#17 Telephone solicitor upset about rudeness / Rude behavior begetting rude behavior


Dear Abby: I work for a telephone research firm. I haven't been working for this company for very long, but I have already found that most people have terrible phone etiquette.

We are taught to be polite to everyone we talk to, yet we no sooner utter the phrase, "Hello, my name is... I work for a research firm," when the phone is hung up in our ears, without a word being said. All they have to do is tell us they aren't interested, and we would tell them to have nice evening. We don't force anyone to talk to us.

Also, because the computer picks the phone numbers, we don't know who we are calling. We call lots of businesses, but the majority of them don't answer the phones correctly. They say, "Hello," with no indication that it is a business. Then they get upset when we say we work for a research firm, as though we've imposed upon them. If they would answer their phone with the name of their business, we would apologize and tell them we've reached the wrong number.

Some people treat us like we are lowlifes to be doing this, but companies pay our firm to do these surveys. For us, it's a job! We have senior citizens, students and wives working for extra money to help with the bills and to buy a few groceries. What's so wrong with that? We were taught by our elders to be polite to everyone, but it seems as though they live by the double standard. M.B. IN BELLE PLAINE, IOWA

Dear M.B.: There is no excuse for rudeness, but many people find it highly inconvenient to get a telephone call when they are feeding the baby, putting groceries away, hurrying to pick up the children at school etc., and they resent being interrupted by someone who is taking a survey or selling something.

People have telephones in their homes for their own convenience, not for the convenience of the research and marketing firms. —ABBY

Gabby's Response:

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Gabby’s Response:

Hi M.B.: Sometimes it's a bit challenging to accept responsibility for causing what's coming back at me.

For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

It could be difficult for you to acknowledge (at the level of knowingness) that it is you who are rude, abusively intruding into the privacy of people's homes so that you and your boss can make money. You are causing people to mirror your abusive rudeness. On top of it all you are addicted to being right and to blaming others for the results your leadership-communication skills produce; it's an addiction that, unless acknowledged* and addressed, portends even more breakdowns in communication for you, especially in your personal relationships.

Re: "All they have to do is tell us they aren't interested . . ." They are communicating just that when they hang up. You just don't like they way they do it—just as they don't like your intrusive communication. I assure you, no matter what they said, you would not be able to simply "get it" and, thank them for having served you (yes, the communication mastery curriculum, includes thousands of "no's so as to be able to consistently manifest your stated** intentions).  Instead, you experience premeditated upset and disappointment even before they answer which gets communicated psychically, non-verbally; you mentally argue with them because you have no space for them to tell the truth. You are an upset looking for an argument. Imagine your experience if each of the next 100 people you called all politely said, "I'm not interested. Thank you." and hung up. You'd be upset and angry.***

Re: "We don't force . . . " Not true. Your communication, you dialing their number, forces them to answer. People get upset when you force them to do something they would not choose to do—especially if they were watching their favorite TV show or sitting on the toilet when you rang.

It would work for you to ask yourself what need you have for others to be upset with you. The answer is, your integrity is out. It's not your fault; you're just missing some essential feedback about how you come across to others, and, quite a few conversations with your parents about blaming, considerateness, and responsibility.

Re: ". . . as though we've imposed upon them." Duh? Where was your mind when you wrote that sentence? This sentence is referred to as an unconscious communication.

It's great that you are looking at this phenomenon, the effects of your unconscious communications, at such an early age before you destroy too many more relationships ("more" referring to all the people whom you already have caused to not like you). Your present blaming mindset is communicated non-verbally; some people simply look at you and can tell that compassion is missing.  —Gabby

* "Acknowledged" meaning, "I get that I have been addicted to blaming and to making others wrong."

** "stated" We are always manifesting our intentions, most often, because we are not clear about an intention, we get something other than what we believe we wanted, and so we make another wrong for the results we produced with our leadership-communication skills.

*** Back in the day, when cold-calling from a telephone book was the norm, I volunteered for some intensive communication training; I dialed thousands of people who simply hung up. It took me several months to realize that I was unconsciously intending such statistics—in part so as to confront my addiction to blaming, to making others wrong, and to discovering the correlation between personal integrity and results, and, most importantly, what's so about intention. Once it was perfectly OK with me that they hung up my stats improved greatly. This kind of training requires that you have someone to clear with after each upsetting call, else you'll drag your incompletes into the next interaction. I recommend that you do The [free] Clearing Process.

PS: The profession of abusively intruding into another's space (surveys, polling, etc.) so as to survive financially, is unethical. It can't produce joyous love, it will eventually affect your personal relationship.

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Check back occasionally for minor edits (last edited 6/18/17)

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