Being Addicted to abuse?
Posted: Tue Aug 31, 2004 4:03 pm
RE: Being addicted to abuse: I don't think it is as cut and dry as the 'victim' of abuse is addicted to being abused. Most people do not like to be mistreated and want to be loved and respected. There's more going on here than simply the 'causer of abuse' elicitingn abusive responses from the abuser. The abuser has to look at their role as well, what are they getting out of hurting others and not simply say: "It's their fault, their making me do it. I wouldn't hurt them, if they didn't let me." I think abusers have their share of enablers as well, people who support the abuser and do not make him or her accountable for his or her actions. I think people find themselves in abusive situations for a number of reasons:
1) The 'abusee' is re-enacting their childhoodn past. They were abused as a child by their mother and/or father. *Note: children are never responsible for being abused, ever. The, forgive the term, 'abusee' is searching for someone similiar to their parents and they desire to earn love from that person, the love that they have not been able to earn from their parents. They can't let go of the abusive pattern because they can't let go of the hope that one day they can earn the 'abusers' love. You see woman marrying men very similiar to their abusive fathers and men marrying women very similiar to their abusive mothers. These 'abusees' have to realize that the first person's love they have to earn, is their own love. They need to stop blaming themselves for not being treated in a loving way by their parents and realize that they are lovable and they do not need to seek out abusers to proove to themselves that they are lovable. These people arn't addicted to abuse, they are addicted to re-enacting the abusive situation they experienced as a child and are addicted to wanting the approval of the 'abuser'.
2. Of the 'abusee' is a game player and loves the drama. In this situation, the 'abusee' is avoiding taking responsibility for his or her own life. He or she is a drama junkie and loves the attention and seeks out enablers to shower him or her with pity. This person definitely causes the abuse and encourages the 'abuser' to act abusively. This person is the wife that ensures the house is filthy when her husband comes home, knowing this will 'unhinge' him. She is the person who 'accidently' spills coffee on his important papers and does whatever it takes to get him to explode and hit her. And when he does, she can play victim and run to her enablers and get pity and keep avoiding her life. In this case, the man, driven, encouraged and prompted to play the 'abuser' is allowing himself to get hooked up in this sick game of "abuse me so I don't have to do much of anything but complain."
3) And there is the 'abusee' who isn't seeking an abusive relationship at all and their fault is that they give the abuser another chance. They were taught to 'turn the other cheek' and 'love your enemies' and they have patience and are genuinely nice people. They feel sorry for the bully and hope to win him over with kindness. They are not seeking the bullies approval, but hope to reform him. This person is the helper: they may be avoiding working on their own stuff by saving 'abusers'. They find, however, that the kinder they are to the bully, the crueler the bully is to them. But they want the semi-happy ending, like in the movies "Analyze that" or "Monster". They see the abuser as the 'misunderstood monster' and hope to tame him. So they are addicted to saving the 'abuser', rather than being addicted to being abused.
4) Also, the abusee may be a scapegoat that a group has chosen to punish. In this situation, the scapegoat is not addicted to abuse, but they find themselves being picked on. They have their windows smashed and their store vandalized because they are the wrong colour or religion. They may be the sick kid in a family of healthy athlectic people. They choose to live a live that is not filled with drama and energy-sapping insanity and they choose to be themselves and not give up their individuality. They choose not be people-pleasers and simply go along to get along and because they hold onto their convictions, groups of bullies seek them out and attack them. And the scapegoat doesn't have the option of delivering letters to all those who are prejudice against him with the ultimatum that if they do not get therapy, he will not interact with them. These 'abusers' do not want to interact with the scapegoat, they want to punish and blame him. I do believe that people who are in abusive situations need to realize that they have a choice and have to accept responsibility for the part they play in the abusive game. The only way a person can set themselves free from the abuse game is to stop putting the focus on, "he or she is abusive right, look how bad he or she is" and instead put the focus on what they can do about it. By accepting responsibility for our part in the abuse game, we are empowered. We are not a piece of drift wood being pulled along by the waves. We have power. We don't have to answer the door(we can look in the peep hole and if we don't know the person at the door, we don't have to answer it). We don't have to put ourselves in a dangerous situation (like a girl agreeing to go on a drive at night with a group of guys). We don't have to accept bad behaviour. We can say no. *One more thing:n I have read in your letters that one prescription for health is to give abusive people in our lives an ultimatum, get a required amount of therapy or we will not communicate with them anymore. This prescription for health is beneficial in that it allows the 'abusee' to walk away without feeling guilty. They gave the 'abuser' the chance to mend their ways and if the 'abuser' refuses to get the help, 'they' made the choice not to have the 'abusee' in their lives.
