Dear Gabby: #19 Should I confront wife's adultery partner?

#19 Should I confront wife's adultery partner? / Co-conspirator blames wife

Dear Ann Landers: I am 62 years old, and my wife, "Emily," is 60. We have been married for 35 years and have two children, several grandchildren and a good, solid family life together.

A few weeks ago, Emily confessed that she had a seven year affair during our marriage. The affair ended 25 years ago. This surprised and hurt me deeply. I love my wife and family, and I know she loves me. Emily has always been a wonderful wife and mother. Everyone who knows her respects and admires her. She made a mistake. When she asked me to forgive her, I did so without hesitation.

Here is the problem. I know who her lover was. I found out where he lives, and I want to confront him, not physically, just by telephone. No man should get away with this kind of adulterous behavior and not pay a price. He had a family, too, and he knew she was married. Both of them were equally to blame. Emily has paid her price, and now I am paying, too, but his guy has had a free ride.

I am not a vindictive person, and have no interest in telling his wife what I know. But I would like to let him know if he goes to hell, I hope he has a good trip. Should I? —HURTING IN N.J.

Dear Hurting: The affair ended 25 years ago? I am at a loss to understand why your wife decided, after all these years to make a confession.

My advice is to let it go. I see no good purpose being served by opening this old wound again. It would only result in more embarrassment and pain. Nothing positive would be accomplished. —ANN LANDERS

Gabby's Response

[ top ]

Gabby's Response

Hi Hurting: What a great opportunity to acknowledge and complete your addiction to blaming and to being a victim. Sure, you could confront the guy but most likely it would result in acrimonious exchanges. A self-righteous blaming communication usually triggers upset, defensiveness, explanations, and justifications.

I'm guessing few readers buy that you're not coming from blame, make-wrong, and vindictiveness. So, given your present leadership-communication skills, the outcome would not be mutually satisfying; to create a mutually satisfying outcome you'd have to be willing to communicate responsibly (from cause).

Let's look at this from an entirely different (outside-the-box) awesomely challenging point of view. Let's just say that unbeknownst to you it's you who doesn't want to "get away with" what you did. I.e. Couples who are in-communication with each other don't wander. Couples who become stuck talking, doing their imitation of communication with each other, generate these kinds of problems.

Would you be willing to look and see that you drove your wife into the arms of another man? Your letter reveals that you are unaware of the consequences (possibly of more to come*) for having done that. Just because you don't know how you produced a result doesn't mean that you didn't.

It will take willingness to acknowledge that the whole game has been masterminded by the brilliant you. The poor guy was just a pawn in your drama en route to enlightenment—the ability to consistently manifest your stated intentions. Depending upon how powerful you're willing to be, it could be said that you (albeit unconsciously) intended for her to seduce him, and to deceive you, for seven years, to get to this point. Perhaps it's all been about your willingness to acknowledge and let go of your self-righteousness? For certain it's been about you discovering that what you thought was communication was not (read about breakdowns in communication). If you were unconscious back then and didn't know it, could you still be unconscious? Using communication coaching jargon we say that you have mastered talking; what's next is to begin the communication mastery curriculum.

I do get "solid," as in fixed, ridged, unchanging and set in ways and opinions; however, to your credit, something's moving because you (again unconsciously) created a safe space for Emily to confide (complete an incomplete) a haunting withhold, for which I acknowledged you.** Also, your question (albeit an irresponsible solution) reveals that you are intent on completing the incident. Most "victims" never confront their cause for an infidelity—continue reading.

You say you forgive her. I don't get it. Forgiveness is a responsible (from cause) intrapersonal communication to oneself. In the enlightenment game it doesn't make sense to forgive someone for something you manipulated them into doing. Keep in mind, deceivers always attract and hang around deceivers; there are no exceptions to this phenomenon. What have you been hiding from your parents, from her, perhaps even from yourself? Could it be that while dating you conned her into deceiving both sets of parents so as to have sex? I suspect it's the you in him that wants to get caught. Use Reunion Conversations to trigger memories of unacknowledged teen perpetrations.

