perpetrations

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noncommunicator
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Joined: Fri Apr 20, 2012 10:50 am

perpetrations

Postby noncommunicator » Sun Apr 22, 2012 3:32 am

I have read the definitions of perpetrations. i am wondering if all perpetrations are supposed to be revealed to the ones we perpetrated against? If so how to do this without hurting them??? Thanks

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Kerry
Posts: 429
Joined: Sat Aug 31, 2002 8:01 pm

Re: perpetrations

Postby Kerry » Sun Apr 22, 2012 10:16 am

Hi ________,

Good question.

Re: "I have read the definitions of perpetrations. i [sic] am wondering if all perpetrations are supposed to be revealed to the ones we perpetrated against?" Your use of the word "we" reveals that your question is rhetorical. It suggests that you will understand the answer but that you're not ready to act upon it. It also reveals that you are not clear about responsibility. Mo betta, ". . . the one I perpetrated against." Else, you're not addressing the specific relationship you have in mind. However, a generalization, as you have here, is a good starting point. What's missing is any sense of you being willing to be supported in being complete in that relationship. Understanding a problem and what to do is different than doing it; understanding something leads one to lecturing others about what to do but from hypocrisy.

"Supposed to be . . ." No, however, the specific perpetration will keep popping up in your mind as an incomplete. If you are intent on mastering communication, and therefore life, it is advised to do so. Not to worry, your integrity will support you handling things ethically and responsibly. And, as soon as you restore your integrity for present-day out-integrities, the space you create by completing them will reveal any others that might be serving as barriers to communication. Another answer might be, would you want another to withhold such thoughts from you?

Integrity is a game, it's a mountain that always needs climbing, we become in-integrity and then we create being out-integrity; we clean that one up and another pops up. I see something that needs to be put in it's proper place, I put it away and then another incomplete appears. Eventually you'll have created enough space to manifest your stated intentions instead of taking what you get (your unconscious intentions).

A nice analogy is to visualize yourself holding a heavy bar of lead in both hands and say, I, or life, is offering you a bar of gold; all you have to do is let go of the lead (to complete your relationship with lead). Holding on to sucky relationships will begin to cost you even more after reading this stuff, because whereas before you were unconscious and were living from a programmed decision you will now have moment-to-moment choices, to abuse and be abused or not; if you choose more of the same it now becomes a premeditated choice, to have abuse free relationships or not. Delaying cleaning up a relationship for another 24 hours (always for "good" reasons) has it's own undesirable karma.

One problem with choosing to not confront the person (to address the issue with the person through to comfortableness) is, that you can't be certain about the cause of future breakdowns in communication until you do, and, you will keep creating similar outcomes to remind you to clean up the past.

Often what happens when you mention, say, to a high school friend, your recalled verbal abuse to them, they'll reply. "I don't even remember it. Think nothing of it. I did worse to you, etc." In other words, they usually have accumulated so many unacknowledged perpetrations that their mind is so clouded they can't recall such things. Still, you and I know that our abuse of them back then affects every interaction they have to this very day, so bringing it up might only begin the integrity restoration process for them

You use friends (such as me) to support your integrity (putting in/restoring our integrities), especially when it comes to problem solving. Although you have yet to share the specific incomplete to which you refer, it, the incomplete, now occupies space in my mind. It turns from responsible sharing, to a dump in another's space, when you refuse to resolve it, to complete it. It would invalidate me as a supporter. If I didn't support you in cleaning up, say, a present-day relationship perpetration, I become an enabler of deceit and abuse.

It could be said that my life of service is how I complete a lifetime of perpetrations that can't realistically be completed. Instead of relocating the dozens of clergy I've interacted with over the course of a lifetime of hundreds of withholds and lies between us) I serve. As an orphan, then foster child, and then back to being an orphan, living in more than a dozen communities up through age 18, I simply acknowledge each perp as it appears to a friend, who simply gets it. For example: During this process (about 33 years ago), I recalled a tool box I stole from a farmer. The farm has since become a mall. I have not returned to New England, and, my sense tells me the farmer's no dead. So, I donated $100.00 ($25 plus interest for all those years) to one of my orphanages.

Yesterday, as I was repairing my 6-yr-old neighbor's bike it triggered memories (not of any specific incidents) but the realization of the dozens of times I must have stolen a bike part from another's bike or had a bike stolen from me. The act of sharing it here with you is probably all I'll need to complete that imagined perpetration.

It's important to have one friend who is committed to the integrity process, someone with whom you can share everything. However, you must always be willing to be supported in at least acknowledging past perps.

Re: ". . . without hurting them." Again, a rhetorical question that doesn't address the specifics. However, I don't recommend that you attempt to clean it up verbally just yet, especially if there is fear that it might trigger upset. There is a way to create a context for delivering difficult communications but if you "try" using your present communication model it will most likely produce more of the same.

Please keep in mind, by agreement, I'm unable to comment on anything you've shared in a clearing until you mention it to me here/another post.

