#18
Grandmother concerned
about donor deceit / My child mirrors my dishonesty
DEAR
ABBY: My son (I'll call him Michael) was very ill with cancer at age 15,
and as a result he became sterile from his chemotherapy treatments. Thank
the good Lord he has made a complete recovery. However, when he married
eight years ago, he and his wife wanted a family. My nephew Edmund (his
cousin) agreed to be a sperm donor. Michael and Edmund have always been
very close, more like brothers. Edmund is divorced and has two children. A
year ago my daughter gave birth to a healthy baby boy.
Abby,
they have decided that they will never tell the child who his real father
is. I'm afraid that someone else might tell him, as a few members of his
family are aware of this.
My
husband says it's their decision and that we should stay out of it, but I'm
worried about my grandchild's future, should he find out.
Please
give us your thoughts on this. —LOVING GRANDMOTHER IN THE U.S.A.
DEAR
GRANDMOTHER: I agree with you. Family secrets such as this have a way of
leaking, which could cause a flood of embarrassment. Your husband makes a
good point, however. Give your son and daughter-in-law some "motherly"
advice, and then say no more. —ABBY
Hi
Grandmother: I too am worried about your grandchild's future, but for other
reasons.
It appears you have forgotten that it is you who taught your son that it's
OK to deceive another if the reason is good enough. Presently he has no
choice but to mirror your integrity.
Now you profess to not want your
grandchild raised with the same ethic. Such values get communicated
psychically. Your grandchild will find himself deceiving others and have no
idea who taught him.
Not knowing ones roots adds even more confusion to the process of knowing
oneself. At some level (under the cloud of unconsciousness that surrounds
him) your grandchild knows the truth. Deception is definitely not a gift of
love. Your grandchild is having a relationship with someone who is hiding
part of himself; therefore he not only doesn't know his father, he doesn't
even know the person acting as his father. He's having a relationship, being
influenced hourly, with someone pretending to be open and honest. The
confusion resulting from the hypocrisy alone is wreaking havoc on your
grandchild.
I find it works to hang around those whose philosophy is open, honest, and
spontaneous communication, zero significant withholds. In other words, I
wouldn't make a very good undercover police officer.
In order for you to straighten out this mess you'll have to be willing to
have your son get angry, threaten to not see you, and not allow your
grandchild to see you. It will go something like this: "Son, I get that I
taught you that deception is OK. I've changed my mind and now I will not
tolerate it amongst those with whom I relate personally/socially. The choice
is yours. Tell your son the truth or choose not to interact with me. It's
that important to me. It's either you tell my grandchild or I will."
I'm curious as to whether you also thanked "the good Lord" for giving your
son cancer, with as much appreciation as you have for his recovery. I'm more
inclined to believe that there's some genius at work here. I.e. Your
integrity setting up life to support you in resolving some childhood
incomplete. You might find
Communications in Support of the Experience of
Health
of value. It suggests a correlation (however remote the possibility)
between our integrity and our health and the health of those with whom we
relate. Put another way, my experience tells me your pattern of deceit began
with a childhood incident for which you most likely have not been
acknowledged. We cannot be absolutely certain unwanted problems are not a
consequence of unacknowledged perpetrations until we restore our integrity.
Check out and use
The Clearing Process located in
The Clearing House, it's free. It's excellent for uncovering stuff the mind has
hidden even from itself. It's a must-do process for anyone intent on
mastering communication. —Thank you, Gabby
