Voiding the Tutorial?

[Feltshus]

Kerry;n n Thank you for your concerns regarding my participation in the tutorial. I readily admit that my relationship with God is the biggest part of my life.n n However, when I was considering the preliminary agreement, I recognized the challenge that I may need to communicate past my usual frame of reference. I also considered the processing part of this tutorial would need to be done away from friends and family that I would normally process with - they may be part of the problem.n n Although I am friends with my pastor and have sought counsel from him in the past, I have been hired to do a job. My ability to do that job well may be compromised if I were to look to him often in this manner. Likewise, it may also place us both in precarious positions that would be unsuitable to our posts. I choose not to go there.n n While I was reading through and pondering the various aspects of the agreement, I touched my hurt and my anger. I had to to make sure that I was willing to in a deeper way. I know I need help. I know that my perspective is not right. I just don't know how to change it.n n I think I am willing to stay soft toward counsel and correction in my communications. However, if you still have reservations about my ability to complete the tutorial, I will respect your counsel. n n Sincerely,n PS

[Kerry]

Hi PS:n n Thank you for replying here to my e-mail. My thinking is to have others participate in/witness our conversations. It allows others to correct/coach us both. Many non-tutorial participants monitor the Message Board, and many tutorial particpants monitor it and the SATMB—most in various stages of the tutorial. Most report that they get value reading everyone's conversations.n n To bring others up to speed on this conversation; PS has agreed to do the Spouse Abuse Tutorial. I noticed when she registered for the Message Center, that she is a church administrator. I e-mailed her the following:n n

Hi PS:n n You're all set to begin.n n Please accept the following as part of the tutorial.n n At this moment I am offering you the option of voiding your tutorial agreement. You may decline the offer and continue the tutorial in your replyn to this e-mail, in which case I will forward you the passwords etc.n n I noticed in your Message Center profile that you are a church administrator. I'm concerned that this tutorial might not be suited for you.n n I would be remiss if I didn't mention the following:n n Over the past 27 years I have coached thousands of individuals of every faith and belief, many devoted/practicing Christians. By far the majorityn have honored their agreements with me, however, a significant number of Christians have broken their agreements once they get into the subject ofn cause and responsibility and source. Enough have quit that I can no longer ignore the possible warning signs of someone who might just break their agreement for religious reasons. The reasons proffered for quitting range from, "I think you are - or this - is evil" to, "God tells me I shouldn't be doing this." In other words, God supports them in breaking their agreementn with me. I have no problem with that reasoning providing they warn me up front, else I believe I'm creating an agreement with a person who can ben trusted to honor their word. If they said up front, "I'll honor my agreement with you providing I don't think the tutorial is evil andn providing a don't get a sign from God that I should quit." Were they to say that I would tell them, "This is the kind of agreement you need to be willing to keep no matter what your mind/God tells you. If that's not possible then please don't make the agreement."n n FYI: I cannot recall a single instance in which I have used any religious terminology. If a participant refers to God or religion I counsel them to not do so during the tutorial.n n PS, if you consider your relationship with your pastor to be similar to that of a counselor, and, if you discuss personal problems with him/her,n and, if you feel as though you would have to discuss what we talk about in the tutorial with him/her, please accept my offer to void our agreement. I mention this because some people have a counselling relationship with theirn pastor. One should have only one coach/counselor.n n I need assurance that you intend to honor our agreement. Please press reply to this e-mail. The address will be To: address deleted In the subject field put, "Agreement confirmed." Nothing in the body. If you wish to comment on anything here you may post a New Topic in the Message Center.n n If you wish to accept my offer to void your agreement reply in the subject field, "I accept your offer, thank you."n n Thank you,n n Kerryn

Hi PS:n n Your post is excellent. I got it all.n n Re: I think I am willing to stay soft toward counsel and correction in my communications. Your use of the word "think," invalidates the agreement. For example: If at the alter you said, "I think I'm willing to cherish and honor ...etc." it would cause suspect. My hit is that this is an unconscious pattern of yours. "I think I can make it." "I think I'll come." "I think I can pass the course. "I think that was rude" (when in fact you know it was a rude statement). Many people have unconsciously adopted the word think as a barrier to commitment, a resistance to certainty. It's a red flag for a conscious person. "What do mean "think? Will you or won't you? People addicted to abuse will unconsciously use the word think as control. It keeps the other incomplete. "H'mmm, will she honor the agreement or won't she?"n n Re: soft This adds confusion. It's open to interpretation. In communication parlance it's called noise, it's a red flag.n n PS, You need to look and see if I can trust you to not share the content of the tutorial with your pastor or others until after you have completed the tutorial? Can I trust you to not go to someone and say, "Kerry says..., what do you think?" n n If we uncover an area that needs the attention of a therapist then I will give you a recess for xn of sessions for a specific incident/item.n n The fundamental problem for some Christians in doing the tutorial is that they have lost their ability to distinguish the difference between a belief and the truth. As such they are addicted to arguing. They have lost their ability to be a safe space for say a non-Christian to communicate openly, honestly and spontaneously with them. Certain subjects are off limits. They are solid. They have become their belief. Such a relationship is founded upon the belief, from the Christian's point of view, that the non-Christian needs to be saved, needs to be fixed, they are not ok. They are one of "them" etc. It's the ultimate us/them game, the ultimate position. There can be no experience of communication when one operates from a position. n n Re: I know I need help. I don't see that you need help. What I get is that there are some conversations you have yet to have.n n Re: I know that my perspective is not right. Nope. Your perspective is your perspective, and, it might not be producing the results you say you want. Nevertheless it's been producing the results that you needed to produce in order to have these kinds of conversations. Your perspective got you here, to this very conversation, it doesn't work to make it wrong. Billions can't even have these kinds of conversations yet.n n Re: I just don't know how to change it. Not to worry. The tutorial works whether you want it to or not. And, it's not about change. It's about transformation. You will soon find yourself having new conversations which in turn will produce new and different results. Once you've identified/acknowledged the lies you've been living you'll no longer reap their consquences.n n Please let me know whether or not you are willing to honor your tutorial agreement.n n Thank you,n n Kerryn Tutorial Coach

[Feltshus]

Kerry;n You have given me much to ponder today. The idea of "There can be no experience of communication when one operates from a position" is one I will consider at length. n n I get what you mean about the red flags in my communication. As such I have responded by email to continue in this process. I don't take vows lightly and will see this through to the end.n n Sincerely,n Pam