Continuing with this other point of view: If I now give you the task, "Do whatever it takes to drive your wife into another's arms, but do it so she doesn't know you're consciously doing it" you'd have to look back and see just what you did/did not do (mostly non-verbally), and do it all over again, only this time you'd consciously act unconscious. Just because you produced a result unconsciously doesn't mean you didn't produce it. Put another way, if you kill someone while sleep-walking you still get arrested.

In a relationship in which there is an experience of communication (open, honest, and spontaneous, zero significant withholds) it is virtually impossible for one partner to have attraction-thoughts about another except that those thoughts are shared openly and therefore nipped in the bud. That there was deception in your relationship for seven years merely indicates how unconscious you both were. You both had become solidly stuck in talking, doing your imitation of communication.

From your letter I don't get that you've acknowledged the experience of the realization that you were that unconscious; you honestly believed that you were awake and in-communication with each other. What's exciting is that there are even more profound realizations coming.

Eventually you'll be able to see that he has paid and quite possibly is still paying. If he hasn't told his wife, then happiness and joy are still eluding him and her. There can be no experience of communication (which produces joyous love) if a relationship contains deceit. Concept of love yes, (the memory of the last emotional experience of love which one refers to as proof that the love is still there today), experience of love, no. The test for communication? Lots of giggling, laughter, teary-eyed joy, tenderness, amazement, compassion, acknowledgment, and profound appreciations of life throughout each day; the lives of close friends are working equally as well (it's truly contagious). Here's a test to see if your love is conceptual or if it's experiential love. When was the last time you experienced joy with your partner? If not within the last few days then you know you love him/her, and, you have not experienced the experience of love since . . . To recreate the experience of love do, The [free] Clearing Process. Then invite your partner to do it; then, the both of you can do The [free] Clearing Process for Couples. The process cannot not work; for couples intent on having the relationship work it always produces an experience of mind-blowing intercourse.

What's called for is responsibility and compassion. Remember, it was your unique sneaky wedding vow, that omitted the consequences of infidelity; you both unconsciously reserved the option of messing around, you both expected to be forgiven.

—Gabby

* I say more to come because even now you and your wife are not in-communication with each other. You both are as unconscious as before—you are being deceptive, hiding thoughts from her; and she's unaware that you are contemplating confronting her former lover; and, she's unaware that you've been dragging around blaming thoughts of resentment and revenge into each present-day conversation with her and, everyone else. Mo betta to thank him for waking you up, for supporting you in seeing you.

** One of the consequences of dragging around life's unacknowledged perpetrations is that one can't address the source of a breakdown in communication or a health problem, especially if the source is a consequence of an unacknowledged out-integrity. Rare is a counselor or health professional who insists upon an integrity assessment during the first appointment. Read Communications in Support of Health. This is because psychologists themselves (unlike psychiatrists) hide one or more significant thoughts from their own intimate partners; for them, their own personal integrity as a communication variable (that affects all outcomes) is still a concept. For example: If a therapist is hiding a deal-breaker from his/her spouse, a biggie (always for reasons), then the client unconsciously mirrors the integrity of the therapist; the therapist can't create a safe space for clients to communication truthfully. Ergo, "I tried therapy and it didn't work." and, "The client wasn't ready/willing, he/she wouldn't open up." (or other reasons)

Relationship Tip: In a committed relationship it works to communicate, if not up front, then right now, today, "Can we agree that cheating is tantamount to insisting on a divorce? I will not grant a second chance on this issue. Is this absolutely clear?" If they sense you are lying, that you will not effect an immediate divorce, they'll unconsciously lose some respect for you. In other words, if you lie to them, (if you don't really mean that you will divorce them) you will discover your lie. To not communicate clearly like this communicates (implies) that you will tolerate and "forgive" cheating. It also implies that you reserve the option to cheat and that you assume they will give you a "second chance." This unconscious implied reserved option is partly why most people don't include the consequences of cheating in their marriage vows—a Fidelity Agreement.

