#18 Grandmother concerned about donor deceit / My child mirrors my dishonesty

DEAR ABBY: My son (I'll call him Michael) was very ill with cancer at age 15, and as a result he became sterile from his chemotherapy treatments. Thank the good Lord he has made a complete recovery. However, when he married eight years ago, he and his wife wanted a family. My nephew Edmund (his cousin) agreed to be a sperm donor. Michael and Edmund have always been very close, more like brothers. Edmund is divorced and has two children. A year ago my daughter gave birth to a healthy baby boy.

Abby, they have decided that they will never tell the child who his real father is. I'm afraid that someone else might tell him, as a few members of his family are aware of this.

My husband says it's their decision and that we should stay out of it, but I'm worried about my grandchild's future, should he find out.

Please give us your thoughts on this. LOVING GRANDMOTHER IN THE U.S.A.

DEAR GRANDMOTHER: I agree with you. Family secrets such as this have a way of leaking, which could cause a flood of embarrassment. Your husband makes a good point, however. Give your son and daughter-in-law some "motherly" advice, and then say no more. ABBY

Gabby's Response:

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Gabby’s Response:

Hi Grandmother: I too am worried about your grandchild's future, but for other reasons. It appears you have forgotten that it is you who taught your son that it's OK to deceive another if the reason is good enough. Presently he has no choice but to mirror your integrity. Now you profess to not want your grandchild raised with the same ethic. Such values get communicated psychically. Your grandchild will find himself deceiving others and have no idea who taught him.

Not knowing ones roots adds even more confusion to the process of knowing oneself. At some level (under the cloud of unconsciousness that surrounds him) your grandchild knows the truth. Deception is definitely not a gift of love. Your grandchild is having a relationship with someone who is hiding part of himself; therefore he not only doesn't know his father, he doesn't even know the person acting as his father. He's having a relationship, being influenced hourly, with someone pretending to be open and honest. The confusion resulting from the hypocrisy alone is wreaking havoc on your grandchild.

I find it works to hang around those whose philosophy is open, honest, and spontaneous communication, zero withholds. In other words, I wouldn't make a very good undercover police officer. smiley

In order for you to straighten out this mess you'll have to be willing to have your son get angry, threaten to not see you, and not allow your grandchild to see you. It will go something like this: "Son, I get that I taught you that deception is OK. I've changed my mind and now I will not tolerate it amongst those with whom I relate personally/socially. The choice is yours. Tell your son the truth or choose not to interact with me. It's that important to me. It's either you tell my grandchild or I will."

I'm curious as to whether you also thanked "the good Lord" for giving your son cancer, with as much appreciation as you have for his recovery. I'm more inclined to believe that there's some genius at work here. i.e. Your integrity setting up life to support you in resolving some childhood incomplete. You might find Communications in Support of the Experience of Health of value. It suggests a correlation (however remote the possibility) between our integrity and our health and the health of those with whom we relate. Put another way, my experience tells me your pattern of deceit began with a childhood incident for which you most likely have not been acknowledged. We cannot be absolutely certain unwanted problems are not a consequence of unacknowledged perpetrations until we restore our integrity. Check out and use The Clearing Process located in The Clearing House, for five days in a row, it's free.  It's excellent for uncovering stuff the mind has hidden even from itself. It's a must-do process for anyone intent on mastering communication. —Thank you, Gabby

PS: Show this reply to all concerned.

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Check back occasionally for minor edits (last edited 12/7/12)

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