why don't the abused leave their spouses.

[wendy]

I'm a 56-yr-old female trying to help a very confused 35-yr-old mother and an estranged,troubled 18-yr-old daughter.n n The mother and I are composing a letter to her daughter whom has spent most of her life in foster homes. The mother left the children and the abusive father when the daughter was 6 years old. The mother never completed high school and her spelling and grammar tends to make her look a little illiterate. However, she is a reasonably intelligent, hard-working women whom is now happily married.n n The daughter was brought up by reasonably wealthy foster parents whom could afford to send her to a private school. The mother met the daughter for the first time nearly one year ago. n n The daughter is now 18 years old and is seriously rebelling. I’d say she is on the fast track to heavy drug abuse and serious legal problems. The mother realizes this and is not willing to take on a young woman that steals, sells her body and does drugs. The daughter is now living in a flat (with no electricity) and is about to be evicted. The mother won’t contribute to the rent because she is fully aware that the reason the girl can’t pay the rent is because she hasn’t worked for three months; instead she stays home and does drugs. So the daughter is sort-of blackmailing the mother with comments like “ I won’t have anything more to do with you if you don’t love me enough to give me money”. n n I am in the process of helping the mother compose a letter to the daughter. In this letter we are hoping to give the daughter an compassionate explanation why the mother left her with her father when she was only 6 yrs old.n n The mother was only 15 years old when she left home to live with their 17 year old father. She told me the reason she left home so early was because her foster father was molesting her eldest sister and she knew that she was next on the list. n n In the three years she was with boyfriend, they had three children. During their whole relationship, her husband/boyfriend beat her several times. On the serious occasions, the police got involved and convinced her that she should press charges, which she did. He spent time in jail and several restraining orders was placed on him. n n She took the abusive husband back, time and time again. A few occasions, he beat her so badly that she ended up in hospital and on the last occasion she nearly died. He did go to jail ‘again’ and when he got out he found her. She took him back into her life “again” because he threatened her life. But she finally decided to leave him as soon as she could form a plan on how to ‘get-outa-dodge’.n n She finally left him but with only her young baby, she left the 6-yr-old girl and the 5-yr-old boy with him because he is supposed to have told her that she couldn’t have them. At this time the she was only 18 years old with three children. She told me that she did intend to try and find a way back to take the two kids when he wasn’t around. n n After she found a place to live (with an old girlfriend in her hometown) it was only a matter of two months before Social Services took the baby daughter from her because she was out drinking too much. I do believe she started drinking because she was very upset, and feeling extremely guilty about leaving the two older children with their father; and I also think she was enjoying her new freedom. n n The two children were soon taken from the father. They were found in a park (in the snow) with out shoes and the father was drunk. They spent the rest of their childhood in foster homes.n n This story sounds so surreal to me . So back to what this letter is all about. As I said, I’m helping the mother compose a letter to her 18-yr-old daughter. Writing about the beatings to the daughter, in a letter, would probably bring forth the typical question “why did she keep taking him back”.n n My question to you is: What do you feel is the ‘most’ typical reason why women stay in an abusive relationship, and would this reasonably lead to a women abandoning her kids?n n The reason I ask is because I’d like to find the best words to explain to the daughter why the mother left. On the other hand, I don’t want to give the girl false hope, I don’t feel the mother wants the complete responsibility of the daughter as it appears she has become a very difficult 18 year old. But the mother does want to retain communication with her in the hopes that she can help the daughter to change her ways, get a job, leave the drugs alone, and respect her body. And of course the mother hopes that some day they might have a normal mother-daughter relationship. They currently live 12 hours apart.n n One other comment, the 18-year-old girl got pregnant when she was 16, the foster parents “kicked her out”. While still pregnant she was placed in another foster home till she was 18. The last foster parents wanted the baby and I believe they now have legal papers to keep the child. And as I said, the 18 year old is now living in a flat with another girl with no electric and living off drugs.n Sincerely,n Wendy

[Kerry]

