Gabby's Tip: Knowing when it's time for a divorced parent to date

Knowing when it's time for a divorced parent to date

For a background to this Gabby Tip read, https://www.comcom121.org/gabby/newlets/newlet71.htm

How does a divorced parent know when it's time to start dating? One sure way to know is to ask the children, however, many single parents are afraid to ask their children, their little gurus. Why? In part because the parent intuits that the adult-in-the-child knows what's best, and, that if asked, a child's wise-self would say, "None of us are ready yet."

"Ask"� here means to inquire with the intention to know the truth, (to have equal space for any answer) as opposed to manipulating permission from them. Any hesitancy in their response, any reluctance, any sign of less-than excited support, is a "Not yet"� answer. In truth, asking is a dump. You already know the answer. They know that you still dramatize upsets, make them wrong, communicate condescendingly, and do your imitation of communication with them. Perhaps at school they've had the experience of what it's like to be in communication with an adult and with few exceptions it seldom happens at home. They know that you need help learning how to communicate supportively, you simply haven't demonstrated that you've learned anything from the divorce, and, that you haven't taken any classes (coaching/counseling/therapy).

Children need to hear both parents acknowledge their addiction to abuse, they need to hear responsible communications from both parents as to how each masterminded the divorce./p>

Keep in mind you may have damaged them so badly that they will never ever grant you permission. The genius in them may know that you have no business being in a personal relationship, not until you have demonstrated to them that you can relate with them in a way that inspires happiness and success. They know from experience that you need their support when it comes to selecting a harmonious partner.

Here are some considerations:

Your child may know (natural knowingness) that you need help (coaching/counseling/guidance/therapy). They watched both of their parents abuse each other verbally and they didn't like being terrorized. They felt powerless. They expected that at least one of you would be able to cause mutually satisfying communication to take place and you didn't/couldn't. As far as they can tell you are still using the same communication model, still communicating the same way, so they know that you'd produce the same result.

It's possible that both parents are trying to brainwash the child, mostly subtly and unconsciously. Each parent is trying his/her best to not sound like a badmouther yet still letting the child know who is the more responsible parent, who caused the divorce, and who is better for the child, each parent dropping little blame-bombs in their space. It doesn't feel good. At some level it causes disrespect.

A child has yet to learn how to communicate that they love you strong>and,, that they don't respect you for the way you treated (drove away) the relocated parent. They may in fact believe that you need to be punished, that you don't deserve happiness yet. They know that if they treated another like you two treat each other, that they would be punished and so they might think that you need to be punished, or at best, that neither of you are ready for a new relationship. Most importantly, they know from personal experience that they cause all their fights and so it confuses them greatly to hear a parent blaming the other for starting an argument.

Each and every fight leading up to the divorce was traumatic, mainly because each one invalidated them. They'd lie in bed and cringe with fear and sadness. The words by one or both parents to the child, "It's not your fault"� simply couldn't be gotten because the mind also knows that the truth is they are in fact responsible. It's just that with all the confusing arguments they have witnessed they have yet to figure out the difference between blame, fault, and responsibility. What they do know is that they do not inspire harmony and love. They know that all that they did/did not do (communicated) produced an acrimonious divorce. The words, "It's not your fault"� were delivered from hypocrisy. The veracity of other supposed truths has resulted in overwhelming confusion. For example: "Don't yell, it's rude." "Apologize when you hurt someone." "Keep your word, don't break agreements." "Accept responsibility, don't blame."� And the biggie, if there was cheating, "Don't cheat, always tell the truth."

There's nothing more invalidating for a child to know, that they cannot positively effect the health and happiness of their own family members. What some children notice is that the more they try, intend or pray, the worse things get. In other words, they do affect the results those around them produce, but negatively. For example: Children are told in school that smoking and diets effect one's health, even leading to cancer. So they run home excited about possibly supporting their parent's health, and, using their new leadership-communication skills they have been developing, they try to get a parent to stop smoking or to talk about diet, or the biggie, to get them to be happier. Of course the child fails. The same thing happens when they try to make a difference with a parent's abusiveness or if they are involved in illegal activities.

A child can sense, they can tell, they pick up on one's aura, when an adult is truly loving and when they are acting loving. They will tell you when it's time to date and who is compatible for all concerned. Your responsibility is to bring home each date and introduce them to the family (including pets) so as to get their feedback before you go out on the first date and get emotionally/sexually involved.

What would encourage a child to support you in having a new relationship is if there were a few fail-safe protocols in place as to what they should say to you when they hear you treating your new partner the same as you did the first one. They need to have your word that you will stop mid-sentence and allow them to support you in acknowledging abuse. I.e. "Dad, that doesn't feel good." "Thanks, son, I got it."

One last resource is to ask ones parents, "Do you think I'm ready to date again? Tell me the truth" As with asking ones child you must be willing to solicit the truth and abide by the feedback.

Keep in mind that both sets of in-laws knew, at some level, that it was their leadership-communication skills that supported the divorce, that they don't inspire harmony. �With aloha, Gabby

Read, Creating a marriage vow that precludes cheating.

Please check back from time to time as I often edit posts. (last edited 12/22/20)