Being Addicted to abuse?

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<Lily>

Being Addicted to abuse?

Post by <Lily> » Tue Aug 31, 2004 4:03 pm

RE: Being addicted to abuse: I don't think it is as cut and dry as the 'victim' of abuse is addicted to being abused. Most people do not like to be mistreated and want to be loved and respected. There's more going on here than simply the 'causer of abuse' elicitingn abusive responses from the abuser. The abuser has to look at their role as well, what are they getting out of hurting others and not simply say: "It's their fault, their making me do it. I wouldn't hurt them, if they didn't let me." I think abusers have their share of enablers as well, people who support the abuser and do not make him or her accountable for his or her actions. I think people find themselves in abusive situations for a number of reasons:

1) The 'abusee' is re-enacting their childhoodn past. They were abused as a child by their mother and/or father. *Note: children are never responsible for being abused, ever. The, forgive the term, 'abusee' is searching for someone similiar to their parents and they desire to earn love from that person, the love that they have not been able to earn from their parents. They can't let go of the abusive pattern because they can't let go of the hope that one day they can earn the 'abusers' love. You see woman marrying men very similiar to their abusive fathers and men marrying women very similiar to their abusive mothers. These 'abusees' have to realize that the first person's love they have to earn, is their own love. They need to stop blaming themselves for not being treated in a loving way by their parents and realize that they are lovable and they do not need to seek out abusers to proove to themselves that they are lovable. These people arn't addicted to abuse, they are addicted to re-enacting the abusive situation they experienced as a child and are addicted to wanting the approval of the 'abuser'.

2. Of the 'abusee' is a game player and loves the drama. In this situation, the 'abusee' is avoiding taking responsibility for his or her own life. He or she is a drama junkie and loves the attention and seeks out enablers to shower him or her with pity. This person definitely causes the abuse and encourages the 'abuser' to act abusively. This person is the wife that ensures the house is filthy when her husband comes home, knowing this will 'unhinge' him. She is the person who 'accidently' spills coffee on his important papers and does whatever it takes to get him to explode and hit her. And when he does, she can play victim and run to her enablers and get pity and keep avoiding her life. In this case, the man, driven, encouraged and prompted to play the 'abuser' is allowing himself to get hooked up in this sick game of "abuse me so I don't have to do much of anything but complain."

3) And there is the 'abusee' who isn't seeking an abusive relationship at all and their fault is that they give the abuser another chance. They were taught to 'turn the other cheek' and 'love your enemies' and they have patience and are genuinely nice people. They feel sorry for the bully and hope to win him over with kindness. They are not seeking the bullies approval, but hope to reform him. This person is the helper: they may be avoiding working on their own stuff by saving 'abusers'. They find, however, that the kinder they are to the bully, the crueler the bully is to them. But they want the semi-happy ending, like in the movies "Analyze that" or "Monster". They see the abuser as the 'misunderstood monster' and hope to tame him. So they are addicted to saving the 'abuser', rather than being addicted to being abused.

4) Also, the abusee may be a scapegoat that a group has chosen to punish. In this situation, the scapegoat is not addicted to abuse, but they find themselves being picked on. They have their windows smashed and their store vandalized because they are the wrong colour or religion. They may be the sick kid in a family of healthy athlectic people. They choose to live a live that is not filled with drama and energy-sapping insanity and they choose to be themselves and not give up their individuality. They choose not be people-pleasers and simply go along to get along and because they hold onto their convictions, groups of bullies seek them out and attack them. And the scapegoat doesn't have the option of delivering letters to all those who are prejudice against him with the ultimatum that if they do not get therapy, he will not interact with them. These 'abusers' do not want to interact with the scapegoat, they want to punish and blame him. I do believe that people who are in abusive situations need to realize that they have a choice and have to accept responsibility for the part they play in the abusive game. The only way a person can set themselves free from the abuse game is to stop putting the focus on, "he or she is abusive right, look how bad he or she is" and instead put the focus on what they can do about it. By accepting responsibility for our part in the abuse game, we are empowered. We are not a piece of drift wood being pulled along by the waves. We have power. We don't have to answer the door(we can look in the peep hole and if we don't know the person at the door, we don't have to answer it). We don't have to put ourselves in a dangerous situation (like a girl agreeing to go on a drive at night with a group of guys). We don't have to accept bad behaviour. We can say no. *One more thing:n I have read in your letters that one prescription for health is to give abusive people in our lives an ultimatum, get a required amount of therapy or we will not communicate with them anymore. This prescription for health is beneficial in that it allows the 'abusee' to walk away without feeling guilty. They gave the 'abuser' the chance to mend their ways and if the 'abuser' refuses to get the help, 'they' made the choice not to have the 'abusee' in their lives.

