In spite of all the personal revolution and awareness I have accomplished to date, at 48, I still struggle with authenticity and validity. I was adopted as an infant. I was forbidden to ask any questions about this. I was instructed never to talk about it to anyone. I was told that if I spoke of it I wouldn't be liked and my friends' parents would not let them play with me. It was the big dark shameful secret I was to lie about "or else". When ever I felt the need to know something about my "origin" I was met with tears and rage and threats from my adoptive parents.
I think the problem is that the very foundation of my life which should have been a source of truth was never allowed for me. In fact, the message I got was this: that very assumed truth, for me, was instead an act of shame and fear. Somehow, we all "agreed" that I was shame itself. Because of being threatened with chaos and anger, just for wanting to know who I am, I somehow learned that my source was the equivalent of Pandora's box and that my "me" in turn was the unthinkable. The part that I feel the most pain over is that I had to lie to be "acceptable" and this has ingrained the validity and authenticity issues.
That being said, I do get it, but emotionally I am still struggling with this. For this reason, I may be the most integral person going .
In the past,when I discovered that I was lied to, I would feel intense anger deep inside until I realized that it was triggering all the old injustices.
Still, after many accomplishments and a truly joyful outlook as my true nature, I struggle with the authenticity and validity issues. How do I give myself believable permission to BE, without feeling there is something to be ashamed of. I hide so much of myself just because I have no idea it is ok just to be me.
What do I do?