|
#1 Estranged husband spreading lies / Husband mirroring wife |
||
|
Dear Ann Landers: I separated from my husband a year ago. Victor was a drug user, and we fought constantly. We have two children, and I felt this was not a healthy environment for them. I am a private person and do not broadcast my personal business. Victor, however, talks openly to everybody. He is gregarious and friendly, and people like him. He told our friends the separation was MY fault. Although I found this disturbing, I said nothing. Six months ago, I became involved with a man at work. He is kind and sweet, and is willing to wait for me. As soon as Victor found out I was seeing someone, he blabbed to our friends that the reason I wanted out of our marriage was because I had been having an affair with a co-worker the whole time. Unfortunately, everyone seems to believe this lie. I’m tired of trying to hold up my head up, hoping people will admire me for taking the high road, but no one seems to notice. I am being shunned by those who know and like Victor. Please tell me if there is any way I can tell my side. I feel as if I am being unjustly judged and condemned. – New York Judy Dear Judy: Remain silent. Remember, "He who excuses himself accuses himself." In due time, the truth will come out and set you free. I assume you are still married to Victor. The sooner you get legally untied from this loser, the better. Meanwhile, I wish you luck with your new relationship. —ANN LANDERS
[
top
]
|
Gabby’s Response: Hi Judy: You are right to be concerned about lies but you are pointing the finger the wrong way. For sure he lies, however he is merely mirroring your own integrity. Instead of the word "fault" let's use the word responsibility. A responsible person would write, "I fought constantly…." "I knew he was addicted to arguing so I'd start an argument (sometimes just by standing silently, albeit condescendingly, in the room) and goad him into arguing." "I used him to reveal just how much therapy I needed." You lie and blame him for your argumentativeness, your addiction to wanting to be right, and to making him wrong.
All truths and all lies, even the unconscious ones, have consequences.
Judy, he did not just start to lie. You were unconscious when you conned him into marrying you. Remember, liars always attract liars. Who among your friends advised you to not marry him—perhaps your parents? I also have reason to believe that you were doing some unconscious looking/seducing before you made your separation decision.
Re: "sweet" but notice that he supports you in blaming and badmouthing Victor. You've bought into his "sweet act." You're still using the same leadership-communication skills, that didn't work with Victor. What you have is two unconscious cons seducing each other. Any man who would date you now needs as much therapy you. Until you estrange yourself from Victor (until he complete 25 hour of therapy) no actualized man will come close to you. To invite anyone into that triad (having to deal with the child rearing problems Victor will continue to generate) is not a gift of love. And, we haven't even addressed the source of your addictions, your parents who trained you to blame. Your therapy needs to focus on the incompletes you have with them. "I am being shunned... " Yes, I also find it uncomfortable to be around anyone who is stuck pretending to be the victim, someone nonverbally covertly communicating blame. It would work for you to share with "Sweet," or just one co-worker, your cause in the matter, how you masterminded the whole mess. You're the one who attracted a drug user. No actualized women would do this. It means you are equally addicted to relationship-destroying behaviors including blaming, lying, helping, and enabling. You will require equally as much therapy as it will take for Victor & Sweet to heal. The sooner you get counseling/therapy the more time your children will have to learn how to communicate supportively. If you don't get help your children will be incapable of having normal healthy relationships; presently they have no choice but to emulate you and your addiction to blaming, soon you'll find them lying to you and their teachers. Most importantly, you need to demonstrate to them how to estrange oneself from an abusive relationship, else they will think that one is supposed to submit to abuse. Thank you, especially for reaching out. Gabby
[
top
] |
|
|
Enter your response or comments on our Dear Gabby Forum. (free - registration required) [ #2 Concerned about husband's looks / Withholds in the way of truth ] |