#1 Estranged husband spreading lies / Husband mirroring wife.

Dear Ann Landers:  I separated from my husband a year ago. Victor was a drug user, and we fought constantly. We have two children, and I felt this was not a healthy environment for them. I am a private person and do not broadcast my personal business. Victor, however, talks openly to everybody. He is gregarious and friendly, and people like him. He told our friends the separation was MY fault. Although I found this disturbing, I said nothing.

Six months ago, I became involved with a man at work. He is kind and sweet, and is willing to wait for me. As soon as Victor found out I was seeing someone, he blabbed to our friends that the reason I wanted out of our marriage was because I had been having an affair with a co-worker the whole time. Unfortunately, everyone seems to believe this lie.

I'm tired of trying to hold up my head up, hoping people will admire me for taking the high road, but no one seems to notice. I am being shunned by those who know and like Victor. Please tell me if there is any way I can tell my side. I feel as if I am being unjustly judged and condemned. -- New York Judy

Dear Judy: Remain silent. Remember, "He who excuses himself accuses himself." In due time, the truth will come out and set you free.

I assume you are still married to Victor. The sooner you get legally untied from this loser, the better. Meanwhile, I wish you luck with your new relationship. —Ann Landers

Gabby's Response:

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Gabby's Response:

Hi Judy: You are right to be concerned about lies, but, you are pointing the finger the wrong way. For sure he lies, however he is merely mirroring your own integrity.

Instead of the word "fault" let's use the word responsibility. A responsible person would write,

"I fought constantly . . . I knew he was as addicted to arguing as I am so when I needed my fix of abuse I'd start an argument (sometimes just by standing silently, albeit condescendingly, in the room) and goad him into arguing. I used him to reveal just how much therapy I needed. I kept trying to change him which I know is not love. I treated him so badly that he is now driven to hurt me back."

You lie and blame him for your argumentativeness, your addiction to wanting to be right, and to making him wrong.

"I do not broadcast . . . " —H'm, except here for the nation to read.

". . . to everyone . . . " —an exaggeration to be right. 

"". . . people like him" —not true. Some people don't.

"I said nothing" —but communicated volumes non-verbally.

All truths and all lies, even the unconscious lies, have an effect. 

Judy, he did not just start to lie. You were unconscious when you conned him into marrying you. Liars always attract liars. i.e. ". . . till death do us part . . ."

Who among your friends advised you to not marry him—perhaps your parents? I also have reason to believe that you were doing some unconscious looking-seducing-anticipating-planning before you made your separation decision; these kinds of non-verbal and psychic communications (one foot on a rickety dock, the other in a canoe) have an effect.

Re: ". . . kind and sweet." Some might call "Mr. Sweet" a predator, trolling for "love-starved separated" women. Notice that "sweet" supports you in blaming and badmouthing Victor. You've bought into Mr. Sweet's "sweet act." You're still using the exact same leadership-communication skills that destroyed your relationship with Victor to seduce yet another. What you have is two unconscious cons (you and sweet) seducing each other.

Any man who would date you now needs as much therapy as you require. Until you estrange yourself from Victor and complete 25 hours of therapy/counseling/3-hrs of coaching no well-adjusted man will come close to you. To invite anyone into that triad (having to deal with the child-rearing problems you and Victor will continue to generate) is not a gift of love. And, we haven't even addressed the source of your addictions, incomplete communications between you and your parents, the ones who trained you to blame. A coach will support you in completing life's incompletes, the source of your breakdowns in communication with Victor.

BTW: A person of integrity doesn't seduce another's wife. "I'm separated" is an unconscious request for mediating harmony (whether divorced or married), it's not an invitation for intimacy. Sweet's thwarting of a brother's messy relationship creates undesirable (difficult to trace) karma. Supporting Sweet in thwarting Victor reveals that you are unconscious about the negative karma it will bring to both you and Sweet. An honorable man would have asked, "Is it OK with your husband for us to spend time together?" In other words, unless you have renegotiated a mutually satisfying fidelity agreement then you are still bound by your marriage vow; if are breaking it unilaterally it is abusive (abuse always produces undesirable karma). The way to renegotiate/create a fidelity agreement is to ask Victor if it's OK with him for you to be having sex with others until the divorce is final. In truth, now is not the time for you to be starting a new relationship.

"I am being shunned . . . " This is a blame statement.  A responsible statement would be, "I have caused others to shun me." Some of what you're calling shunning is their uncomfortableness; I too find it uncomfortable to be around anyone who is dramatizing their story pretending to be the victim, someone non-verbally covertly communicating blame.  

It would work for you to share with "sweet," or just one co-worker, your cause in the matter, how you masterminded the whole mess. It's your karma that attracted a drug user. No actualized women would do this. We're looking for the specific incident, the fork in the road you took during high school, which you now see resulted in this outcome. This problem reveals that you are equally addicted to relationship-destroying behaviors including blaming, lying, helping, and enabling. You will require equally as much therapy as it will take for Victor & Sweet to heal.

The sooner you get counseling/therapy the more time your children will have to learn how to communicate supportively.  If you don't get help it will be much more difficult for your children to have normal healthy relationships; presently they have no choice but to emulate you and your addiction to blaming, soon you'll find them lying to you and their teachers. Most importantly, you need to demonstrate to them how to estrange oneself from an abusive relationship; already you've taught them to both cause and submit to abuse. They will let you know when it's time for you to date again.

* All divorced couples (yes all) can trace the exact beginning of the end of their marriage. For most, this fork in the road was on the very first date when both simultaneously, non-verbally, unconsciously, gave each other permission to withhold thoughts of choice—to withhold a possible deal-breaking thought from the other. The integrity you bring to a relationship determines all outcomes for both you and yours. 

Thank you, especially for reaching out. —Gabby

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Check back occasionally for minor edits (last edited 1/21/17)

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