A few weeks ago, Emily confessed that she had a seven year affair during our marriage. The affair ended 25 years ago. This surprised and hurt me deeply. I love my wife and family, and I know she loves me. Emily has always been a wonderful wife and mother. Everyone who knows her respects and admires her. She made a mistake. When she asked me to forgive her, I did so without hesitation.

Here is the problem. I know who her lover was. I found out where he lives, and I want to confront him, not physically, just by telephone. No man should get away with this kind of adulterous behavior and not pay a price. He had a family, too, and he knew she was married. Both of them were equally to blame. Emily has paid her price, and now I am paying, too, but his guy has had a free ride.

It will take considerable courage to acknowledge that the whole game has been masterminded by you. The poor guy was just a pawn in your drama en route to enlightenment. Depending upon how powerful you are willing to be, it could be said that you (albeit unconsciously) intended for her to seduce him, and to deceive you, for seven years, to get to this point. Perhaps it's all been about your willingness to acknowledge and let go of your self-righteousness? For certain it's been about you discovering that what you thought was communication was not (read about breakdowns in communication). If you were unconscious back then and didn't know it, could you still be unconscious? Using communication coaching jargon we say that you have mastered talking; what's next is to begin the communication mastery curriculum.

I do get "solid," as in fixed, ridged, unchanging, and set in ways and opinions.

You say you forgive her. I don't get it. Forgiveness is a responsible (from cause) communication to oneself. In the enlightenment game it's a null communication to forgive someone for something you manipulated them into doing. Keep in mind, deceivers always attract and hang around deceivers; there are no exceptions to this phenomenon. What have you been hiding from her, perhaps even from yourself? I suspect it's the you in him that wants to get caught. Use Reunion Conversations to trigger memories of teen perpetrations.

Continuing with this other point of view: If I now gave you the task, "Do whatever it takes to drive your wife into another's arms, but do it so she doesn't know you're doing it" you'd have to look back and see just what you did/did not do (mostly non-verbal), and do it all over again, only this time you'd do it consciously. Just because you produced a result unconsciously doesn't mean you didn't produce it.

In a relationship in which there is an experience of communication (open, honest, and spontaneous, zero withholds) it is virtually impossible for one partner to have attraction-thoughts about another except that those thoughts are shared openly and therefore nipped in the bud. That there was deception in your relationship for seven years merely indicates how unconscious you were. You became solidly stuck in talking, doing your imitation of communication.

If you look into your experience (of life's perpetrations) you know that he has paid and quite possibly is still paying. If he hasn't told his wife, then happiness is still eluding him. There can be no experience of communication (love) if a relationship contains deceit. Concept of love yes, experience of love no. The test? Lots of giggling, laughter, teary-eyed joy, amazement, compassion, and profound appreciation of life throughout each day; and, the lives of your close friends are working equally as well (it's truly contagious).

Responsibility and compassion is what's called for.

* I say more to come because even now you and your wife are not in communication with each other.  You both are as unconscious as before—you are being deceptive, hiding thoughts from her—even now she's unaware that you are contemplating confronting her former lover; she's not aware that you're dragging around thoughts of resentment and revenge into each present-day conversation with her and, everyone else.

Relationship Tip: In a committed relationship it works to communicate, if not up front, then right now today, "Can we agree that cheating is tantamount to effecting a divorce? I will not grant a second chance on this issue. Is this absolutely clear?"  If they sense you are lying, that you will not effect an immediate divorce, they'll unconsciously lose some respect for you. In other words, if you lie to them, (if you don't really mean that you will divorce them) you will discover your lie. To not communicate clearly like this communicates (implies) that you will tolerate and "forgive" cheating. It also implies that you reserve the option to cheat and that you assume they will give you a second chance. This unconscious implied reserved option is why most people don't include the consequences of cheating in their marriage vows.  

Here's what I recommend be included in a marriage vow:

Hi No name: Thank you for posting and for reaching out. My reply won’t feel good nevertheless it is part of what you need to hear in support of completing this relationship.

First, you need some counseling very quickly. You are teaching your children how to intend and put up with abuse and cheating. Don't be mislead; this problem has nothing to do with your wife. This stuff is a by-product of the leadership-communication skills you brought into the marriage.

Re: “My wife is cheating on me.” It should read, "She was cheating and now is seeing another openly." And, yours is a victim statement. In order for you to complete what’s happening you’ll have to be willing to describe your cause in the matter, else you’ll drag your poor-me story to your grave.

You write, “She said I was not there for her” instead of, “I wasn’t there for her.” Even now you aren’t willing to get her communication. Your communication is a covert accusation that she’s lying.

