So you're engaged to an ax murderer

Well maybe not a murderer, but you've noticed that you find yourself less alive after arguments of which lately there seem to be quite a few. And, most times you think you have to surrender so as to maintain harmony. Perhaps you didn't feel good after your fiancée had done something that conflicts with your code of ethics, be it parking illegally, conning you into deceiving both sets of parents by having sex behind their backs knowing it would upset them, lying to someone, or being rude to a waiter. You've "attempted" to say something but somehow seem to get invalidated and your point is dismissed as being immature or naive. "Loosen up, everyone does it" etc.

These behaviors are referred to as setups. Each incident is his/her way of testing you to see if you're worthy of his/her respect. The truth is you're not. A person of integrity simply doesn't attract such a person or certainly doesn't go out on a second date with them. You intuitively know that if you made a big deal of it they simply wouldn't see you any more, judging you to be too bossy, too much like his/her parents.

When you let something slide it's the beginning of the end of growth and of the experience of communication; it's what's referred to as a breakdown in communication. All that comes after is merely your imitation of communication. You can't "be" with someone if you're dragging around an incomplete (such as an unacknowledged invalidation) from a previous interaction. If you've stuffed and are holding on to a judgment, criticism, or any thought, then you have fear in your relationship. You have compromised your integrity -- for reasons. You are now cause for all that follows, such are the consequences of compromising your integrity for survival or the illusion of love and happiness.

Communication takes place when you can cause another to "get," to acknowledge, your point of view; such conversations end with both feeling good and valued. You don't have to make your partner go back and apologize to the waitress, though a person of integrity would do it on his or her own, they will simply get that such behavior is unacceptable around you. They will value you for supporting them in being a nice person. They will in fact thank you, acknowledging you for pointing out their unconscious rude behavior. Such a partner is a "keeper."

For more about the signs of abuse read about the Spouse Abuse Tutorial