Will bisexual husband go
straight? / How did I cause husband to deceive me?
Dear Abby: The pain I am feeling is so great it doesn't allow me to even cry. I have been married to my second husband for more than 17 years. This week I found out that he is bisexual and has been having one-night stands during our 17 years together, events that have increased over the past four years.
I know I need to find a counselor to help me work through this. I will start the process of finding one today. My husband claims I am the only person he has ever loved, and that he can stop this bisexual activity if I just give him another chance. Even if he could, and that's my question to you, I'm not sure I would ever be able to trust him again or be comfortable making love which, until now, has been a very satisfying part of our relationship.
With your vast years of experience and knowledge about the human personality, do you know if it is possible, or even likely, that an active bisexual person can stop the attraction to same-sex partners? My husband says he's only kissed one man and that he gets his gratification from touching, massage, etc.
Yes, I'm going for an AIDS test today. HEARTBROKEN IN PLEASANTON, CALIF.
DEAR HEARTBROKEN: Since your husband is bisexual, his attraction to both sexes is natural for him, and he will always be attracted to members of both sexes. And since his infidelities have increased over the last four years, it would seem that either his attraction to men is increasing, or he is in less control of his impulsive behavior than he believes.
You have my sincere sympathy for the pain you are experiencing, and you are on the right track to seek professional counseling and have an HIV test immediately. —ABBY
Hi Heartbroken: First, focus on communication counseling or therapy for yourself rather than on whether he can or will change. Find a facilitator who will support you in communicating responsibly (from cause) in this matter. Right now you are coming from victim and blame, it's neither becoming nor powerful.
You'd do well to find out what is it about your leadership-communication model (how you communicate verbally, non-verbally, and psychically) that begets deceit. Until you are a safe space for men to tell the truth around you, you don't stand a chance of having any relationship work the way you say you'd like. One important clue—deceit always begets deceit; often "victims" begin the deceit by withholding a deal-breaking thought on the very first date, if not from their date then they deceived their parents and, conned their date into hiding from his/her parents, that they were thinking of having sex. Again: deceit always begets deceit.
In any case, the relationship in its present form is over. Your task is to complete it so as to create space for a new one, one founded on true intercourse (open, honest, and spontaneous communication—zero withholds). Use The Clearing House—four free communication processes in support of restoring ones integrity. It works.
Just as you have had no choice but to create space for him to deceive you, so too has he had no choice but to lie. Think of it as two computers, both programmed to produce the same result each time they interact with each other, both with software bugs. Unless he completes 25 hours of coaching/therapy he will have no choice but to continue lying.
What's missing is respect. Couples who respect each other do not deceive; couples who believe they respect each other create deceit. Put another way, you simply have not inspired honesty. It's unlikely your mind will allow you to acknowledge to yourself, or another, your deceits and deceptions, your sneakinesses, consequently you'll need a communication-skills coach trained in extracting hidden ("forgotten") memories of life's perpetrations (here's some reminders).
Once you've completed 25 hours of (individual, by yourself, living alone) therapy/counseling, or its equivalent, you'll begin to get what's been driving you in this drama. Your pain will disappear when you tell the truth of your cause in the matter.
Hint: Begin by looking for the lie in the way you have been describing the breakup of your first marriage. If you have resistance to acknowledging having masterminded your divorce you won't be able to acknowledge causing (intending) this current drama. It's a given that you can't create, sustain/recreate the experience of love in a second marriage if you're stuck (even non-verbally) blaming and badmouthing your ex.
Given that you are equally powerful and deceptive it would work for you to acknowledge that you set him up to deceive you; we don't know your motive yet, we just know it based upon the results your leadership-communication skills have produced.
What you've been calling communication (to include sex) ain't it; it's all much more magnificent than you can possibly imagine. And, you needed to have created all this drama, this breakdown in communication, it's all been a part of your curriculum, a prerequisite to mastering intercourse.
Secondly, and the far more valuable part of this reply: I would have felt much better had you asked, "Where have I been all these years that I couldn't tell what was happening under my nose?" —more accurately— ". . . what I was causing/intending." And, "How do I wake up?" Obviously you have been unconscious; not to worry, most everyone else is also. Lest you think being awake/enlightened is any better, it's not; it's just different, coffee still costs the same. However, you'll have problems you choose and, you'll cycle through them faster; your relationships will work as envisioned and, you'll experience manifesting your stated intentions.* Do seek out a communication-skills coach, a consultation is a transformational experience.
Thank you, Gabby
* We are always manifesting our intentions; most results are produced unconsciously/accidentally. When we produce a result other than envisioned it's usually our integrity at work, waking us up, reminding us to clean up/complete an incomplete, some perpetration. Mastery is consistently manifesting your stated intentions.
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minor edits (last edited 11/28/12)
To receive feedback about your comments or to post a question please use our Dear Gabby Forum (free - registration required).
Check back occasionally for minor edits (last edited 11/28/12)