For example: Responsible (cause) statements would be, "Something about how I communicate, how I relate, my leadership-communication skills, unconsciously drove my wife into another’s arms." "I was so unconscious that I couldn’t see that I was not there for her when she needed me." "I unconsciously intended my wife to cheat on me so as to force me to put in (restore) my own integrity." These are examples of responsible communications and a good start.

The truth is you can’t save the marriage. Why? Because it’s not a marriage. You are holding on to, and trying to fix something (it's definitely not a marriage) that’s doesn't work. What you’ll end up with is a fixed something that still won’t work. What you can do is complete your relationship and then choose how you wish to relate with her in the future. If you were my son I’d advise you to stay away from her until she’s completed six months in a row of weekly therapy/counseling sessions. Look whom she admires and “loves?” She picked someone who supports her in screwing over you. It doesn’t speak well for his taste in women either. She's having sex with someone with questionable values; she can' be absolutely sure he's not having sex with other women, thereby increasing the chances of transmittable diseases.

If it were "love," as she says, then she would eagerly introduce you both to each other so that you'd both see what she sees in you two awesome people—that's what honest couples do. If either meets another who is in fact incredible and truly loving, they want to share the good find and bring that person into their circle of friends.

A truly loving person is an enroller who expands the circle of friends automatically, causing all to love each other.

Cheaters attract and mirror cheaters.

It’s clear that she has lost her respect for you. There can be no experience of love when there is no experience of respect. Concept of love yes, experience, no. How do you recreate respect, assuming it ever was there? You can’t. Not with her in your life. She was attracted towards you because you also are deceptive. It's because your cons compliment each other. If you decide to go straight she will no longer be attracted toward you because you will fearlessly, and with deservedness, communicate (lay down the law) how you intend to be related with. She would not put up with such rules from you. She thrives with men she can manipulate. No actualized man would date a woman twice in a row if she said, “Oh, by the way, I’m seeing another man and I’ve accepted a ring from him, and, no I won’t stop seeing him just because you want me to.” It's called abuse.

You are right to be experiencing fear. Your children are going crazy from all the unhealthy vibes, the lack of happiness, and not having a model for how to relate successfully. Actually, the damage is already done. Your responsibility now is to begin the healing process as soon as possible. Your wife cannot heal as long as she hangs around you. You reward and reinforce her deviant behaviors rather than inspire her to a life of integrity. This is partly why the recidivism rate is so high (the number of parolees who return to prison). Parolees return to their families and friends who still use the same leadership-communication model that supported them in not going straight.

I recommend that you read about the Spouse Abuse Tutorial, I say read because you're not eligible to do the free tutorial. To be eligible you can't be living with/interacting with a partner who is addicted to abuse.

If this is of value please send a reply below. Thanks, Gabby

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Reply from Josh:

Dear Gabby: #19  Don't you relize [sic] that the only reason that a woman would cheat on a man is because she really doesn't love him?  Is this a hard concept to understand, people who love each other don't cheat on one another.   Gabby I am amazed at your intellect.  It only took you a couple pages to summarize something that would normally spoken take less than a few sentences.  I know you won't publish this because it will tear apart your pathetic theory.  To everyone out there who is reading this, if you really want to know how to treat one another in relationships go askmen.com and read doc loves articles, thankfully we have at least one person on the net who knows what they are talking about on relationships.  Oh and Gabby, where did you pick up that line- deceivers always always hang around deceivers?  Did you get that quote from a fortune cookie?  -Josh who feels enlightened by his "Gabby" experience.

Gabby's Response:

Hi Josh: I've been in profound and intimate communications with thousands of people who have cheated. At the beginning of each conversation most share their many reasons for cheating. Without exception each honestly and sincerely believed that their reasons were the truth. During the conversation they discover that their reasons were merely reasons. Reasons are what the mind manufactures to cover up the truth. Under the reasons is the truth of what the cheating was about. It's never ever what they first said it was.

Also, what happens towards the end of the conversation, once the truth has been told, again without exception, they begin to experience the love they said was not there. It's a moving and touching process. It's not that couples stop loving each other. It's that their incompletes (their withholds and perpetrations) have become barriers to the experience of love. Much like water on the other side of a faucet. Just because the mind can't see the love doesn't mean it, like water, isn't there.

Josh, there is a way to communicate upset and disagreement without putting down another or calling them names. If you keep communicating abusively, as in your post, the experience of love will remain elusive; in other words, your "perfect partner" would not feel good upon reading it.

Perhaps you could ask someone at askmen.com to help you compose a post that would allow us both to feel good. Thanks, Gabby

Check back occasionally for minor edits (last edited 12/15/12).

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