Here's a Fidelity Agreement I recommend be included in a marriage vow:

"A measure of my commitment to you is to be faithful. To be unfaithful would communicate abusive disrespect, it would immediately annul this marriage and forfeit my right to sue for child custody, alimony, or jointly held possessions."

Here's an outrageous example of the power of a clear fidelity agreement. If infidelity takes place both partners will have their dominant hand removed by their own mother. "Oh, I see. You really really really mean no cheating, ever."

For more about this read, Creating a marriage vow that precludes cheating).

Reply from No Name:

Dear Gabby: MY WIFE IS CHEATING ON ME AND SHE FELL IN LOVE WITH THIS MAN SO SHE SAYS ..SHE SAID I WAS NOT THERE FOR TWO YEARS FOR HER SO SHE WENT RUNNING WE ARE STILL MARRIED SHE SAYS SHE WANTS TO WORK ARE MARIAGE OUT BUT SHE STILL TALKS TO HIM HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE SHE HAS GONE AND SEEN HIM ..HE BAUGHT HER A RING

ALSO ..I DO LOVE MY WIFE VERY MUCH WE HAVE THREE CHILDREN TOGETHER .. WHEN I SAY ANTHING ABOUT IT SHE SAYS IM BEING PUSHY AND NOT UNDERSTANDING WHAT SHES GOING THRU ..SHE SAYS SHE LOVES US BOTH AND SHE SAYS SHE KNOWS THIS HAS TO END WITH HIM THEY TALK ON CHAT ALL THE TIME ALSO ...WHAT DO I DO IM SCARED FOR ME AND MY CHILDREN

Gabby's Response:

Hi No name: Thank you for posting and for reaching out. My reply won't feel good nevertheless it is part of what you need to hear in support of completing this relationship.

First, you need some counseling very quickly. You are teaching your children how to intend and put up with abuse and cheating. Don't be mislead; this problem has nothing to do with your wife. This stuff is a by-product of the leadership-communication skills you brought into the marriage.

Re: "My wife is cheating on me." It should read, "She was cheating and now is seeing another openly." And, yours is a victim statement. In order for you to complete what's happening you'll have to be willing to describe your cause in the matter, else you'll drag your poor-me story to your grave.

You write, "She said I was not there for her." —instead of, "I wasn't there for her." Even now you aren't willing to get her communication. Your communication is a covert accusation that she's lying. I.e. [She said I wasn't there for her but she's lying, I was there for her].

For example: Responsible (cause) statements would be, "Something about how I communicate, how I relate, my leadership-communication skills, unconsciously drove my wife into another's arms." "I was so unconscious that I couldn't see that I was not there for her when she needed me." "I unconsciously intended my wife to cheat on me so as to force me to put in (to restore) my own integrity." These are examples of responsible communications and a good start towards restoring your integrity.

The truth is you can't save the marriage. Why? Because it's not the marriage you both thought you agreed to. You are holding on to, and trying to fix something (it's definitely a unique marriage) that doesn't work. What you'll end up with is a fixed something that still won't work. What you can do is complete your relationship and then choose how you wish to relate with her in the future. If you were my son I'd advise you to stay away from her until she's completed six-months in a row of weekly therapy/counseling sessions. Look whom she admires and loves? She picked someone who supports her in screwing over you. It doesn't speak well for his character or his taste in women. She's having sex with someone with questionable values; she can't be absolutely sure he's not having sex with other women, thereby increasing the chances of transmittable diseases. I recommend that you get a blood test and insist that she get one (and show you the results) before you have sex with her again.

If it were "love," as she says, then she would eagerly introduce you both to each other so that you'd both see what she sees in you two awesome people—that's what honest couples do. If either meets another who is in fact incredible and truly loving, they want to share the good find and bring that person into their circle of friends.

