Bothered by my dysfunctional family

[Lisa]

Hello,n n I'm very concerned about my parents and my 40 year old brother, who still lives with them. I do not live with them, and not for many years now. I am married with my own family. But I do visit with them and because of the way they continue to live, I don't really enjoy our visits, as I feel disgusted with them. But, in the name of peace, I have to hold this all inside, which I think is taking its toll on me. n n Although my brother is financially independent and voluntarily contributes to their household expenses, he is still very dependent on them in every other way, and shows no goals of ever leaving them. He has no social life and has not dated since high school. He quit his job over 3 years ago and has been living off of his savings while continuing to pay them rent. He spends most of his time at their house watching t.v. He is only now seeking work again since his money is starting to run low.n n Although he is basically kind to them, and to me, my husband & our children, he often gets very cranky (due to his own lack of a life) and nit-picks at our mother a lot. I know it bothers her, but she just puts up with it or hides away from him by locking herself in their basement rec-room. I know my mom is sick of always having him around and would like free run of her house, but she can not bring herself to directly ask him to leave. The closest she has ever come, is to sometimes say "when is it going to be my turn?" to which my brother does not respond, but just looks embarrassed. So I'm sure he knows what she means by that. She says at this point she will just be happy when he gets a job and is atleast out of the house for those hours. I tell her that he needs more than just a job, he needs a life! But then she get very defensive, as she has since we were children. My dad seems to be in denial. n n My brother seems to suffer from low self esteem, fear of failure, fear of change and possible OCD, as he has odd counting routines, rigid schedules and an odd fear of bones being broken. He will not answer the door or speak on the phone. But he has never been diagnosed as he refuses to seek treatment. This all started in his late teens/early 20's. But my parents have always treated him as the "favorite" child. I don't know why, but he was. I was the family scapegoat until I moved out at age 21. Since then, and especially since I became a mother, I am no longer the family scapegoat. They eventually apologized to me and my mother told me that she was the scapegoat in her family as well, with certain children being the favored ones. She still talks of this hurt and yet she repeated the very same thing in her family? n n But anyway, back to my brother now. My parents enable him by going along with all of his odd routines and my arthritic mom continues to wait on him hand and foot, even though I know she would prefer not to have to do so much anymore. But she must downplay her arthritis, as it upsets my brother too much (part of his OCD?). My parents say they can not insist that he seek help, although my mom atleast admits that it would be good for him. She says that it must be his decision, though. But why should he, when they make it so easy for him to remain this way? Dad just jokes about his sons "quirks". n n To complicate matters, my dad has a gambling problem that he refuses to admit, much less treat. More denial. Because of this, and combined with my mother not ever learning to drive, they no longer have a car. So, for the past few years they have been relying on my brother to drive them. (I live 100 miles away) My dad still has his license, but doesn't bother buying another car since my brother is around to drive them, allowing him more gambling money to spend, I suppose. So this seems to give my brother a position of power over my parents and he seems to be "in charge", deciding what time he will take them shopping or visiting me and their grandchildren. He also decides the amount of rent money (a generous amount) to contribute and on what exact day and time he will pay them, which he sets in stone. He makes my mom count it out a certain number of times. He also offers her what he calls "bonus money" for when she will agree to do something special for him, like fix his favorite meal. She then just gushes about how generous her son it. Yuck! n n I find their mutual dependence on one another very unhealthy for all of them, but whenever I say anything, they get very angry and defensive. They remind how generous my brother is. I am sad that my brother does not want more out of life. I am sad that my mom has resorted to hiding away in her basement to avoid my brothers constant presence. I am sad that my dad is in denial over his gambling, my mom's possible depression and my brothers problems. But they all refuse to change or to seek any help and so nothing ever changes. But none of them seem happy, how could they be? n n I hate that my children have to anxiously wait hours and hours for them to arrive at our house, as my parents are always very late to their bithday parties or my holiday get togethers. They tell me they just always hit tons & tons of traffic and would never admit that it has anything to do with my brother and his rigid schedule that he sets as to when they will leave. I don't think he does it to be cruel, it is just one of his compulsions. I also think that he wants to spend most of Christmas day alone with our parents, opening gifts, like a child. Part of his fear of change, I suppose. I don't have proof, but I am pretty sure that this is why. But even if I did have proof that their continued lateness is because of my brother, I still can't force them to buy their own car and come when I ask. n n After years of trying to talk to all of them and getting outright denial from my dad, shrug of his shoulders from my brother, and either crying or accused of "taking out my troubles on my brother" and eventually getting hung up on by my mom, I have learned to be quiet, just to keep the peace. But I am finding our visits to be so depressing and I am tired of pretending that everying is normal, when it is not. My children don't understand any of this yet, and really enjoy their visits, so I don't want to deny my children their grandparents, who are very kind and loving to them. But, I don't want to be part of the enabling that is going on by remaining quiet, either. But I get shot down everytime I speak up.n n Ofcourse I, like everyone else, have problems too, but does this mean that my focus on their situation is only so I can avoid dealing with my own problems? I really do feel effected by them, though, as they are my family. They are my children's family. If I can't do anything to help them to want help for themselves, how can I atleast get detached, so I won't be so bothered by their arrangement? I want to be happy and spontaneous, and not be effected by them anymore. But I just don't see how I can be that free or unbothered when I am around them. n n Thank you so much for reading this.