Hi Wendy: The short answer, which could upset you, is, there is nothing you can do or say that will bring about a transformation. In the consulting profession it’s a given that "helping" merely postpones, in this case, the mother doing what it takes to heal herself. If you and I intervene it just adds more drama. We are not therapists. The mother needs therapy. Any interaction between us (you) and her will only compound the problem, and delay her commitment to healing herself.n n I’m concerned about your helping. Something about it is not healthy, certainly not for you. Look at the concern (if not anxiety) that this problem is causing you. It’s time in which you could be laughing and giggling. What I do when I run across such a situation is advise the person to complete 50 fifty-minute sessions of therapy and then get back with me. Otherwise I can’t be certain that my own communication model is not a contributing factor. Like a recovering alcoholic, us "helping addicts" need to make healthy choices daily. What I find is that most move on to another enabler to dump the story, the drama on. The point being, that my intuition was right on, they had no intention to heal, only to take as many down with them as they can.n n None of what you wrote describes the source of the problem. It what’s referred to as the story, the drama, the smoke screen to confuse you in giving the advice she does not want to hear. “If you want my support, get therapy. Tomorrow. Don’t contact me again until you have completed 50….”n n A problem persists because there is a lie somewhere. The mother is living a huge lie which will continue reaping undesirable consequences. You are not skilled or conscious enough to have her tell you the truth, so she dumped lies she’s been telling others as to what she honestly believes her problem is, so the problem persists. In this case what you call help keeps her stuck. Quite often helpers focus on other’s problems so they don’t have to acknowledged/address their own. n n Of this we can be certain, she is mirroring you. n n Thanks for reaching out,n n Kerryn n PS. You wrote: “My question to you is: What do you feel is the ‘most’ typical reason why women stay in an abusive relationship, and would this reasonably lead to a women abandoning her kids?” My feelings are simply feelings and are of no value. “Reasons are merely reasons and have nothing to do with the truth, except to hide it. Because you were taught (raised with) the Adversarial Communication Model your mind would either agree with or disagree with whatever I wrote/write. There’s something about your question that’s uncomfortable. I suspect you already know the answer. Some might see your question as a setup. Remember, the purpose of the mind is to be right, it has no choice but to argue.

[wendy]

Thank you for the reply Kerry,n n Your answer does not upset me, I appreciate your help. I hadn’t thought of helping the mother as trying to bring about a transformation. But your comments made me ask myself why I’m doing this. The knee jerk reaction would be: I’m retired, with a lot of time on my hands. The mother asked me to help put a letter together. Maybe I’m looking for a purpose in life. Now I think of it even more, I remember when I was much younger I wanted to become a psychologist. The workings of the mind always fascinated me. Perhaps I should add that my birth sign is Cancer, I tell you that with a smile: but please don’t take that too seriously.n n Yes, of course I do think she does have issues to resolve, and I’m sure counseling would be a huge benefit to her … if she wanted it. If she had received counseling earlier in life she might have found the strength to hang on to her children. Although I feel it would have taken phenomenal fortitude for an 18 year old to bring up three children without any guidance or help from loved ones or friends.n n I certainly don’t want to postpone the mothers healing by helping her. Not that I think she will seek help, probably because she doesn’t realize that she needs it. However, I still believe a good friend can help us get through the rough times and perhaps the trick is knowing how much and what kind of help to provide.n n When she desperately needed some guidance, if she had had a ‘role model’, a good listener, or advisor she might have stopped the vicious circle which is now playing out in her daughters life. I do believe the daughter needs help desperately, so I have added food aid, educational, social services, counseling phone numbers and address to the on-going letter.n n Thank you for your concern about me. Yes you are right, it has caused me some anxiety, and sleepless nights. I’m not complaining just agreeing with your analysis. I’m not likely to withdraw my commitment to write the letter as I did promise I’d help her. My concern now is that this letter will give the young girl hope that her mother will eventually make a sacrifice in order “to show her love”. Deep down, I feel the mother is way too messed up to be much help to the daughter.n n I do have another question: you said “Of this we can be certain, she is mirroring you” . Sorry to be so dim, but could you elaborate.n n I found your comment “ Remember, the purpose of the mind is to be right, it has no choice but to argue” was fascinating, and brought a smile to my face.n n Thanks again Kerry,n Sincerely,n Wendyn ADDRESS DELETED BY ADMINn n <small>[ October 20, 2003, 03:15: Message edited by: Kerry ]</small>

[Kerry]