A truly loving partner is an enroller who expands their circle of friends automatically, causing all to love each other.

Cheaters attract and mirror cheaters.

It's obvious that she has lost her respect for you. There can be no experience of love when there is no experience of respect. Concept of love yes, experience, no. How do you recreate respect, assuming it ever was there? You can't. Not with her in your life. She was attracted towards you because you also are deceptive. It's because your cons compliment each other. If you decide to go straight she will no longer be attracted toward you because you will fearlessly, and deservedly, communicate (lay down the law) how you intend to be related with. She would not put up with such rules from you. She thrives with men she can manipulate. No actualized man would date a woman twice in a row if she said, "Oh, by the way, I'm seeing another man and I've accepted a ring from him, and, no I won't stop interacting with him just because you want me to." It's called abuse.

Your fear is valid. You are driving your children crazy from all the unhealthy vibes, the absence of happiness; you are not modeling for them how to relate successfully. Actually, the damage is already done. Your responsibility now is to begin the healing process as soon as possible. Your wife cannot heal as long as she hangs around you. You reward and reinforce her deviant behaviors rather than inspire her to a life of integrity. This partly explains why the recidivism rate is so high (the number of parolees who return to prison). Parolees return to their families and friends who still use the same leadership-communication model that supported them in not going straight.

I recommend that you read about the Spouse Abuse Tutorial, I say "read about" because you're not eligible to do the free tutorial. To be eligible you can't be living with/interacting with a partner who is addicted to abuse.

If this is of value please send a reply below. —Thanks, Gabby

=====================

Reply from Josh:

Dear Gabby: #19 Don't you relize [sic] that the only reason that a woman would cheat on a man is because she really doesn't love him? Is this a hard concept to understand, people who love each other don't cheat on one another. Gabby I am amazed at your intellect. It only took you a couple pages to summarize something that would normally spoken take less than a few sentences. I know you won't publish this because it will tear apart your pathetic theory. To everyone out there who is reading this, if you really want to know how to treat one another in relationships go askmen.com and read doc loves articles, thankfully we have at least one person on the net who knows what they are talking about on relationships. Oh and Gabby, where did you pick up that line- deceivers always always hang around deceivers? Did you get that quote from a fortune cookie? -Josh who feels enlightened by his "Gabby" experience.

Gabby's Response:

Hi Josh: I've been in profound and honest communication with hundreds of people who have manifested infidelity. At the beginning of each conversation most share their many reasons for cheating (for cheating or for causing cheating). Without exception each honestly and sincerely believed that their reasons were the truth. During the coaching-conversation they discover that their reasons were merely reasons. Reasons are what the mind manufactures to cover up the truth. Under the reasons is the truth of what the cheating was about. It's never ever what either first said it was.

Also, what happens towards the end of the conversation, once the truth has been told, again without exception, they begin to experience the love they said was not there. It's a moving and touching process. It's not that couples stop loving each other; it's that their incompletes (their withholds and perpetrations) have become barriers to the experience of love that is always there; it's much like water on the other side of a faucet. Just because the mind can't see/experience the love doesn't mean it, like the water, isn't there.

Josh, there is a way to communicate upset and disagreement without putting down another or calling them names. If you keep communicating abusively, as in your post, the experience of love will remain elusive; in other words, your "perfect partner" might not like my reply but they also would not feel good upon reading your post.

Perhaps you could ask someone at askmen.com to help you compose a post that would allow us both to feel good. —Thanks, Gabby

You may use an alias name to submit comments/feedback/suggestions.

Upon pressing the Comment button the page will refresh as though nothing happened. It might take a few hours for the comment to appear.

Comment Box is loading comments...

To receive feedback about your comments or to post a question please use our Dear Gabby Forum (free - registration required).

Check back occasionally for minor edits (last edited 12/21/20)

[ top ]