Family responsibility

[MARNYE]

I have a nephew that recently beat his wife. She had him arrested and he spent one night in jail before his dad bailed him out. My question is, "How do we as his family treat him?" I have one daughter and her husband that are so angry they never want to see him again. I have another daughter that wants to be there for him. I myself am very angry at what he has done. This is not the first time, but it is the first time there has been any consequences.

[Kerry]

Hi Marnye:n n The problem with your question is that you aren’t ready to do what it will take. Free advice is seldom, if ever, acted upon. Your question is just one more essential step in a long long dance of yours. Things aren’t bad enough for you to do what it will take for you to not have abuse in your life. The tragedy is that you will probably act/lead/communicate in such a way as to have him incarcerated and her hospitalized before you acknowledge cause in the matter. n n All with whom you relate are addicted to abuse. Your nephew is merely dramatizing it. In truth no one in your family can choose to heal until you do. You are the leader. You are the one asking here, no one else. There is no “We.” You will have to be willing to look and see that how you have been communicating, how you have been relating with everyone, produced this result. For as long as it takes you to acknowledged that it is your communication/leadership model that creates abuse in your family, that’s how long it will take for all others to even have a choice to begin healing. Till then, all steps/actions towards healing will only reward the behavior, merely more dance steps. n n Put another way, they can’t begin to heal with you in their life. For them to get a sense of how bad it is, they, (each) must get that they drove you out of their life.n n Your daughter’s immediate solution was right on, but alas, because she didn’t act upon it she revealed that she also is addicted to abuse, and to the drama. She, like you, is living a lie. You honestly believe you don’t want abuse in your life yet it’s all around you. Someone who tells the truth, “No abuse” mean what they say, and therefore don’t have abuse in their life. Hers was an empty threat that merely guarantees more of the same. Worse yet, she gets to look good, as though she’s not as abusive as the hitter. She doesn’t have the courage it would take to support (insist) that everyone get therapy. In her universe she is the leader. Until she takes charge the family will remain dysfunctional. Both the hitter and the person who creates space for the abuse are equally, sick. Both need equal amounts of therapy. n n Notice the way you describe the problem. You have taken sides. You have empowered and enabled his wife. A responsible person, one not addicted to blame, would have written, “My nephew and his wife communicate abusively with each other.” This warped view of yours, of who starts fights, is indicative that you have an incident in your life for which you have yet to accept responsibility. This is what this whole drama is really about—you completing your abuse, you completing an incomplete.n n Notice also your unconscious lie. “...but it is the first time there has been any consequences.” A conscious person, a person who operates from integrity, (one who is whole and complete) would have nipped this in the bud. Unbeknownst to you, your verbal, nonverbal, and psychic communications have intended the fighting. There’s a genus at work here.n n The answer: “I need to hear from everyone that you will attend weekly family counseling sessions with me until we unanimously arrive at the cause of the abuse in our family. If even one of you refuse I won’t be interacting with any of you individually until you have completed twenty-five 50—minute sessions of therapy or counseling. No communications, no phone calls/messages, no presents. I need to know with absolute certainty that I inspire love and harmony and that I am not unconsciously, covertly, intending abuse so as to be right and to look better than.”n n Marnye, once you decide to complete your experience of abuse I recommend that you do the Spouse Abuse Tutorial . n n If this feedback is of value to you I recommend that you anchor the value through a donation. It’s a way to share what you get.n n Thanks so much for reaching out. n n With aloha,n n Kerryn n PS. Because we have talked about so many people it would work for you to print out our communications for all to read.