Dear Gabby: #16 Husband won't get vasectomy

#16 Husband won't get vasectomy / Upset with husband's plans for widowhood

Dear Ann Landers: My husband and I have been married for 17 years and have two children, ages 16 and 13. We have agreed to not have any more children. I would like to enjoy a healthy sex life without the hassle of birth control and recently discussed methods of sterilization with my gynecologist. He explained that a vasectomy is far simpler than a tubal ligation and has fewer risks.

My husband adamantly refused to consider undergoing any kind of sterilization. The problem is not the surgery, he said, but if I should die, or our marriage should fail, he might want to seek out a younger woman and she might want children. This has led me to believe that he is waiting for me to reach the age of menopause before dumping me for someone who is younger. After that revelation, I can't even imagine having sex with this man. I'd like to know what you think about this. —Ann C. in K.C.

Dear Ann C. in K.C.: I think you've gone off the deep end with your assumptions. Please seek the intervention of a counselor, physician or good friend who will set you straight. Your punitive action is not warranted and could lead to real trouble. —ANN

Gabby's Response:

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Gabby's Response:

Hi Ann: You didn't say whether you asked* him if he was actually planning your worst case scenario, however, I think you wouldn't believe him if he said he wasn't, so one component of the issue is about trust.

I suspect you've had thoughts and fears about divorce and this incident is the only way you know how to share those thoughts with him. At first glance it appears you are setting it up for him to leave you, for "reasons," and then you'll blame him for leaving you, "Best years of my life.", "Look what you did to me." victim kinds of stuff. It would be wise to examine the remote possibility that it's you who are masterminding a divorce.

To rise above "victim" you'll have to be willing to be responsible (cause) for all outcomes. What's going on with you that you would unconsciously intend his position and then make him wrong for telling the truth?

An ideal communication to your hubby would be: "I love you and absolutely want you to be happy if I die before you."

I acknowledge you for having created a safe space for him to be honest; you are fortunate to have someone willing to tell you the truth. Experience tells me that all intelligent people in magnificent relationships have these kinds of thoughts and conversations. Couples who communicate openly, honestly and spontaneously (zero withholds) share the undesirable thoughts immediately so that they don't gather mass and get acted upon.

Both of you have other thoughts underneath this tiff that aren't being discussed—withholds that have caused this breakdown in communication.

Him saving energy (resources) for another race doesn't sound like someone committed to winning this one. Given that the thought came out of your mind you'd do well to see what you have been doing/not-doing that might drive him out of your life; perhaps you have thoughts that you deserve to be dumped. Not that you deserve to be dumped but that you have had thoughts, fears, and considerations about the future that you have not shared verbally with him. If you were to address your paranoia with a professional you'd discover your husband's thoughts are normal and practical. Some readers might wonder why he would stay married to you given that you don't trust him and, that you're playing take-away with sex. You may have "accidentally" trained him to not be honest with you in the future. Therapy/coaching is in order for the both of you.

During therapy address the source of your fears and possible paranoia; else, you could be driving him away from you. In any case, do The [free] Clearing Process to see if your mind is hiding other thoughts from you. Thoughts withheld wreak havoc on a relationship. Once you've done the process you can invite him to do it and then, together, you both can do The [free] Clearing Process for Couples (it's guaranteed to greatly enhance a working relationship); it will also facilitate completing a relationship that is on the way down.

Note: If he refuses your invitation to do the clearing process then the relationship is doomed to mediocrity; the premise being—anyone who refuses to do a clearing with his/her loved one reveals that both (yes both) are hiding an equal number of deal-breaking thoughts. The clearing processes will assure you that there are no deceptions between you.

If I were him I'd have to be willing to see that how I have been communicating is driving my wife bonkers; his behavior is not a gift of love. His logic is questionable; it's equally likely that his possible future partner (due to her age) would not want, or could not have, children.

There's lots of unhealthy control going on here. —Thank you, Gabby

* About "asked" and "control." To "ask" you must create space for either a yes or a no answer. Your "ask" was an ultimatum. I.e. You communicated non-verbally, "If you don't say yes, I'll be upset and, I won't have sex with you anymore." When a person is asked they have a choice, without controlling intimidation or pressure for the answer you want.

Note: If I were in-communication with your doctor I'd advise him to get clear as to his intentions; he unconsciously used his leadership-communication skills to support this friction between you and your husband. It's an excellent example of what it means to be practicing medicine. A conscious responsible doctor would have intuitively sensed your possible considerations, and your husband's possible considerations, the possible consequences of such a suggestion to him, and requested that you bring your husband with you to the next appointment so as to facilitate the discussions of such a suggestion. Again, just because one doesn't know how/why they produced a result doesn't mean that they didn't intend it.

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Check back occasionally for minor edits (last edited 4/8/21).

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