite your husband to do the free Clearing Process for Couples.

I'm excited for you. The potential is awesome. —Gabby

PS: I'm not comfortable with your statement, "became pregnant." It comes across as covert blame. Better to have written, "I got myself pregnant" or, "I seduced him into impregnating me." You're much too intelligent for it to have been an accident. I'm certain that once you separate the chaff from the kaka, the truth from what your mind wants to believe, you'll get what you were up to back then—unconsciously intending for him to impregnate you. We know this to be the truth based upon the results your leadership-communication skills produced. 

* Simply knowing/validating her ancestral roots will anchor her firmly and give her entirely new perspectives. When acknowledging and honoring ancestors it's important to focus on their accomplishments and all they did for us to be here. This orpahan, at age 40, discovered that my estranged father, whom I had never known, was not French but from Italy—what a difference it has made in my appreciation for things Italian!

Comment Box is loading comments...

Upon pressing the Submit button the page will refresh as though nothing has happen. It might take a few hours for the comment to appear.

To receive feedback about your comments or to post a question please use our Dear Gabby Forum (free - registration required).

Check back occasionally for minor edits (last edited 3/5/17)

[ top ]

If you liked this letter please press the "I like" voting button. Upon pressing the button you'll be taken directly to the index.

[ #26 Separated lover hides relationship from his family / Should I keep rewarding his deceit? ]

[ top | back to list of letter topics ]