Your answer to this question can determine whether your
marriage communications will be mostly pleasant or if
there will be lots of arguments ending in an acrimonious
divorce. That is to say, your answer now
predicts the future.
If you have lots to learn about gender bias, sexism,
condescension, manipulation, abuse, responsibility,
surrender and
control then there's a 40-50% chance (ChatGBT4) that you'll end up arguing
during a costly divorce settlement process.
Here's a typical scenario: A couple fall in love just prior to them graduating at the
same time from law school. They have virtually no money,
both are
estranged from their parents. The man
immediately gets a job with a law firm so they get
married. The husband makes lots of money. They have two
children. Within ten years they have a house, a
vacation cottage (both with lovely furnishings), two
cars, a 25' sailboat, and several substantial
investments. The wife served as homemaker and family
manager. They become unhappy and decide to divorce. The
wife wants half of everything. The husband is outraged
and (unilaterally using divorce settlement money) hires
an expensive attorney sincerely believing that because
he did the work he's therefore entitled to more than
50%. The side you take now in this scenario
determines your future; it possibly determines whether
you'll have a happy, prosperous, healthy marriage or an
acrimonious divorce. If you side with the man
then you will end up arguing violently and you'll have proven my
point. Amongst enlightened couples it's a given that
service empowers; it's every much a skill as any other.
The test of whether or not the wife was in-service is
the income, their possessions and their overall good
health. Hour for hour
they both contributed the exact same amount of time and
intention to the marriage.
What's not commonly known is that we all have the exact
same amount of support skills. Some of us use our
leadership-communication support-skills to forward
others in winning, and some of us, because we have a
different set of support skills, unconsciously support
others in plateauing (hanging out in mediocrity), and
still others are unconsciously driven to support
failure, to take as many down with them as possible. The
way to tell how you've been using your support skills is
to look at the results those around you are producing.
Seldom is one aware that they are supporting their
spouse/child in failing (doing poorly in health, school,
or at work) —from one's perspective they honestly
believe they are trying hard to support success.
A free
3-hr consultation
with a communication-skills coach can reveal whether you
are on the way up or down. Keep in mind that very few
therapists also have a master's degree in
speech-communication; they honestly believe that what
they know about
communication is communication. I know of no college or
university that requires education and mental health
majors to complete a four-year Leadership Training
Program.
BTW: The "victim" of an unfair divorce
settlement is unaware that they are stuck in blaming and
in lying. They
have manufactured all sorts of reasons, none of which
are the truth, as to their cause in the matter. They
haven't accepted responsibility for masterminding the
divorce and its outcome.
For example: It's not that the wife
above didn't know up-front her husband's position about
money and possessions, it's that she refused to discuss
such beliefs with him during the engagement so as to be
clear; she arrogantly believed that her marriage would
be different, that it would work in spite of the
statistics. Arrogance begs to be humbled. Notice the
word "refused" —she did have the thought to bring up the
subject and dismissed it, for reasons, underneath which
is fear.
Do print out this tip and share it with your partner.