Can't stop getting angry?


If you frequently find yourself getting angry at your spouse, your children, or your parents then this tip will be of value.
 
As you've noticed, trying to stop being angry doesn't work; it simply causes your addiction to anger (yes, it is an addiction) to persist.

 Anger keeps popping up because you're not addressing the source of, the cause of, the anger.

Anger that lasts longer than ten seconds is never about what the mind believes it to be about; such dramatized anger is always about an earlier similar incident. What's worse is that you've been making yourself wrong and often you apologize; both behaviors, making yourself wrong and apologizing, guarantees more of the same undesirable behavior. This same apology-mechanism kicks in for other addictions such as cheating or drinking.

For example:

The lie, "I'm sorry, I won't do it again" absolutely guarantees that you will repeat the behavior. What might work is the truth, "I got that it didn't feel good to you. I don't know if I can be trusted to not do it again." On the other hand, if you accept another's apology with, "That's OK" or, "I understand" or worse, "I forgive you" guarantees they will do it again. Put another way, if you (using your leadership-communication skills) set up another to abuse you, then it doesn't make sense to forgive them for doing what you intended (albeit it unconsciously) them to do.

It's interesting to note that when an inmate is asked during his/her Parole Board Hearing if they think they've learned their lesson, most always the inmate will unconsciously lie. "Oh yes, I'm not going to steal again." Yet the recidivism rate continues to hover around 42% (42% of parolees return to prison). Because Parole Board Members can't hear the unconscious lie** they are unaware that they actually set it up for the inmate to lie; therefore they become co-creators of its consequences.

Your anger is your integrity at work; it's the perfect-you reminding the incomplete-you that you need to clean up something from the past. You've been dragging around an incomplete, a less-than-satisfying interaction left over from an earlier incident, most likely when you were young. An incomplete can be a withhold, or an unacknowledged perpetration such as an abusive interaction (usually something during your childhood); often there's someone else who is also still incomplete, still experiencing the effects, the karma, from the incident, from how you communicated with him/her. With couples it's usually a consequence of withholding a significant thought from your partner. Your integrity keeps setting up life to get caught for a lifetime of unacknowledged perpetrations.

For example:

If as a child you were yelled at, spanked, or hit for something (for anything)* and the abuser has yet, to this day, acknowledged that they know their reaction was in fact abusive, then you both are incomplete about that incident. I.e. "Son, I get that my yelling didn't feel good. I know it was abusive." Premise: Until your mind hears those specific words you will have no choice other than to abuse those around you.

Now add hundreds of other similar abuses perpetrated on you by others (usually by one's parents) and you can begin to get a sense of how many incompletes (less than satisfying interactions) you've been dragging around into each present-day communication. What completes any less-than-satisfying interaction is an acknowledgment (instead of unconscious denial) and, a mutually satisfying communication (with another or even with yourself)

Another example:

If as a child you lied, cheated, or abused someone then your anger could be you reminding yourself to clean up an earlier perpetration. That is to say, your integrity won't let you achieve and sustain the experience of health, happiness, and prosperity until you clean up life's perpetrations. In fact, you'll keep setting up life to have others thwart you and, you'll continue to blame them instead of acknowledging that your integrity is out. In short, you keep setting up life to get complete about incident #1, the very first incident/perpetration.

Here are two communication processes that will support you in being whole and complete, in being in-integrity:

When you find yourself having expressed your anger abusively (in a way that didn't feel good to another), anger that got triggered by someone else, you must acknowledge your abuse to the abused. You must let them know as soon as you're aware of the abusive communication. If you give another permission to let you know when a communication of yours doesn't feel good then you will arrive at choice much sooner.

For example:

After yelling at your child you need to communicate: "I get that that didn't feel good. I know that it was abusive."

Notice that there is absolutely no make-wrong or apology. If you do this each and every time you notice that you've been abusive you will soon start to experience uncomfortableness and embarrassment, and then upset, due in part because you were not aware of just how often you've been abusive and, that you still don't seem to have a choice to not yell. You'll have the profound realization of just how abusive you've been to those you love. Once you start verbally acknowledging your abuses, your mind, to protect itself from knowing how abusive it's been, will stop acknowledging each and every abuse. Not to worry, your integrity will keep setting up life for others to bring to the front of your mind your addiction to abuse. As you would expect, no sane person, no one who is whole and complete, would choose to continue to submit themselves to more abuse, consequently you'll eventually drive your partner out of your life. The secret to completing your automatic knee-jerk abusive reactions is not to try and stop abusing but to simply acknowledge it every single time.

Eventually you'll find yourself having memories of earlier and similar incidents (mostly childhood). These incidents, these incompletes, are the ones you need to share with someone (anyone). It's the sharing of an incomplete that completes it. Soon you'll find yourself being able to observe yourself in the middle of expressing anger but still not be able to choose not to be angry, however, if you keep acknowledging your anger to the abused you'll find yourself having choices right in the middle of an interaction.

The second process:

The Clearing Process. It's about emptying your mind of all thoughts that presently serve as barriers to you consistently manifesting your stated intentions. It's about you recalling and acknowledging life's perpetrations so as to release the karma for each incident. It's free and extremely powerful.

* There is nothing (absolutely nothing) a child could do that warrants hitting. A parent who hits a child has lost his/her ability (perhaps never had it) to inspire desired behaviors; the parent is withholding one or more significant thoughts from someone of significance.

 ** If one is dragging around a lifetime of unacknowledged perpetrations it makes it difficult to experience another's lie, another's con. Few, if any, Parole Board Members are required to do a clearing process, ergo, 42% recidivism.

Last edited 4/21/21

 

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