#2 Concerned about husband's looks / Withholds in the way of truth

Dear Ann Landers: I have been married for 11 years to a terrific guy. "Chad" is a devoted husband and wonderful father. He is also a hard worker and a kind loving person. One thing about him disturbs me—he's not very good-looking.

I realize this makes me seem shallow, but I can't help it. Chad has a nice build, but his face isn't attractive. He is not ugly by any means, but he is not handsome, or even cute—just average-looking.

When I first started dating him, I loved his personality and thought he would become more appealing to me, but it hasn't happened. In fact his looks have started to bother me a lot. I analyze his face all the time to see if there is some particular feature I dislike, but I can't find one.

Why am I so obsessed with his looks, Ann? I want to stop feeling this way and accept him as he is. Please help me. — COUNCIL BLUFFS, IOWA

Dear Council Bluffs: After 11 years of marriage, you are suddenly bothered by the fact that your husband isn't very good looking? Something else about him is bothering you and I suggest you see a psychologist. —ANN LANDERS

Gabby's Response:

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Gabby’s Response:

Hi Council Bluffs: You've happened upon the foremost cause for ugly divorces, pardon the pun. It's called withholding thoughts, especially the embarrassing, too uncomfortable to deliver, kinds—always for good reasons. It begins with withholding thought number one, most often on the first date, and then another. Most often the withholder lies about why they withheld a thought. Often they believe it's because they don't want to hurt the other but underneath that is the truth, the fear of losing them. The lie compounds the consequences.

Your preoccupation is called an incomplete. It's caused in your case by one or more thoughts withheld. It's not about his looks, it's about your integrity. You can't yet be trusted to communicate spontaneously, to tell the truth, to share your experience in the now. I guarantee that if you sit down, opposite him in a chair, and look him directly, unwaveringly in the eyes, with the commitment to communicate verbally every single thought that comes to your mind and then he does the same, your considerations about his physical looks will disappear. If your intention is to have the relationship expand that's what will happen. What will be left after the "bewith" will be the experience of love. His true beauty will reveal itself. You must also be willing to discover that you have been unconsciously masterminding a divorce.

Also, withholders always hang around withholders. It's impossible for someone committed to open, honest and spontaneous communication to hang around a withholder for too long except that it detracts from his/her aliveness. Their aliveness (their vibrancy, their energy, their attractiveness-aura) decreases in direct proportion to their integrity; eventually it effects their health. He's withholding something equally significant from you. In brief, your withholds are slowly killing him and his you. Thank you, Gabby

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