Keep checking back here for edits. (last edited 4/22/12 1233)

Kerry

noncommunicator
Posts: 3
Joined: Fri Apr 20, 2012 10:50 am

Re: perpetrations

Postby noncommunicator » Mon Apr 23, 2012 2:51 am

Yes, I can see that I was being very non-specific and that the reason is that I am not yet ready to deal with my perps. I am not a person of integrity or I would not be here. Starting with one specific perp: I told a lie to a friend 31 years ago when he asked about my income selling real estate. In stead of telling him it was an inappropriate question I lied. He lives two thousand miles away. Would a letter be appropriate and would I state the fact that in the past I lied during a conversation about my income and that I need to be honest about it, and then tell him that I did not make six figures that year in real estate?

My life is riddled with fears, fear of getting into trouble, fear of angry people, fear of hurting people's feelings. One thing I fear a great deal is conflict. Also, you are quite right that I am most uncertain about responsibility.

I include the definition here:

Responsible: 1. Liable to be required to give account, as of one's actions or of the discharge of a duty or trust. 2. Involving personal accountability or ability to act without guidance or superior authority: a responsible position within the company. 3. Being a source or cause. 4. Able to make moral or rational decisions on one's own and therefore answerable for one's behavior. 5. Able to be trusted or depended upon; reliable. 6. Based on or characterized by good judgment or sound thinking: responsible journalism. 7. Having the means to pay debts or fulfill obligations. 8. Required to render account; answerable: The cabinet is responsible to the parliament.

I am absolutely certain that I am not (6. Based on or ) characterized by good judgment or sound thinking. I actually found your website looking for verbage for communication. I rarely know how to express myself honestly with

I have read somewhere (here? or Dear Gabby) where a user has been told (paraphrasing it the way I understood it) that they are responsible for the misery in marriage, for the disrespect of their children. Yet in the 12-step program I have begun to work, it has been repeatedly mentioned that I am never responsible for another person's behavior. This leaves me quite confused. Reading your definition, I can see that it is probably so, leaving me to believe that a monumental task lies before me if I want to become a person of integrity. Thank you for the examples of your own perps that you shared with me and the way in which you were able to complete them.

I have a question regarding this statement: "because whereas before you were unconscious and were living from a programmed decision you will now have moment-to-moment choices, to abuse and be abused or not; if you choose more of the same it now becomes a premeditated choice, to have abuse free relationships or not. Delaying cleaning up a relationship for another 24 hours (always for "good" reasons) has it's own undesirable karma." I am in a marriage where there is mutual lack of honesty (abuse?). However, I made a promise, "until death," and I meant it, and I mean it now. Therefore, I see no possible resolution, except tyring to clear up perps one by one, as they come to me. However, I do not view my spouse as a "safe" person with whom I can have no withholds.

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Kerry
Posts: 429
Joined: Sat Aug 31, 2002 8:01 pm

Re: perpetrations

Postby Kerry » Mon Apr 23, 2012 1:39 pm

Hi noncommunicator,

BTW: It's impossible to be a noncommunicator. One is always communicating, verbally, non-verbally, or psychically. It can't even be said that you're an ineffective communicator, given that your communications have done a perfect job of training your husband to relate as he has/does. What's so is you simple have been unaware of your intentions. It would work to stop lying, saying you want an abuse-free marriage, and see what it feels like to say, "I have masterminded my relationship to be this way for some, as yet, unknown but brilliant reason. There's genius lurking here somewhere.

Re: “Yes, I can see that I was being very non-specific. The word “very” is redundant. Simply, non-specific. Save the word “very” for conscious emphasis. Extra/unnecessary words are referred to as noise; noise gets in the way of comprehension.

Re: “I am not a person of integrity.” Mo betta to say [I am presently out-integrity with many things]; rather than label yourself. Integrity describes a condition it's not a good/bad thing, nor is it wrong to be out-integrity, most everyone is. A car is said to be out-integrity if the wiper are worn and don't work as designed. Wipers are not inherently good or bad, they simply work (in-integrity) or they don't work (out-integrity). Such an unconscious labeling becomes a mantra (an affirmation) much the same as “I am an alcoholic” instead of, "I was an alcoholic and I am not being one this minute" The same goes for “I am, or you are, a liar," or, "I am, or you are, a thief," instead of I have lied and I have stolen.

BTW: Very few people operate from integrity on a daily basis—unless one is playing a very small safe game. Integrity is not meant to be another “should.” It’s simply a game that you win with each completion and then go on to the next incomplete; the game is never ever over. I get my closet conscious at the expense of a messy carport. I clean up the carport and the closet now has a shirt that’s not hung neatly, etc. etc.. It’s virtually impossible to have everything, car, insurance, garden, bathrooms, etc. be conscious. The major benefit of playing the integrity game is that when something goes wrong, a broken agreement, a stubbed toe, my mind usually comes up with an earlier perpetration (an incomplete) that it is/might be about. It's good to see what my thoughts were just as I stubbed my toes, often it it's a not nice thought about something, sometimes a blame.

