Hi ________,
Good question.
Re: "I have read the definitions of perpetrations. i [sic] am wondering if all perpetrations are supposed to be revealed to the ones we perpetrated against?" Your use of the word "we" reveals that your question is rhetorical. It suggests that you will understand the answer but that you're not ready to act upon it. It also reveals that you are not clear about responsibility. Mo betta, ". . . the
one I perpetrated against." Else, you're not addressing the specific relationship you have in mind. However, a generalization, as you have here, is a good starting point. What's missing is any sense of you being willing to be supported in being complete in that relationship. Understanding a problem and what to do is different than doing it; understanding something leads one to lecturing others about what to do but from hypocrisy.
"Supposed to be . . ." No, however, the specific perpetration will keep popping up in your mind as an incomplete. If you are intent on mastering communication, and therefore life, it is advised to do so. Not to worry, your integrity will support you handling things ethically and responsibly. And, as soon as you restore your integrity for present-day out-integrities, the space you create by completing them will reveal any others that might be serving as barriers to communication. Another answer might be, would you want another to withhold such thoughts from you?
Integrity is a game, it's a mountain that always needs climbing, we become in-integrity and then we create being out-integrity; we clean that one up and another pops up. I see something that needs to be put in it's proper place, I put it away and then another incomplete appears. Eventually you'll have created enough space to manifest your stated intentions instead of taking what you get (your unconscious intentions).
A nice analogy is to visualize yourself holding a heavy bar of lead in both hands and say, I, or life, is offering you a bar of gold; all you have to do is let go of the lead (to complete your relationship with lead). Holding on to sucky relationships will begin to cost you even more after reading this stuff, because whereas before you were unconscious and were living from a programmed decision you will now have moment-to-moment choices, to abuse and be abused or not; if you choose more of the same it now becomes a premeditated choice, to have abuse free relationships or not. Delaying cleaning up a relationship for another 24 hours (always for "good" reasons) has it's own undesirable karma.
One problem with choosing to not confront the person (to address the issue with the person through to comfortableness) is, that you can't be certain about the cause of future
breakdowns in communication until you do, and, you will keep creating similar outcomes to remind you to clean up the past.
Often what happens when you mention, say, to a high school friend, your recalled verbal abuse to them, they'll reply. "I don't even remember it. Think nothing of it. I did worse to you, etc." In other words, they usually have accumulated so many unacknowledged perpetrations that their mind is so clouded they can't recall such things. Still, you and I know that our abuse of them back then affects every interaction they have to this very day, so bringing it up might only begin the integrity restoration process for them
You use friends (such as me) to support your integrity (putting in/restoring our integrities), especially when it comes to problem solving. Although you have yet to share the specific incomplete to which you refer, it, the incomplete, now occupies space in
my mind. It turns from responsible sharing, to a dump in another's space, when you refuse to resolve it, to complete it. It would invalidate me as a supporter. If I didn't support you in cleaning up, say, a present-day relationship perpetration, I become an enabler of deceit and abuse.
It could be said that my life of service is how I complete a lifetime of perpetrations that can't realistically be completed. Instead of relocating the dozens of clergy I've interacted with over the course of a lifetime of hundreds of withholds and lies between us) I serve. As an orphan, then foster child, and then back to being an orphan, living in more than a dozen communities up through age 18, I simply acknowledge each perp as it appears to a friend, who simply gets it. For example: During this process (about 33 years ago), I recalled a tool box I stole from a farmer. The farm has since become a mall. I have not returned to New England, and, my sense tells me the farmer's no dead. So, I donated $100.00 ($25 plus interest for all those years) to one of my orphanages.
Yesterday, as I was repairing my 6-yr-old neighbor's bike it triggered memories (not of any specific incidents) but the realization of the dozens of times I must have stolen a bike part from another's bike or had a bike stolen from me. The act of sharing it here with you is probably all I'll need to complete that imagined perpetration.
It's important to have one friend who is committed to the integrity process, someone with whom you can share everything. However, you must always be willing to be supported in at least acknowledging past perps.
Re: ". . . without hurting them." Again, a rhetorical question that doesn't address the specifics. However, I don't recommend that you attempt to clean it up verbally just yet, especially if there is fear that it might trigger upset. There is a way to
create a context for delivering difficult communications but if you "try" using your present communication model it will most likely produce more of the same.
Please keep in mind, by agreement, I'm unable to comment on anything you've shared in a clearing until you mention it to me here/another post.
Keep checking back here for edits. (last edited 4/22/12 1233)
Kerry