In reply to your 27 Dec 2011 05:34 am post.
My knee-jerk reply: “Been there done that and, we split amicably.” There’s nothing wrong with hanging out with someone as you each discover what you both want—your respective purposes in life aside from survival—a mutual agreement to use each other to become clear and grow.
If you were starting over, but knew her as you do now, would you have gone on a second date? It’s a hypothetical question but it might shed some light. You say “love” yet you want to fix her, to change her. That ain’t love. She doesn’t even love herself how can you love her? Do you experience the joy and ecstasy (tears) of love when you’re with her? It’s perfectly ok to love someone conceptually and not have them as your primary relationship.
I’m more concerned about your apparent addiction to choosing a woman who is not whole and complete, one who needs fixing, someone who has yet to learn how to be happy by/with her self. Don’t get me wrong; keep dating her, and in the meantime practice communicating openly, honestly, and spontaneously—zero thoughts withheld.
Clearly you are not getting her considerations when you clear her, because she still has them. And, clearly she doesn’t communicate them to disappear them. What’s missing from both of you is the intention to communicate so as to be whole and complete. Have you done the couple’s clearing process with her? If yes, keep doing it (abstain from sex) until you get to the source of her unhappiness. One pitfall with trying to help her is that it reveals that it’s you who are hiding something from her. You focus on her unhappiness as a reason to not have to handle your own stuff. Each day you have a choice to be happy or to have the same problem day after day. No one can be happy around you until you choose, throughout each day, to be happy, especially choosing to be with other happy people.
Have you ever dated (for long) a woman who was whole and complete, your equal?
Re: Her asking you what to do smacks of you setting it up to be her father. Helping creates dependency; unbeknownst to you she has revealed that you are an enabler.
The problem reveals that neither of you have created/discovered your purposes in life. A person on purpose simply doesn’t have time to worry about self-image or worry about another’s self-image. For a power source relationship work you both must admire and respect each other’s profession and both must experience the synergy (1 + 1 = 3) that comes from the mutual support.
Can you recall a time, after you started conversations with me, in which you both were very happy? If yes, then possibly you are experiencing the consequences of not acknowledging me and others.*
When you have an interaction with someone and it works, it produces positive results, what works is to acknowledge the source. It could be that you’ve taken on my role with her instead of letting her know that I’ve been supporting you. It’s referred to as taking the goodies and running, pretending that you are the source. For me I acknowledge Werner Erhard and L. Ron Hubbard. Notice that she has not made a donation to ComCom in profound appreciation for her relationship with you.*
I say “others” because when you get your life and relationships working you must share it with others else you lose it. Sharing it could be simply donating
so as to empower me to keep doing what I do. For example: What works for Mormons is they commit 2 years to missionary work, the coms it takes to enroll others (such as turning on another to ComCom's support) keeps them from generating your kinds of thoughts. Service serves. Read about communication breakdowns
Most importantly, notice that she has not sought outside support such as you did with me. She has yet to formulate an intention to be whole and complete. One brings their happiness into a relationship, not try to find happiness through another relationship. One's relationship with oneself is the key.
Re: “Personal self-esteem” and “self-image.” These are pop culture words that, for her, represent a specific dissatisfaction. In other words, they are generalizations. All we know is that she hasn’t gotten to the truth of what this is about. When the truth is told the problem disappears. It looks to me as though she controls you, remaining incomplete so as to entertain you, to keep you around. In her mind she honestly believes that if she were with or doing something else (the right thing) she’d be happy. It’s unethical of her to be dumping stuff in your space, stuff she’s unwilling to address professionally. Friends use each other to clear, not to have the same problem the next day. It invalidates you for her to supposedly clear with you and you not produce the outcome you both say you want. There are undesirable consequences for consistently dumping energy-sapping considerations in another’s space. Remember, considerations cover up the truth of what she is unhappy about. For certain she is incomplete with her parents.
Lastly, you can’t all of a sudden learn how to inspire her. You don’t, and that’s your problem.
Lest you feel badly, you’re doing fine. You’re learning what you’re supposed to be learning and life is working as it does.
Please print out our Message Board coms, not your clearings, and show them to her. else it's talking behind her back.