Parents and sons addicted to abusing each other

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Parents and sons addicted to abusing each other

Postby Kerry » Thu Sep 11, 2008 11:42 pm

Message Type: Information Request
First Name: RACHEL
User Email: removed for privacy
Information Request: Yes
Remote Name: Remote User:
Date: 12 Sep 2008
Time: 00:06:37


We are so called model family. I am mother and my relationship with father has recently been called ideal. However boys 18/19 persist with selfish lazy greedy partners, who isolate and undermine them. Can you help?

Hi Rachel,

Re: "Can you help?" Yes and no. It is possible, but unlikely, that you alone could effect a transformation. I say unlikely because you’d have to be willing to recess yourself from your entire family including your parents. Your leadership communication model (how you communicate) produced this result. You've programmed your sons to treat you this way. Your sons can’t change except that you do. Even then we can’t be certain they both would like or want to be like the new actualized you. For one, you would no longer accept abuse. They'd be clear that if they wanted to relate and communicate with you that they'd need to relate with women whom they know you would like. Dumping "selfish lazy greedy partners" in your space is disrespectful.

What’s sad is they have no choice whatsoever but to attract the types of girls they attract. Both are unconsciously dramatizing a lifetime collection of communications with you that are incomplete for them. It could be said they are intent on ruining their lives so as to inspire you to heal. At some level they know it hurts you, that it invalidates you, for them to date such women but it’s the only way they have left to communicate that something is wrong. It could be said they are punishing you for…. They refuse to date actualized women because they don’t want you to think you did a good job of raising them. It’s possible, though they couldn’t admit it now, that they might even be ashamed to bring home actualized (conscious) young women. In truth they are missing the social graces to attract supportive successful young women. They have collected too many experiences that prove they are not deserving. In short, their integrities are out—too many unacknowledged withholds and perpetrations.

I’d recommend that you do the Spouse Abuse Tutorial but you are not eligible because you are living with a husband who empowers your sons to treat you abusively. You, just standing silently in the kitchen not saying anything, triggers unconscious disrespect.

What you’re dealing with is covert unconscious disrespect. In a family in which there is respect sons know their job is to bring into the clan women who will enhance and contribute to the family; it’s how a child communicates honor, love, and respect.

Even if your husband enrolled in therapy/counseling with you it would not bring about the transformation required to create space for your sons to choose to do what works. All of you are addicted to abuse, to abusing and being abused. In this matter you are the leader, none can heal with you in their lives with your present leadership-communication model. They can make promises to change but they can’t keep those promises, such is their addiction.

My advice: Kick them out and tell them you won't talk to them ever again until they have successfully completed a tour in the military. Service produces miracles, however, you'd have to undergo intensive therapy/coaching at the same time else the first conversation with you upon their return after 3-4 years would undo all the changes. As I said at the beginning, it's unlikely you will or can do what it takes to effect a transformation, ergo you are destined for more of the same, a lifetime of disappointments and abuse.

On the bright side, it appears they are not addicted to a life of crime and for that you are to be acknowledged.

Do show everyone our communications.

With aloha,


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