The first thing you the reader need to do
is, engage the services of a communication-skills coach, therapist,
counselor, or, join a self-awareness type support group—attend
monthly group meetings/sessions for a minimum of one year. Do this
by yourself, not with your partner.
I say "need" because if you keep communicating as you have been,
using the same leadership-communication skills that produced this
result, you will continue to produce more of the same. Later, when
the situation escalates (or more cheating) you will not be able to
say you weren't told. In fact, to not get outside support after
reading this will reveal that it is your intention (albeit
unconsciously) for things to get worse, perhaps to escalate things
to physical abuse.
It doesn't matter if you are the cheatee or the cheater, it's your
leadership-communication skills that created this problem. What's
important is that you tell the truth about your cause in the matter.
Suffice it to say, you have become stuck doing your imitation of
communication. You have honestly and sincerely believed that you
have been in communication with your partner, yet the results
clearly show that what you have unconsciously been up to is to drive
them away. This unconscious intention reveals that you both have
dozens of withholds (thoughts of choice you each don't communicate
verbally) with the other—for fear of . . . Worse yet, it
reveals that you have not been a safe space for communication to
take place.
If you have caused cheating in your marriage it reveals that your
wedding vow included the non-verbal (implied) agreement that
cheating would be allowed. How do we know? We know this based upon
the results your
vow produced. Hippy-like, poetic, beautiful sounding, typical
church-scripted or self-composed vows seldom contain the essentials
to preclude cheating, drugs, and insider trading. Most couples
arrogantly ignore the reality that 50% of all marriages end up in
acrimonious divorce. This self-righteousness causes
communication breakdowns
leading to divorce.
If you cannot see that you caused the cheating (if your partner
cheated on you and you blame him/her) then what this is really about
is that you have unconsciously set up life to complete your
education, specifically the subject of responsibility (cause). Once
you've mastered communicating responsibly, abusive arguments and
cheating simply can't happen.
Between trustworthy couples, couples committed to communicating
openly, honestly, and spontaneously, zero thoughts withheld, a
mutually co-created verbal fidelity agreement is kept, or, it is
renegotiated prior to cheating. What's so is it acknowledges the
possibility that each may presently be unconscious. It allows
millions of divorcees to make a contribution to the success of your
relationship.
An individual who has yet to commit to telling the truth and keeping
agreements will unconsciously avoid looking closely at the specific
consequences of cheating during courtship and prior to voicing the
vows.
It is irresponsible to believe that you
will not create cheating again (set it up to be deceived) without
extensive communication-skills coaching. Often part of a victim's
unconscious intention is to set it up to be deceived (drive their
partner into another's arms) so that they have more clout when
dividing possessions during the divorce. —Gabby
For an example of a wedding vow that precludes cheating read this
Gabby Tip.