BTW: It's impossible to be a noncommunicator. One is always communicating, verbally, non-verbally, or psychically. It can't even be said that you're an ineffective communicator, given that your communications have done a perfect job of training your husband to relate as he has/does. What's so is you simple have been unaware of your intentions. It would work to stop lying, saying you want an abuse-free marriage, and see what it feels like to say, "I have masterminded my relationship to be this way for some, as yet, unknown but brilliant reason. There's genius lurking here somewhere.
Re: “Yes, I can see that I was being very non-specific. The word “very” is redundant. Simply, non-specific. Save the word “very” for conscious emphasis. Extra/unnecessary words are referred to as noise; noise gets in the way of comprehension.
Re: “I am not a person of integrity.” Mo betta to say [I am presently out-integrity with many things]; rather than label yourself. Integrity describes a condition it's not a good/bad thing, nor is it wrong to be out-integrity, most everyone is. A car is said to be out-integrity if the wiper are worn and don't work as designed. Wipers are not inherently good or bad, they simply work (in-integrity) or they don't work (out-integrity). Such an unconscious labeling becomes a mantra (an affirmation) much the same as “I am an alcoholic” instead of, "I was an alcoholic and I am not being one this minute" The same goes for “I am, or you are, a liar," or, "I am, or you are, a thief," instead of I have lied and I have stolen.
BTW: Very few people operate from integrity on a daily basis—unless one is playing a very small safe game. Integrity is not meant to be another “should.” It’s simply a game that you win with each completion and then go on to the next incomplete; the game is never ever over. I get my closet conscious at the expense of a messy carport. I clean up the carport and the closet now has a shirt that’s not hung neatly, etc. etc.. It’s virtually impossible to have everything, car, insurance, garden, bathrooms, etc. be conscious. The major benefit of playing the integrity game is that when something goes wrong, a broken agreement, a stubbed toe, my mind usually comes up with an earlier perpetration (an incomplete) that it is/might be about. It's good to see what my thoughts were just as I stubbed my toes, often it it's a not nice thought about something, sometimes a blame.
Re: “. . . leaving me to believe that a monumental task lies before me if I want to become a person of integrity.” Not so. The commitment to live from integrity simply means to clean up what’s before you, what’s presently on your mind this very moment. Nothing monumental about it. As you complete your incompletes you’ll begin to have choices, whether or not to utter a responsible or a blaming statement. I’d recommend that you continue doing the clearing process until all that comes to mind are today’s incompletes, today's withholds, and today's perpetrations. Presently you’re unaware of your daily perps. Keep re reading the instructions.
Re: “Would a letter be appropriate . . .” Yes, though it’s best to first run it by someone who plays the integrity game else you might accidentally lie in the letter. Unconscious lies have undesirable effects. Also, you would have to create a context for writing out of the blue with such a, seemingly to him, off-the-wall acknowledgment. 12 steppers explain such communications by prefacing their ack with, [I’m going over my life and ack’ing all the lies]. It would help if you also included, “No need to reply” else, because they don’t know what to say, they procrastinate replying which then become a perpetration for them. You may have cleaned up your incomplete but created one for someone else.
Re: “My life is riddled with fears,” This I get. Had you not revealed your decision to remain married I would have asked you to recall the very first time/incident that you experienced fear. There is something about that incident that’s running you. BTW: Estrangement
does not require a divorce.
Re: “. . . that they are responsible for the misery in marriage, for the disrespect of their children.” This reply was directed at someone who was intent on resolving his/her problem. Some readers get value from reading it, others argue, and others simply go unconscious. It doesn’t apply to you because you operate from a different definition of the word responsibility
. Our tutorial participants agree to be willing to communicate responsibly, zero blame. Instead of my husband cheated on me or my husband isn’t a safe person for me to tell the truth, a responsible person would try on for size, “Somehow or other I did it, I don’t know how (but I’m WILLING to look at it from cause) that using my leadership communication-skills I drove my husband into another’s arms
” and, “I don’t know how to get into communication with my husband and so I blame him for not being a safe space for me to tell him the truth. I don't even know how to get him to open up to me.”
Re: “Yet in the 12-step program I have begun to work, it has been repeatedly mentioned that I am never responsible for another person's behavior. Just because another tells you that you aren’t responsible doesn’t mean that you aren’t and, just because another tell you that you are doesn't mean that you are. You have a choice as to which definition supports you in being whole and complete sans blame. Keep in mind the 12-step program requires you to have the same problem day after day—for life. "I am an alcoholic” and I always will be, and there is absolutely no possible way for me to get back to drinking responsibility. It argues vehemently against transformation. If one repeats a mantra long enough they make it come true, such as, I am a liar, I’m a bad person, I’m a thief, etc. 12-steppers and staunch religious people are not allowed to do the Spouse Abuse Tutorial
because they are arrogant, they are stuck in a belief system that keeps them producing more of the same; what’s worse is they are addicted to self-righteous arguing. Any position (such as your decision to remain married) shuts down communication, it precludes possibilities. It would be impossible for me, or many others, to win with you. You’d rather die being be right about agreements, than have life work the way you suspect it could. You have a misunderstanding about agreements.
Re: “I am in a marriage where there is mutual lack of honesty.” Here’s an example of an irresponsible covert blaming statement. Vs. “I began the relationship by withholding certain truths (for fear of . . .) which caused him to withhold his thoughts of choice, and now I blame him for the consequences of my withholds , the breakdown in communication
between us. My karma was such that I attracted someone to mirror my out-integrity." The way you describe him I already don’t like him and I’ve never even met the guy. It’s unethical to turn another against another.
Re: “. . . and were living from a programmed decision you will now have moment-to-moment choices, to abuse and be abused, or not.” That was presumptive of me; I incorrectly assumed you were intent on accelerating the communication mastery process. Your decision to remain married means that you will continue living from a decision (to remain married) which precludes you from being able to choose each day, to interact with abusive people or to have an abuse-free day. A decision murders the possibility of choosing.
Re: “. . . no possible resolution, except tyring [sic] to clear up perps one by one, as they come to me.” Except for your unconscious use of the word “trying.” Keep cleaning up the past, it will clear your mind, it will allow you to see truths that you cannot see now. It will create space for you to operate from choice.
Your self-righteous position about agreements (wedding vow) and the description of your marriage is inconsistent with the results produced by those who faithfully practice their religion. It appears that you have not availed yourself of your priest's council; this sabotages him, it invalidates him and the benefits of following the tenants of your faith. Talk to your priest before posting again; if you have already and it didn’t work, go back and tell him so that he knows that his counsel didn’t work. If not, he'll keep doing the same with others believing he's a successful counselor. I know of no religious or 12-step leader who has spent as much time studying communication as has a communication-skills coach.
You may continue to use the clearing process but please don’t reply/post here again until you can tell me you are not living/interacting (except for logistics) with someone addicted to abuse for 6 months in a row, and have not attended a 12-step meeting for 3 months in a row. Presently you are addicted to abusing and to setting it up to be abused, and to blaming, and so your husband cannot heal with you in his life.
would feel nice.