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Kerry
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Re: Being Addicted to abuse?

Post by Kerry » Tue Aug 31, 2004 4:47 pm

Hi Lily: Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I'd add one more Lilyism to your list; don't engage in a substantive conversations with someone who is addicted to lecturing, to being right, and to arguing. As with all posts here someone will see themselves through our communications. If you wish a reply/coaching please post everything again but in the Message Board. This Message Drop is for comments/posts that don't require a reply. I erred by replying to your first post here.

With aloha,

Kerry

BigBearHugs
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Re: Being Addicted to abuse?

Post by BigBearHugs » Sat Jul 16, 2011 9:47 pm

Though I know I am years late in posting this, I feel a certain need to say a few things, as this is one of the first search results that shows up when looking up abuse, and for the sake of those IN abusive relationships, I want to make sure if they read it, they are well informed...
Be warned, it is ridiculously long.

The first thing I have to say is that, actually, victims of abuse are NOT "addicts" of abuse, nor are they "provokers" or "causers" of it. Allow me to explain. There was once a huge theory that victims of abuse were masochists who got themselves in the situation because they somehow enjoyed it. This is absolutely absurd, and has been refuted, because

1)abuse escalates gradually. Abusers do not first appear to be abusers; from the outside, they seem like nice, charming do-gooders--even a dream come true. Once the victim is committed, however, they (the abuser) reveal their true selves gradually.

2) what this theory suggests is that victims are addicted to "drama." But drama and abuse are compleeeeeeeeetely different. Those who don't know this have obviously never experienced it or at least seen in first-hand.

3) abuse is unpredictable. One cannot plan to "make" an abuser react because one thing that he reacts to one day, he may be totally fine with the next. His reactions TO it, are also completely unpredictable. One day, he may give a twenty minute lecture on why his partner is lucky to have him because she's so terrible at, say, putting on makeup. The next, he may stab his partner twenty times through the heart for making his eggs wrong. Victims of abuse make their entire lives an attempt to keep him happy, to AVOID these reactions. I have never heard of a single case where someone TRIED to cause it. That is absurd.

Now. Victims of abuse are not addicted to abuse. Nor are they "irresponsible" as some suggest (their life is dedicated to keeping the peace, ceaselessly forgiving his many atrocious abuses, pulling off TWO sides of a relationship, making up for their partners' failings, AND taking care of things like housework, finances, children, etc. While their abuser, meanwhile, does nothing to help and adds significantly to the weight. You'd have to be blind to somehow believe that is irresponsibility. They are, in fact, probably TOO responsible.) So they aren't addicted to abuse, but strong emotional ties do bond them to the ABUSER. These are called "trauma bonds" aka "Stockholm Syndrome."

Abusers employ the exact same techniques on their victims as do captors of prisoners of war. Plus a few extras on the side. The abuse cycles in this form: Tension Escalates, Abusive "Rage," Honeymoon Phase--repeat. The honeymoon phase between each abusive episode keeps victims believing there is still some hope for improvement, so they decide to stay. That fact, coupled with the fact that the abuser makes it VERY difficult to leave and that the abuser is perceieved to have the ability to inflict serious damage (physically or psychologically) to the victim, gives room for these bonds to form. They form as a method of psychological and physical survival for the victim. So, in the situation, they are good. However, when the victim tries to leave, they make it extremely difficult to keep from coming back. When you ask a victim why they stay, you may hear "because I love him." Actually, what they are describing is Stockholm Syndrome. If this doesn't make sense, I suggest Googling "Stockholm Syndrome."

Aaaaand, moving on further, one will often hear the phrase "it takes two to tango," and it is true. To a degree. One can be responsible for making a person FEEL a certain way, and they can certainly influence them. But they cannot MAKE anyone do anything. What people will try to suggest is that victims initiate the abuse with their behavior, and this is false for a few reasons. First, abusers have emotional problems. They have deep anger, and this deep anger can be triggered by the tiniest things such as their baby crying when they don't want it to, someone's shoes being left out, or their partner not being able to read their mind and grant them their unreasonable, unspoken wishes. This will then start a rage--and there's no telling how it will end-- permanent psychological damage... Broken bones... Or death. Second, obviously, with such impossible expectations on how they must act, victims of abuse cannot be guilty for "messing up." Also, for those wondering why victims don't just stand up for themselves, the answer is that to do so will put them in even greater danger, especially in the middle of a huge rage. Remember, any small disagreements with the abuser's omniscient, all-knowing opinion must be punished. It's basically "submit to the abuse or undergo much worse."

