Need Advice

[sgrv]

Hi rvsg: n n I moved your post from the Message Drop to the Message Board. This is the forum/board we use for questions and answers. I'll have a reply for you in about 12 hours.n n Kerryn n Hi,n n I am from Singapore. I have married my wife one year before. I Know her that she had an affair before my marrige and failed. she only refused and didnot accept it at the end. she was loving a guy from india for 4 years. Finally she refused him to marry, I think she has realized his bad character. Then She started loving me and still she is in love with me.We know the story whatever happened before the marriage for her. But we cannot forget in that easily. She had sex with that guy. She herself told me. So I appreciated her truthfulness and I started loving her. n n Can she involve sex with me completely with emotionally, physically and mentally.n n Please adivce me.n Thanksn n This is sample of edit of upgraden n <small>[ October 21, 2003, 08:31: Message edited by: Kerry ]</small>

[Kerry]

Hi rvsg:n n Here in America it has become the norm for the majority of both sexes to have had sex with someone before they met their spouse. I’m not sure whether this is a good or bad thing but I do know, based upon my own experience of 65 years, and three wives, and many wonderful intimate relationships, that when I’m experiencing love with a woman, there is no other, and I have not found myself concerned about her past sex life. None of the others count or exist except that they all have contributed to my growth as a person and as a lover. I suspect that our (us American’s) way of relating produces many minor loves rather than one lasting outrageous love. We Americans are all aware of the terrible marriages of our grandparents in which they stayed together because of the kids, or religion. They were, for the most part, throughout each day, grumpy, miserable, and unhealthy (zero joy and aliveness). They accumulated dozens of subjects that were taboo to talk about. No spontaneity.n n It took me a long time to discover that women can handle (and in fact, intimate relationships to be magnificent, require) the truth. I’m referring to my early years when I would be having sex and I’d have the thought that she didn’t give as good oral sex as a previous date. I stuffed this thought based upon a fear that it would hurt her. In truth it was a withhold that became a barrier to the experience of love/intercourse. What I have since discovered is that it works to communicate verbally ALL thoughts, including the biggie, “I want you to know that you are not my #10” Ironically, when I share this huge, potentially devastating, communication, and she gets it and replies, “That’s ok, you’re not my #10 either,” because she can get this shared truth she becomes my #10.n n Am I correct that your wife says the words, “I love you” and “I have forgotten him completely,” and “You are the only one I love,” but that you have a barrier (you find it hard to believe her) to getting her communications? Perhaps I’m misunderstanding you.n n Here are three possibilities. n n 1) She is telling you the truth and because you are the one writing, the one that’s bothered by this, it means that you have a barrier to getting her communications. In lay terms it's called a trust issue.n 2) She is lying and is afraid to tell you the whole truth. This means that no matter what you think, you have not created a safe space for her to tell the truth. n 3) There is a little of both 1 & 2 going on.n n In any case, all can be resolved/disappeared through communication.n n Let’s for an example assume that her first sex partner was a better kisser than you but lousy when it came to climaxes, and, that she has not dared to tell you this. If this is the case then your barrier, to getting her communications of love, and that she is complete about him, is that you are sensing (intuiting) this slight comparison dissatisfaction. She is in fact withholding one or more thoughts for fear of hurting you or upsetting you. This could the source of your concern or distrust.n n In any case, if you don’t “get” (experience) that she loves you wholly and completely then I would stay with your intuition. There’s something in the space that’s not being communicated (by you and her). When all thoughts are shared there’s nothing left in the space but love. Your integrity meter tells you something is missing but you can’t quite put your finger on it. You just know.n n One interesting phenomenon about withholds. If, say, you are withholding telling her that her breath is bad at times (or that you think her dad is a self righteous boob) then for certain she is withholding some thought from you. In other words, if you both intend to experience love consistently, daily, then you both have to agree to share all thoughts, zero thoughts withheld. The minute you withhold any thought she automatically finds herself withholding her thought of choice from you. In this regard you are always always the leader. A withholder cannot survive for long in the space of an open and honest person.n n Now let’s assume that she is in fact absolutely complete with him, and would not date him ever again, even if you were to die, then the barrier to getting her communications, is on your side. This barrier can be located and disappeared through conversations with a coach/therapist.n n Now let’s talk about your belief system. It’s quite possible that your cultural belief system is so ingrained that no matter how much you try to forgive and accept her past behaviors you will be unable to. In some cultures such behavior reveals an incredible amount of stuff that need to be talked out. Notice that I don’t say that she is wrong or bad. She may in fact be the only sane person among her peers, totally unwilling to compromise her integrity for a custom that is sexist, controlling, and archaic.n n There are a few other things that need to be mentioned. I suspect that part of your concern has to do with just how much you can trust a woman who so cleverly deceived her own parents and went against convention and had sex before marriage. I’m unaware of just what that means to you or her in your culture. In America most girls deceive their parents and have sex behind their parent’s back. For certain the deceit serves as a barrier to experiencing the joy and ecstasy of the first event. Teens can’t even share the high of the first sex event with their parents. Consequently their guilt, their out-integrity, serves as a barrier to the experience of intercourse. They try to have sex before they are even comfortable saying the words vagina and penis to each other. What they believe to be sex ain’t it. I mention this because she might now be enjoying sex with you because it’s the fist time she ever had it without the guilt—far more satisfying.n n The only thing left for me right now is I don’t know if she told you about this affair before you married her. If so that’s wonderful. If not, do let me know because it reveals another set of problems.n n To answer your question: is it possible for her to completely enjoy sex with you and to be emotionally, physically, and mentally satisfied? The answer is yes and no. Absolutely yes, if you can get some therapy and counselling so that you are complete about what in your past this represents for you. Yes, if your communication skills are such that you can tell when another is lying to you. If you have so many unacknowledged lies going on in your life then it’s most likely you can be conned. If you restore your integrity you will at least be able to tell if she is telling you the truth. On the other hand, it’s hopeless if you compromised your own integrity when you married her, or, most importantly, if you are hiding some things from her that you are unwilling/afraid to share.n n There’s a saying that a guy who has to ask a woman if it felt good has no business having sex yet. He has too much to learn about the fundamentals of intercourse. I’ve been extremely fortunate in that I’ve never had to worry about whether or not the woman I was with was satisfied. If any lied to me, then that’s their problem. However it’s pretty hard to fake giggling and happiness and love. It’s extremely easy to tell when a woman has something on her mind that needs to be discussed rather than have sex. I find it works to let the woman be in charge of the frequency. There’s nothing more satisfying than a woman asking for sex. When they want (initiate) sex they do whatever it takes to be satisfied.n n I’d like to know if you know she loves you or do you know because she tells you she does?n n Do share this post with her.n n Thank you, n n Kerryn n PS.n n I congratulate you on your wonderful command of English. I have taken the liberty of re-writing your post in support of your studies in English.n n I am from Singapore. I have been marred for a year. My wife told me that she had a relationship with a guy from India for four years before she met me. She acknowledges that she had sex with him. She relates that they were considering marriage but that she broke off the relationship. She realized that they were not compatible. Then she started dating me and fell in love with me. She tells me she loves me. n n I have tried hard to forget about what she did before our marriage but it’s been difficult. I do appreciate her truthfulness, it inspires my love. n n Given her past, is it possible for her to completely enjoy sex with me and to be emotionally, physically and mentally satisfied?