how can i help a friend in an abusive realationship

[Angelic18]

i have a good friend that i care deeply for. However I think no let me rephrase that i know she is in an abusive relationship. I am very concerned about her as well as her 20 month old son, that resides in the house with her an her boyfriend not her sons father. THis guy doesnt allow her to leave with out him to go anywhere because he tells her that he beleives if someone wants to be with someone that they do not need any time alone at all. meaning her going to fill out a job application she should not even be allowed to do with out himbeing with her. Now that was the first thing that opend my eyes. As well as ever since he has came in her life she has taken him in to her house supported, feed, clothed an shelterd him ever since they started dating in september of 2003. he has not had a job at all doesn't even have his driver license an drives her car alone with just a permit an doesn't care what she says. She had recently moved to a new area where he an her live an doesn't have anyone but me close to her. I am about 30 minutes away an her family an a few friends are at least an hour away. This scares me when she tells him he needs to go some where for a few days to get his mind striaght ebcause she doesnt want to ut up with it he refuses to go anywhere an crys to her aobut how much he loves her. I am very scared because today things got very bad she had called me early am an told me that someone had called her house that she didnt recognize the number so she decidid to call them back an see if it was someone she knew. AS she called them back her boyfriend took the phone out of her hand an cursed out the person on the other end of the line telling them to never F****n call the house again and hung up on them. She became veery up set because she thought she knew the voice of the person that called an her boyfriend had just hung up on that person. She told me then she told him that he needed to elave for a few days an he refused telling her that his mother was going on vactation with his family including his uncle, an he had no where to stay. She said oh well you need to find somewhere then because you are becomibng rediculous. So he was outside on the phone (cell phoine) with his mother an my friend heard him because she had went outside to have a ciggeret. He told his mother if my friend asks to tell her that she was going on vacation an he couldnt stay there. So then my friend called his uncle from inside on their house phone an asjked if he was going away an he said he was but that not my friend boyfriends mother an family. So then my friends boyfriend came in grabeed the phone an hung it up on her. Now before i was talking tp her an she said that she told him he needs to elave he came in the house smoking a ciggerete when there is no smoking in the house due to the baby blew smoke in her face an said how are you planning on getting me to elave... now i am waiting for her to call me back an i am very worried .. what can i do to get my friend to leave him,a nd how can i helop her an her son. I care about them very much but he plays with her mind an gets her to feel like she is at wrong. e mail me at xxxxx or post a response here thank u very much. n n Note: Email address xxxxx removed by admin for privacy concerns.

[Kerry]

