I was so conflicted with turmoil from what I now believe to be the build up of lies taking up space in my mind that I was unable to function anymore, unable to make decisions, unaware of what I wanted. Then I found your site and after deliberation about the effects it would have on my marriage decided that I could not continue my life/marriage holding onto all the lies if I wanted to ever be happy, fulfilled or allow my husband to be. I did a spouse clearing with him fairly immediately and it seemed all the problems in our marriage are mine for which I felt selfish initially but I don't believe he dug deep enough. I know he is still troubled by his fathers abuse as a child and bullying suffered at school as he mentions it fairly regularly but I see I have never acknowledged it. Instead I have negated it in my own mind because I had different experiences as a child and of his father and also opennly to him. I think he is possibly more conflicted than me. I wonder am I trying to hold into this relationship from some desire to be abused? Every relationship that mattered to be with a man was abusive in some way, physically as well as emotionally, except the ones that didn't last long because I lost interest and left them. I see how I have enabled my husband controll me, possibly even trained him to over our 11 years. At heart he is such a good man with my best intentions at heart. He seeks ways to do things for me that will make me happy, things I have communicated to him that I like. He is a very perceptive listener but so trusting and I have tricked him badly so many times into getting exactly what I want. Often with sex. We have never had a good sex life, by which I mean I have rarely orgasmed as he finishes very quickly and I don't get time to even warm up usually or am left feeling frustrated. I thought I was protecting his feelings by telling him it didn't matter that that wasn't important to me when really it was but now I wonder was I doing it to create an imbalance in our relationship to get what I wanted from him else surely I could have come up with some solutions. I have blamed him for not doing anything about it over our 11 years but surely that is enough time for me to get over my fears of him seeing me masturbate to satisfaction if satisfaction is really what I wanted. I think it must not have been because I masterminded three affairs and numerous other flirtation none of which I was able to orgasm in but continued anyway. Am I really so manipulative? I have lied to him about spending money to get what I wanted and had sex to coerce him into letting me get things or getting me things. I have expected him to make me happy, blamed him for my lack of happiness. I have abused his trust but I feel that I do love him and want to save our marriage. I am afraid of being seen as a failure of thinking myself a failure, of hurting our children if it does not work out. I am afraid of being alone though I know I would seek out another partner quickly because I always have in the past but am sure it would lead to more unsatisfactory results. I know I could manage fine financially and I have a sister who is very supportive. But I feel I desperately need a mans attention, affection, approval. I have confessed my three affairs to my husband but not who they were with as I am afraid of what he might do to them, we live in a small town and he knows who two are, one lives 400km away. I have ceased all contact with them and told the current one why. Deleted their numbers and taken them off my social media friends list. I know I made a decision to be with him, I didn't fall in love with him and was never attracted to him. I knew he could give me what I needed/wanted as I was pregnant with me ex fionces baby at the time but he had loved me for years and I had previously rejected his advances due to lack of attraction. I decided that wasn't what a relationship was really about that his companionship and friendship, supportiveness was the important part since being IN love fades anyway but I underestimated how that would affect our sex life. I think this imbalance I created by thinking I M better than him that I settled for him is partly to blame for his premature ejaculation and I have actively sought to maintain this imbalance by not fixing my problem with it as I mentioned earlier. I love how much he loves me and the good person he is but I don't feel like I love him the way he loves me, I feel like he loves me more and more honestly. I don't know why because I don't feel I am particularly love able and now he knows the truth about all my lies I don't see how he could ever forgive me. Though I know he will try and most likely will want to because he loves me do much, I am afraid he will forgive me and I feel that would be too easy, that I deserve to suffer so that I am punishing myself by not eating as I have gotten good at using this as a means of controlling something in my life when I feel I have little controll though I know it will make me sick. I'm crying because I know I am hurting myself. I don't want him to forgive me so I said things in a hurtful way to give him cause to hate me, to be angry. Have I sabotaged our relationship on purpose? I feel I don't know what I want. I don't know if I want to work on our relationship because I don't trust that I want to for the right reasons and believe I need to put his best interest forward now. I didn't discuss how I felt with him sooner though he has been trying to get me to open up knowing I wasn't happy because I was afraid it would crush him, then I realized I was really afraid of what he would think of me but saw that that would help him to be angry with me, make it easier for him to let go. He has taken our 2 children out of town to give me some space to figure out what I want as he already said he wants to try to work it out though he is angry for what I have done (the affairs). I told him I will understand if he changed his mind about that once it sinks in, it has only been one day but I'm afraid he will see he can't take me back while he is away or once he comes back and tries then realizes he can't trust me anymore. Actually I'm more afraid he will take me back then try to punish me even if he doesn't mean to it would make life unbearable and it would still be my fault. I feel like I need to have a seperation, time to figure out my problems but I'm afraid he won't still be there when I'm done. I'm afraid to keep him hanging on if I decide I need to end the relationship that isn't fair. I thought telling him about the affair would put the ball in his court but he passed it back to me and I don't know what to do with it.
I know for our marriage to have any hope I need to take responsibility for my part in my problems, for my lack of communication. I need to learn to communicate better to get what I need/want in honest ways with integrity. I shouldnt need to trick him. I need to respect him as an equal which I think will help with my attraction issue and his self confidence. I think we could possibly work it out, I hope we can in the long run because the relationship was satisfying for me in so many other ways and he says he was happy.