1) The 'abusee' is re-enacting their childhoodn past. They were abused as a child by their mother and/or father. *Note: children are never responsible for being abused, ever. The, forgive the term, 'abusee' is searching for someone similiar to their parents and they desire to earn love from that person, the love that they have not been able to earn from their parents. They can't let go of the abusive pattern because they can't let go of the hope that one day they can earn the 'abusers' love. You see woman marrying men very similiar to their abusive fathers and men marrying women very similiar to their abusive mothers. These 'abusees' have to realize that the first person's love they have to earn, is their own love. They need to stop blaming themselves for not being treated in a loving way by their parents and realize that they are lovable and they do not need to seek out abusers to proove to themselves that they are lovable. These people arn't addicted to abuse, they are addicted to re-enacting the abusive situation they experienced as a child and are addicted to wanting the approval of the 'abuser'.
2. Of the 'abusee' is a game player and loves the drama. In this situation, the 'abusee' is avoiding taking responsibility for his or her own life. He or she is a drama junkie and loves the attention and seeks out enablers to shower him or her with pity. This person definitely causes the abuse and encourages the 'abuser' to act abusively. This person is the wife that ensures the house is filthy when her husband comes home, knowing this will 'unhinge' him. She is the person who 'accidently' spills coffee on his important papers and does whatever it takes to get him to explode and hit her. And when he does, she can play victim and run to her enablers and get pity and keep avoiding her life. In this case, the man, driven, encouraged and prompted to play the 'abuser' is allowing himself to get hooked up in this sick game of "abuse me so I don't have to do much of anything but complain."
3) And there is the 'abusee' who isn't seeking an abusive relationship at all and their fault is that they give the abuser another chance. They were taught to 'turn the other cheek' and 'love your enemies' and they have patience and are genuinely nice people. They feel sorry for the bully and hope to win him over with kindness. They are not seeking the bullies approval, but hope to reform him. This person is the helper: they may be avoiding working on their own stuff by saving 'abusers'. They find, however, that the kinder they are to the bully, the crueler the bully is to them. But they want the semi-happy ending, like in the movies "Analyze that" or "Monster". They see the abuser as the 'misunderstood monster' and hope to tame him. So they are addicted to saving the 'abuser', rather than being addicted to being abused.
4) Also, the abusee may be a scapegoat that a group has chosen to punish. In this situation, the scapegoat is not addicted to abuse, but they find themselves being picked on. They have their windows smashed and their store vandalized because they are the wrong colour or religion. They may be the sick kid in a family of healthy athlectic people. They choose to live a live that is not filled with drama and energy-sapping insanity and they choose to be themselves and not give up their individuality. They choose not be people-pleasers and simply go along to get along and because they hold onto their convictions, groups of bullies seek them out and attack them. And the scapegoat doesn't have the option of delivering letters to all those who are prejudice against him with the ultimatum that if they do not get therapy, he will not interact with them. These 'abusers' do not want to interact with the scapegoat, they want to punish and blame him. I do believe that people who are in abusive situations need to realize that they have a choice and have to accept responsibility for the part they play in the abusive game. The only way a person can set themselves free from the abuse game is to stop putting the focus on, "he or she is abusive right, look how bad he or she is" and instead put the focus on what they can do about it. By accepting responsibility for our part in the abuse game, we are empowered. We are not a piece of drift wood being pulled along by the waves. We have power. We don't have to answer the door(we can look in the peep hole and if we don't know the person at the door, we don't have to answer it). We don't have to put ourselves in a dangerous situation (like a girl agreeing to go on a drive at night with a group of guys). We don't have to accept bad behaviour. We can say no. *One more thing:n I have read in your letters that one prescription for health is to give abusive people in our lives an ultimatum, get a required amount of therapy or we will not communicate with them anymore. This prescription for health is beneficial in that it allows the 'abusee' to walk away without feeling guilty. They gave the 'abuser' the chance to mend their ways and if the 'abuser' refuses to get the help, 'they' made the choice not to have the 'abusee' in their lives.