Hi Charity:n n The bottom-line answer to your question: “How can i help a friend in an abusive realationship?” [sic] is, you can’t, not with your present communication skills. However, that’s not a very satisfying answer. It’s not what you thought you wanted/needed to hear.n n Your friend is mirroring you and your communication-leadership skills. Although you believed you were asking the question for her, in truth you were asking it for you. Put another way; the advice you have for her, stay away from him, you need some therapy, is precisely the advice you need to hear and take in your relationship with her. However, advice won't work. You need to discover the solution on your own.n n You’ll notice that you have other abusive relationships in your life (see the definition of abuse). If I were to spend time with you and your parents, during a three-hour coaching session, I could point out a dozen instances in which you and they communicate abusively. The problem is that you have become so used to it, immune is the word that comes to mind, that you can no longer see/hear it. How can I be so sure about you? It has to do with the fact that people who have completed their experience of abuse do not attract, nor hang out with, others (your friend) who are addicted to abuse. It has to do with choice. For example: "What shall I do (create) today? I know, I'll listen to (create) someone blaming her husband for the abuse in her relationship, that should bring me down." A person who is whole and complete, one who is committed to life, does not choose to submit themselves to abuse. Each minute of each hour we have a choice. Addicts have lost their ability to choose.n n "Completed" here means that they have been there and done that, and, they can be trusted daily to choose to have an abuse-free life. They have found a way, they have created a communication model, that includes acknowledging each and every abusive communication. Not one goes by unacknowledged and therefore each incident is completed. When incidents are communicated through to mutual satisfaction, none build up. Anger about burnt toast is simply anger about burnt toast, and it's over, gone, completed, disappeared in a few seconds.n n For example: “That didn’t feel good.” “I got that. Thanks.” Not, “That was abusive.” (this is a make-wrong) “I wasn’t being abusive, (this is an invalidating argument) I was just trying to explain…. Boy, do you need therapy!” (this is a condescending blaming put-down). If on the first date someone is abusive that needs to be completed through to mutual satisfaction.n n The test for abuse is the recipient's experience, no matter what the “sender” believes. If it doesn't feel good then it's abusive. The problem is that most recipients of abuse have grown up being put down, invalidated, and condescended to, and therefore they can no longer hear it. Worse yet, a person addicted to abuse requires their daily fix. Yes, they require abuse. They actually unconsciously intentionally find an equally sick person and trigger his/her sickness with their own sickness. There no exceptions to this phenomenon.n n The word “recipient” is inaccurate; however, I use it here because that's the communication model most of us grew up with. You see your friend as the victim rather than the cause of the abuse you participate in. This is called bias. In truth it's a co-creation of yours, each playing his/her essential role. The wisdom of Solomon was that he could not only see how both caused it, he could guide both in seeing how they each caused it—therefore the decision (who paid what to whom) was always just.n n Depending upon how powerful you’re willing to be, the word “participate” is also inaccurate. Because you have ostensibly reached out for a friend it indicates that you are willing to be the leader, and so it can be said that this is the result your leadership-communication model is producing/creating. It’s a "tree in the forest" kind of thing. We assume trees make noises when they fall and no human is around to hear the noise, but we don’t know for sure. What we do know for sure is that you will not be able to eliminate yourself as the key enabler in her relationship until you extract yourself completely from the dynamic. Put another way, all people stuck in abuse, who honestly see themselves as the victim, require one or more people (friends, in this case, you) to agree with them (it’s called enabling) that it’s their partner who is the more abusive. A person who has completed his/her experience of abuse knows with certainty that they create, cause, intend (however unconscious they may have been at first), all abuse in their relationships. That’s why they no longer attract (hang around with) friends who are stuck in abuse. To do so is to choose to live in a drama-filled “Soap Opera.” n n You have created her to use you as a dumping ground. It is abusive to you (your spirit, your very health) for her to dump problems she is not willing to solve with finality in your space. Friends share problems and resolve them. In this way both feel valued. She is intentionally (albeit unconsciously) not resolving her problem so as to communicate her disrespect of you. No friend would put up with (support/reward with his/her presence) such suicidal behavior. What's worse, you can't see the abuse between you and her, you're as addicted to the abuse, to the drama, as she is. n n She cannot begin to heal with you in her life. She won’t seek effective counseling until she has driven all friends out of her life. That is to say, you have been counseling her, just ineffectively, in a way that perpetuates the problem.n n So, to answer your question; to ensure that it is not you who are addicted to enabling and to abuse, you need to extract yourself from that relationship. Quite often people who are addicted to abuse become helpers so that they don’t have to work on their own stuff. Send her a letter communicating that you don’t want to interact with her (at all) until she can tell you that she has not been in communication with him (and her parents) for six months in a row. And, that she has completed 25 hours of individual therapy, or counselling. If after six months she’s still with him, that he also has completed the same amount of individual therapy. Once you present her with this supportive ultimatum, you’ll notice that she has no choice but to ignore it, (to refuse your friendship and support), such is her addiction. This will reveal that you simply don’t have the communication skills to inspire her to opt for an abuse-free life. I know this sounds beyond tough love, yet we do it daily with people/children starving elsewhere. The best we can do is work on ourselves so as to improve our communication skills. Helping merely creates dependency.n n Re: “and her parents.” Read the Community Support Group Project —it explains why the majority of parolees who return to interacting with their families/friends end up back in prison. It’s the communication-leadership model of their social group that supported him/her in not going straight to begin with. Parents/friends, because they also have not undergone rehabilitation, unconsciously undo all the rehabilitation efforts of the prison staff—this happens within a single conversation upon being released from prison, such is the power of imprinting. In other words, for her to heal, her parents will have to undergo an equal amount of therapy, that, or she will have to decide to not interact with them for life.n n Telling her to leave an abusive relationship is pretty much like when your hypocritical parents told you not to lie, badmouth others, or to not do drugs. The same advice (support) communicated by a person of integrity is gotten and acted upon, out of respect. Your advice, desires, and wishes for her come from hypocrisy and therefore communication can’t take place. Were you yourself living an abuse-free life she’d get it, she’d want to be and live like you.n n Please acknowledge yourself. Of the billions of people on the planet who daily see their friends being abusive to each other, very very few seek professional advice asking what they can do to help. Most think about taking some step or action but end up doing more of the same, which produces more of the same results. In truth they don’t want to look at their responsibility (cause) in the matter. Reaching out as you have is proof positive that you are well on the path towards a life of service and enlightenment. Extending your self as you have will reap you tenfold. The reward for your service (this compassionate letter) to your friend is that you now have the opportunity to cut down the amount of time you hang out in abuse.n n Please do not post again until you can tell me you have not interacted with her for six months in a row. To chose to interact with her another 24 hours reveals your own addiction to abuse and your intention to keeping her stuck, and to needing equally as much therapy. You can no longer say that you didn’t know she mirrors you. The hurt and pain you must be willing to choose to experience, from the seeming loss of her friendship, for setting the relationship with her on the back burner, perhaps forever, (we just don’t know if she will ever choose to heal) is the exact same pain she must be willing to experience to heal herself. It’s up to you to lead the way. n n Thanks so much for reaching out.n n With aloha,n n Kerryn n PS. Your use of "i" gets in the way of what you are communicating. It dilutes the importance of the content. It communicates less-than-respect. Also, get yourself a spell-checker. n n PPS. If you find this reply to be of value please make a donation, it will both anchor in (acknowledge) the value to be gotten from my reply and support us in serving others.