clearing/validity

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GGioia

clearing/validity

Postby GGioia » Sat Jun 28, 2008 3:58 am

In spite of all the personal revolution and awareness I have accomplished to date, at 48, I still struggle with authenticity and validity. I was adopted as an infant. I was forbidden to ask any questions about this. I was instructed never to talk about it to anyone. I was told that if I spoke of it I wouldn't be liked and my friends' parents would not let them play with me. It was the big dark shameful secret I was to lie about "or else". When ever I felt the need to know something about my "origin" I was met with tears and rage and threats from my adoptive parents.
I think the problem is that the very foundation of my life which should have been a source of truth was never allowed for me. In fact, the message I got was this: that very assumed truth, for me, was instead an act of shame and fear. Somehow, we all "agreed" that I was shame itself. Because of being threatened with chaos and anger, just for wanting to know who I am, I somehow learned that my source was the equivalent of Pandora's box and that my "me" in turn was the unthinkable. The part that I feel the most pain over is that I had to lie to be "acceptable" and this has ingrained the validity and authenticity issues.
That being said, I do get it, but emotionally I am still struggling with this. For this reason, I may be the most integral person going .
In the past,when I discovered that I was lied to, I would feel intense anger deep inside until I realized that it was triggering all the old injustices.
Still, after many accomplishments and a truly joyful outlook as my true nature, I struggle with the authenticity and validity issues. How do I give myself believable permission to BE, without feeling there is something to be ashamed of. I hide so much of myself just because I have no idea it is ok just to be me.
What do I do?

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Kerry
Posts: 429
Joined: Sat Aug 31, 2002 8:01 pm

Re: clearing/validity

Postby Kerry » Sat Jun 28, 2008 11:00 am

Hi GGioia,

Thank you for posting.

I too was adopted and no doubt have issues I'm unaware of. In fact, the two women (nurses) that adopted me later returned me to the orphanage system where I bounced in and out of homes and orphanages till age 18. Strangely this unusual childhood worked extremely well for me, I have a unique perspective of families and relationships and life that allows me to see things that most can't. I attribute my sense of self and awareness to the fact that I used my adoption status as an attention/sympathy getter. It worked. I've told the story so many times that there are no more charges or emotions attached to it. I still believe letting certain others, potential close friends, know my amazing childhood, gives them a context in which to relate with me. "I'm different, expect different things."

Re: "How do I give myself believable permission to BE, without feeling there is something to be ashamed of." Asking the question and granting yourself permission, as simple as it seems, is all it takes. You might begin with asking yourself, "What considerations (what thoughts come up) that would cause the permission granting to not work? Is there something about me, even something I've done or not done, that isn't ready for permission?" This is tricky because if your mind is hiding something from you then asking yourself might not produce the answer, the consideration you live by that serves as a barrier to being whole and complete.

Re: "I hide so much of myself just because I have no idea it is ok just to be me." One thing that keeps us incomplete is life's unacknowledged perpetrations (incompletes) I'm referring here to the hundreds of thousands of lies you've told of which you are unaware and so you can't acknowledged them. I'm referring to the lie "because." Unconscious as it may be all lies and all truths have consequences. In this case your because is not the truth. It's simply one of zillions of considerations/reasons. The truth, although it won't do you any good because the mind doesn't like answers to koans, is "I hide myself because I hide myself." You're truth is probably, "I don't know why I hide myself. I've got all sorts of reasons but obviously none are the truth because when I tell the truth, the bottom line as to why I've been hiding myself, my behaviors doesn't change. There's no ahaa. That is to say, when you tel the truth as to why you have been hiding yourself the problem will disappear.

I strongly recommend that you do The Clearing Process —one per day for five days in a row (it's free). The truth is hiding underneath all of your considerations.

Re: "What do I do?" You're doing it. All it takes is conversations as we are doing. Keep conversing until you are complete. There are thousands of conversations that all children were supposed to have when growing up, in support of clarity and being whole and complete, that they have yet to have so you're not alone in this quest.

With aloha,

Kerry

P.S. Keep checking back as I'll no doubt add more.

GGioia

Re: clearing/validity

Postby GGioia » Sat Jun 28, 2008 11:42 am

Kerry,

I feel the truth of your words and I have even experienced that feeling. Thank you for reminding me of that "space" and for reminding me to stay diligent. It's like a balance scale: the triggers pile on when I am not keeping watch and unless I remember to put The Truth on the other side, it tips and I go downwards as well. I have to keep remembering that I do not have to believe those lies and my lies. That is so very empowering. When I do this I know in my gut it is the true way, because I can feel the Love of the Universe applauding and hugging me for it, with no resistance. I have forgotten that I too, need to do daily work.

Here is an interesting thing: When I read your words asking why I wouldn't give myself permission to be, my eyes still welled up. That is a deep pain that is unhealed. The damage was deep. I will take your words to heart, and strive to make them my truth.

Thank you so much for your beautiful insight, this is really helpful.

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Kerry
Posts: 429
Joined: Sat Aug 31, 2002 8:01 pm

Re: clearing/validity

Postby Kerry » Sat Jun 28, 2008 3:36 pm

Hi GGioia

Thank you for sharing your experience of sadness.

Re: “...and for reminding me to stay diligent.” Amazing what get’s gotten. On the contrary, a person who is "diligent," one with a picture of the right way to be, can’t be trusted to communicate openly, honestly, and spontaneously. They really do look like a diligent person, as opposed to being vigilant at times, upset, at times, happy, at times angry etc., up and down the scale of emotions all day long never stuck in one place. There ain't no right way or way you should be. Even stuck in diligence is necessary at times.

Re: “It's like a balance scale: the triggers pile on when I am not keeping watch and unless I remember to put The Truth on the other side,” That you think you have to remember to tell the truth, that we're even discussing truth, indicates that your integrity* is out. When you’re integrity is in any less-than-satisfying outcome automatically begs to be completed so as to recreate the experience of integrity. Talking about what “it’s like,” rather than what it is, guarantees you’ll be saying the same stuff next year.

Re: “I do not have to believe those lies and my lies.” Actually, they aren’t lies. It’s the resistance to a lie being true that keeps it around, keeping its charge. If you’re willing to look at the possibility that it’s all true and not true, then you can start looking at why you would create such drama. There’s a genius working here; it won’t work to invalidate your creations, what you call lies.

Re: “I have forgotten that I too, need to do daily work.” Here’s another example of you living from a decision, as though it’s something you have to do to get better. Not to worry, the times you are not doing “daily work” are absolutely essential to the process, to the experience of growth and worth, of moving forward. Again, all aspects of your creation are essential steps, all the truths all the lies.

Re: “"Big Island Forum: SMF Database Error!" Thanks for letting me know. It’s a programming error on my part. (Note: it has been fixed)

With aloha,

Kerry

*Please do the recommended clearings before you reply again; to me it's a communication that you're not just talking to talk but that you're intent on being whole and complete, that you are supportable.


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