[Kerry]

Hi Lisa: Thank you for reaching out. You have done a commendable job of describing what bothers you. I’m not clear why you chose to post here. I say this because it does not appear that you have read any of our tutorial descriptions or our Dear Gabby letters. Would you please explain what prompted you to post here? n n I’m more than willing to reply appropriately, in part because you agreed to the Message Center Rules requesting candid (read “tough love”) feedback, however, if you browse our sites you’ll see that we support communicating from responsibility. Your post is a classic example of what’s referred to as the Adversarial Communication Model. In lay terms others might judge you to be stuck, both as an enabler and as a victim. n n You can get some sense of just how addicted you are to enabling by entertaining the thought of sending a separate copy of your post to your mother, father, and brother. I don’t recommend that you do this, because it would only produce more of the same. There is another communication model called Intentional Communications, a.k.a. Mutually Satisfying Communications; it’s only for those who are ready (read - have no choice) for a transformation. This model is not something a married person can easily put into practice because it is characterized by open, honest, and spontaneous communication—zero thoughts withheld—just the opposite of your model. That is to say, you and all with whom you relate (especially your family members) have an implied (nonverbal) agreement to withhold certain thoughts from each other. None of this stuff that’s bothering you builds up for long between people who communicate intentionally. Withheld thoughts show up on the face of one committed to being whole and complete. It’s called being in integrity. Also, this model requires that you formulate the intention for others to feel good upon completion of you delivering all your considerations, judgments, upsets, and withholds. It requires a considerable commitment to Life Coaching Services. However, you can’t produce the results you say you want from here. To transform the results you’ve been producing you’d have to be willing to not have an interactive relationship with everyone, most likely even your husband. You would have to find a whole new set of friends, having as your new criteria, people who also communicate responsibly.n n For this reply to be of value to you you have to be willing to look and see that you are the leader, that you always have been, and you always will be, the leader in your family. The effects of your communication-leadership-skills has been to cause these undesirable results. They have been produced unconsciously. To produce such results you have to create/attract and hang around people who are also unconscious. It could be said they are waiting for you to take charge and support them in getting out of this energy-sapping rut. Or, that they are suicidal and absolutely committed to dying this way—in which case your task is to support them in doing so by getting out of the way. That, or stop lying, saying that you want everyone’s life around you to work as you know it can. Your responsibility is to find out the truth. If your integrity is in it’s possible to create that they intend to awake along with you.n n The best you can do is transform your experience of what’s happening around you. This means that you have to intend that your brother and everyone continues doing what they do, being the way they be, etc. Give up trying to change them. It has to become your idea. Not that you encourage it but that you intend that it rains when it rains. The way to transform your experience is to commit yourself to about 50 hours of therapy/counseling (I say “commit” because halfway through you will definitely want to quit, your mind does not want to acknowledge some things). In doing so you’ll get to discover who you are and are not, and, you’ll uncover your compassion. You’ll discover just how difficult it will be for all three of them to commit to their own transformation. Your brother is as addicted to his behavior as is an alcoholic. For him to even begin healing your parents must throw him out, they too are enablers. Put another way, you need exactly as much therapy as do each of them. Your addiction is such that just when you should not take a drink (for you, your alcohol will be to not engage in a conversation with any of them, not even a sip) you will be driven (you’ll have no choice whatsoever) to engage with them, which will of course reward their addiction. n n Another option is to leave the city. Here in Hawaii, thousands of former mainlanders love their parents, but, they just had to get away from the more-of-the-same communication model. The Adversarial Model is what guarantees 40% recidivism amongst parolees. To send a parolee back into their family/community whose communication model supported him/her in not going straight merely triggers old behaviors. You have the same problem. Your parents have trained you to be an uninspiring leader. As such every conversation with them reinforces that model. Notice that I did not say an ineffectual leader. You are awesomely effective, in causing loved ones to opt for mediocrity. Notice that you are modeling for your children how to create and put up with things. It is you who are enabling your parents. Yes? n n So, let’s get real. What can you do today that will produce desirable results? There are three things: n n First: You have to be willing to create and tell a huge lie, and retell it so often that you eventually can see the truth in it—the lie being, that for some, as yet unknown, reason, you have been intending for things to be this way, —that there is a genius at work here and that you are just on the threshold of creating your purpose is in life is, —that you had to produce these results so that you could discover just how powerful you are. You are confronting your self-righteousness, your judgementalness, of their behaviors. In the enlightenment game it’s called coming up against the wall of fire. The majority back off and succumb to mediocrity. Why? Because to go through the wall, you have to be willing to experience aloneness. The pain is awesome, and, if truth be told you still have to mow your own lawn. The benefits are equally awesome—relationships are exactly as you say you want, and you’ll find yourself producing desirable results more and more. Oh yes, and you’ll discover yourself getting clear about agreements and therefore you’ll discover how to create agreements and therefore it will look as though more people keep their agreement with you.n n Second: Read about the following, going as far as your mind will allow. The Spouse Abuse Tutorial , Reunion Conversations , About Lies and Lying and about a dozen Dear Gabby letters. In doing so you’ll identify your barriers to mutually satisfying communications.n n Third: Show your parents and brother our communications—not that it will change anything but that it will complete your badmouthing experience and withholds with them.n n Thank you for your post. Many will see themselves.n n With aloha, Kerry