Hi Wendy:n n Your reply did not feel good. Such a communication is abusive. To ask for advice and then arrogantly announce your intention to ignore it is exactly what “mother” has been doing her entire life and will do with you. She is mirroring your own addiction to abuse (see definition of abuse). You are in fact an enabler. Worse yet, you honestly believe that your help will work. It invalidates the entire mental health profession. Not unlike calling the fire department and describing a raging inferno and them telling you exactly what you need to do and you saying, thanks, but, I promised someone I'd put it out myself.n n As long as you continue to do what you call helping, neither of them can begin the healing process. They just haven’t destroyed enough relationships to commit to life. In a dualistic universe, the one you and I operate in, hot/cold, up/down, you and I must intend that there be some that choose to die. Trying to change what’s so is a futile endeavor, and quite frankly, not at all the best use of your powers, except as a learning tool so as to discover what doesn’t work. Our responsibility is to refer such people to therapists and to live life exemplary. This includes giving food or advice freely when approached, but responsibly. “If I give you some food will you go to the mental health clinic today? I’ll call and make the appointment and then call them to ask if you arrived.” “You can mow my lawn or wash my car each day and I will drive you to the clinic each day.” “If I give you bus fare will you…?” “Once you can tell me you have been drug and alcohol-free for six months in a row I will loan you ½ the tuition. etc.” n n Re: “I do believe the daughter needs help desperately, so I have added food aid, educational, social services, counseling phone numbers and address to the on-going letter.” This advice assures, with absolute certainty, that she will be dependent upon others and virtually in the same mess six months or a year from now, only bumming from another sucker (whom she cannot respect because they bought into her con). Hunger and cold are excellent motivators, or, terminators. To serve another you must be willing to not be attached to outcomes, relationships, or life.n n Your “promise” to help can be fulfilled exactly as I advised, “Dear ___, Get therapy, … etc.” n n Wendy, please do not write or post again until you can tell me that you have not related with either of those two for six months in a row. To continue relating with them reveals that you need as much therapy as do they. I need to know that you are committed to relating with healthy people, or, ideally, that you have enrolled yourself in doing what it takes to be a professional caregiver (which includes mastering communicating supportively). The difference between helping and supporting is that support works.n n Again, thank you for reaching out. Compassion works; just short of compassion—just before one becomes compassionate, when they are stuck doing their imitation of compassion—enables and rewards.n n If you find our conversation to have been of value please consider a donation .n n With aloha,n n Kerryn n PS. I removed your e-mail address from the body of your post. Bottom feeder spammers have special software that looks for such.

[wendy]

I'm sorry Kelly, my reply did sound arrogant and it was not my intention. You have given me lot to think about. Your last reply was much more clear to me and I will follow most of your advice. Thank you, sincerely, Wendy

[Kerry]

Wendy: When someone asks you to not communicate with them (specifically the way you have been trained, using your abusive communication model) and you do, it’s tantamount to date rape. n n You communicated:n n

Yah, Kerry, I know you don’t want to hear from me again but tough luck. What I have to say is more important than what you want. n

Part of your abuse pattern is to get in the last word so that you can feel good. Your “nice act” is to tack on a “Thank you, sincerely” at the end of your abuse. Here, let me abuse you, oh, and thank you sincerely. Much the same as a hitter will say, "I'm sorry."n n It’s not by accident that you spelled my name (“Kelly”) wrong. That’s your integrity letting you know that you were unconscious (in a knee-jerk reaction mode) when you wrote your post. n n Your use of the word “more” as in “much more” is more of the same. It is invalidating. It doesn’t feel good. “I got all except…” or, “Thanks I got it all." Or “I agree with all except…” To not be specific as to what you aren’t clear about is controlling. It keeps another incomplete, wondering. It reveals your commitment to being incomplete and to not supporting others in being complete in their relationship with you. n n Your use of the word “most” is also invalidating. It’s part of your addiction to arguing, to wanting to be right. You expect another to allow you to support them yet you resist being supported. Again, leaving out what you don’t agree with was controlling.n n Lastly, you lie when you say it was not your intention. How do we know? We know by the results. Conscious or not both replies are abusive. The test, of how you come across to another, is to ask. To covertly argue with them invalidates their experience. It doesn’t work to listen to your own mind, the one that created the abuse.n n Your words, “Thank you sincerely” communicate that you did in fact get value, yet they were not followed with my suggestion, that you would be making a donation. Value received without in-kind acknowledgment invalidates the words “Thank you sincerely,” and, it doesn’t allow you to optimize what you got. The truth is you got so much through your interactions with me that it will effect you for life. That’s the power of communication.n n To support you in being with my communication, as opposed to posting another unconscious abusive knee-jerk reply, I have banned you from posting for a period of six months, when then, if you wish, you can begin by telling me that you have not been in communication with either of the women for six months in a row.n n With aloha,n n Kerry