Dear Gabby: #1 Estranged husband spreading lies.

#1 Estranged husband spreading lies / Husband mirroring wife

Dear Ann Landers: I separated from my husband a year ago. Victor was a drug user, and we fought constantly. We have two children, and I felt this was not a healthy environment for them. I am a private person and do not broadcast my personal business. Victor, however, talks openly to everybody. He is gregarious and friendly, and people like him. He told our friends the separation was MY fault. Although I found this disturbing, I said nothing.

Six months ago, I became involved with a man at work. He is kind and sweet, and is willing to wait for me. As soon as Victor found out I was seeing someone, he blabbed to our friends that the reason I wanted out of our marriage was because I had been having an affair with a co-worker the whole time. Unfortunately, everyone seems to believe this lie.

I’m tired of trying to hold up my head up, hoping people will admire me for taking the high road, but no one seems to notice. I am being shunned by those who know and like Victor. Please tell me if there is any way I can tell my side. I feel as if I am being unjustly judged and condemned. – New York Judy

Dear Judy: Remain silent. Remember, "He who excuses himself accuses himself." In due time, the truth will come out and set you free.

I assume you are still married to Victor. The sooner you get legally untied from this loser, the better. Meanwhile, I wish you luck with your new relationship. —ANN LANDERS

Gabby's Response:

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Gabby’s Response:

Hi Judy: You are right to be concerned about lies but you are pointing the finger the wrong way. For sure he lies, however he is merely mirroring your own integrity.

Instead of the word "fault" let's use the word responsibility. A responsible person would write, "I fought constantly…." "I knew he was addicted to arguing so I'd start an argument (sometimes just by standing silently, albeit condescendingly, in the room) and goad him into arguing." "I used him to reveal just how much therapy I needed."

You lie and blame him for your argumentativeness, your addiction to wanting to be right, and to making him wrong.

"I do not broadcast…" h’mm, except here for the nation to read.

"…to everyone…" an exaggeration to be right.

"…people like him" not true. Some people don’t.

"I said nothing" but communicated volumes non verbally.

All truths and all lies, even the unconscious ones, have consequences.

Judy, he did not just start to lie. You were unconscious when you conned him into marrying you. Liars always attract liars. Who among your friends advised you to not marry him—perhaps your parents? I also have reason to believe that you were doing some unconscious looking/seducing/anticipating/planning before you made your separation decision.

Re: "sweet." Notice that "sweet" supports you in blaming and badmouthing Victor. You've bought into his "sweet act." You're still using the same leadership-communication skills that destroyed your relationship with Victor. What you have is two unconscious cons (you and sweet) seducing each other. Any man who would date you now needs as much therapy you. Until you estrange yourself from Victor and complete 25 hours of therapy/counseling/coaching) no actualized man will come close to you. To invite anyone into that triad (having to deal with the child-rearing problems you and Victor will continue to generate) is not a gift of love. And, we haven't even addressed the source of your addictions, your parents who trained you to blame. A coach will support you in completing life's incompletes.

BTW: A person of integrity doesn't seduce another's wife. "I'm separated" is an unconscious request for support in completing the relationship, not an invitation. Sweet's disregard for a brother's messy relationship creates undesirable (difficult to trace) karma. He should have asked, "Is it OK with your husband for you to be having sex with me?" You still are bound by your marriage vow; you are breaking it unilaterally instead of renegotiating it by mutual agreement. This is abusive. The way to renegotiate the fidelity agreement is ask Victor if it's OK for you to be having sex with others until the divorce is final. In truth, now is not the time for you to be starting a new relationship.

"I am being shunned... " This is a blame statement. A responsible statement would be, "I have caused others to shun me." And, yes, I also find it uncomfortable to be around anyone who is stuck pretending to be the victim, someone non verbally covertly communicating blame.

It would work for you to share with "sweet," or just one co-worker, your cause in the matter, how you masterminded the whole mess. It's your karma that attracted a drug user. No actualized women would do this. It means you are equally addicted to relationship-destroying behaviors including blaming, lying, helping, and enabling. You will require equally as much therapy as it will take for Victor & sweet to heal.

The sooner you get counseling/therapy the more time your children will have to learn how to communicate supportively. If you don't get help it will be much more difficult for your children to have normal healthy relationships; presently they have no choice but to emulate you and your addiction to blaming, soon you'll find them lying to you and their teachers. Most importantly, you need to demonstrate to them how to estrange oneself from an abusive relationship, else they will think that one is supposed to submit to abuse. They will let you know when it's time for you to date again. Thank you, especially for reaching out. —Gabby

Check back occasionally for minor edits (last edited 10/31/10)

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