Re: “. . . leaving me to believe that a monumental task lies before me if I want to become a person of integrity.” Not so. The commitment to live from integrity simply means to clean up what’s before you, what’s presently on your mind this very moment. Nothing monumental about it. As you complete your incompletes you’ll begin to have choices, whether or not to utter a responsible or a blaming statement. I’d recommend that you continue doing the clearing process until all that comes to mind are today’s incompletes, today's withholds, and today's perpetrations. Presently you’re unaware of your daily perps. Keep re reading the instructions.

Re: “Would a letter be appropriate . . .” Yes, though it’s best to first run it by someone who plays the integrity game else you might accidentally lie in the letter. Unconscious lies have undesirable effects. Also, you would have to create a context for writing out of the blue with such a, seemingly to him, off-the-wall acknowledgment. 12 steppers explain such communications by prefacing their ack with, [I’m going over my life and ack’ing all the lies]. It would help if you also included, “No need to reply” else, because they don’t know what to say, they procrastinate replying which then become a perpetration for them. You may have cleaned up your incomplete but created one for someone else.

Re: “My life is riddled with fears,” This I get. Had you not revealed your decision to remain married I would have asked you to recall the very first time/incident that you experienced fear. There is something about that incident that’s running you. BTW: Estrangement does not require a divorce.

Re: “. . . that they are responsible for the misery in marriage, for the disrespect of their children.” This reply was directed at someone who was intent on resolving his/her problem. Some readers get value from reading it, others argue, and others simply go unconscious. It doesn’t apply to you because you operate from a different definition of the word responsibility. Our tutorial participants agree to be willing to communicate responsibly, zero blame. Instead of my husband cheated on me or my husband isn’t a safe person for me to tell the truth, a responsible person would try on for size, “Somehow or other I did it, I don’t know how (but I’m WILLING to look at it from cause) that using my leadership communication-skills I drove my husband into another’s arms” and, “I don’t know how to get into communication with my husband and so I blame him for not being a safe space for me to tell him the truth. I don't even know how to get him to open up to me.”

Re: “Yet in the 12-step program I have begun to work, it has been repeatedly mentioned that I am never responsible for another person's behavior. Just because another tells you that you aren’t responsible doesn’t mean that you aren’t and, just because another tell you that you are doesn't mean that you are. You have a choice as to which definition supports you in being whole and complete sans blame. Keep in mind the 12-step program requires you to have the same problem day after day—for life. "I am an alcoholic” and I always will be, and there is absolutely no possible way for me to get back to drinking responsibility. It argues vehemently against transformation. If one repeats a mantra long enough they make it come true, such as, I am a liar, I’m a bad person, I’m a thief, etc. 12-steppers and staunch religious people are not allowed to do the Spouse Abuse Tutorial because they are arrogant, they are stuck in a belief system that keeps them producing more of the same; what’s worse is they are addicted to self-righteous arguing. Any position (such as your decision to remain married) shuts down communication, it precludes possibilities. It would be impossible for me, or many others, to win with you. You’d rather die being be right about agreements, than have life work the way you suspect it could. You have a misunderstanding about agreements.

Re: “I am in a marriage where there is mutual lack of honesty.” Here’s an example of an irresponsible covert blaming statement. Vs. “I began the relationship by withholding certain truths (for fear of . . .) which caused him to withhold his thoughts of choice, and now I blame him for the consequences of my withholds , the breakdown in communication between us. My karma was such that I attracted someone to mirror my out-integrity." The way you describe him I already don’t like him and I’ve never even met the guy. It’s unethical to turn another against another.

Re: “. . . and were living from a programmed decision you will now have moment-to-moment choices, to abuse and be abused, or not.” That was presumptive of me; I incorrectly assumed you were intent on accelerating the communication mastery process. Your decision to remain married means that you will continue living from a decision (to remain married) which precludes you from being able to choose each day, to interact with abusive people or to have an abuse-free day. A decision murders the possibility of choosing.

Re: “. . . no possible resolution, except tyring [sic] to clear up perps one by one, as they come to me.” Except for your unconscious use of the word “trying.” Keep cleaning up the past, it will clear your mind, it will allow you to see truths that you cannot see now. It will create space for you to operate from choice.

Your self-righteous position about agreements (wedding vow) and the description of your marriage is inconsistent with the results produced by those who faithfully practice their religion. It appears that you have not availed yourself of your priest's council; this sabotages him, it invalidates him and the benefits of following the tenants of your faith. Talk to your priest before posting again; if you have already and it didn’t work, go back and tell him so that he knows that his counsel didn’t work. If not, he'll keep doing the same with others believing he's a successful counselor. I know of no religious or 12-step leader who has spent as much time studying communication as has a communication-skills coach.

You may continue to use the clearing process but please don’t reply/post here again until you can tell me you are not living/interacting (except for logistics) with someone addicted to abuse for 6 months in a row, and have not attended a 12-step meeting for 3 months in a row. Presently you are addicted to abusing and to setting it up to be abused, and to blaming, and so your husband cannot heal with you in his life.

A donation would feel nice.

With aloha,

Kerry


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