The fault of abuse lies in the hands of the abuser. Completely.
And, again, I'm terribly sorry for the length of this. I kinda get passionate about this topic and end up ranting...

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Kerry
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Re: Being Addicted to abuse?

Post by Kerry » Fri Aug 05, 2011 1:01 pm

Hi BigBearHugs,

Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts.

Kerry

Becik
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Joined: Fri Aug 19, 2011 5:27 am

Re: Being Addicted to abuse?

Post by Becik » Fri Aug 19, 2011 6:59 am

Hi BigBearHugs

I just want to say thank you for understanding.
I have been in abusive relationship for 22 years, went through years of therapy and I couldn't leave him.
I'm a business owner, (doing ok), and have taken the responsibility for the whole family and the house ,2 children, finances(mine and his), budgeting for the family and bills, (which is hard because he likes to spend and has no concept or interest how much our family needs to survive) all the house work, and shopping, school droppings and plenty more. Hi goes to work and absolutely nothing more, he does not care a thing about anything else. He accuse me constantly of slipping around, with everyone, has a very short temper and like you described one day he will tell me how much he loves me and needs me in his life and the next he would drive me over only if he could. The hate he displays towards me is the most cruel and nasty I have ever experience in my life. I grew up in a family based on love and compassion, understanding and forgiveness. So thats exactly what I have tried to create again with this man. He has no friends, his own family don't talk to him, he pushes me to stop having friends or associate with my family. just simply can't keep long time relationships with anyone, because as soon as a new person gets in our life he will overwhelm them with his charm, showing or playing the great man he wants to be, but as soon he will show he's true face they just disappear from the circle. I remember one day I was so stressed about the situation I was suicidal, I though this is the only way out, I went to see my doctor and cried my eyes out, she ask me to send him over, I told him he needs a blood test so he went, when I visit her again she told me how great man I have for a husband and has ask me to apologise to him for my behaviour. He has this special charisma which will convince absolutely every one. He could go apply for any job, something thats he has no idea or experience and every time he would get it!
He has left me few times in our life and every time he went away I just felt free and flourished in my life and every time he sees me getting along with my life, he would come back manipulating the kids and than me and making us believe he is a change man. Yes he would be change until he felt comfortable to be his self again.

One time when I totally did not want to let him in, he let me build the house of my dreams,( I couldn't do it with out his income,) he has never paid any attention or interest during the choosing stage, building progress, or the furniture choice, I have spend hour on planning, how perfect it would look, and it is perfect for me. IT IS MY HOME!! IT IS MY REWARD FOR THE SUFFERING
But now he will not leave and I know that I will have to go with the kids to what ever rental home I can afford. I know he hates this house, he hates this city and he wants is to move away for a long time( my family lives here and regards how much he wants me to stop associating with them I still do, even if is in secret and he hates it)but he claims that this is the house he will stay. He told me many times how he wishes a nuclear bomb would destroy this city and this house.
I have educate my self about abuse, read all the books available , but I just can make the decision to go, every time I'm ready I feel unsure, scared, lonely,and devastated, he knows me enough and would change, get his empty promises out,and at this stage I would be so hurt and tired that even thats I know every time this is just a game I will fell for it just to get some peace inside my broken heart. It is a vicious circle of abuse, and I WANT TO STOP IT!!!
I don't want to feel this way any more.
I need help,

Becik

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Kerry
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Re: Being Addicted to abuse?

Post by Kerry » Fri Aug 19, 2011 10:12 am

Hi Becik,

Please post in the Message Board if you wish a reply/coaching. This Message Drop is for comments/posts that do not require replies or answers.

Re: "I just want to say thank you for understanding." I'm not sure where you got that I "understand" what you've posted. Above all, you do not need someone to understand or agree with you or your mind or your understandings of the cause of your problem; your description of your problem/situation is inaccurate, your "understanding" of everything is what's causing more of the same.

Again, if you want free coaching use the Message Board. Before posting see if you can identify the lies, blaming, and invalidations (arguments to be right) in your posts. Ironically, all that stuff you've posted must come out so as to create space for communication to take place. I recommend that you read and do The Clearing Process, five clearings, one per day for five days in a row; it requires that you communicate as you have been here, simply emptying your mind of all the lies, blames, explanations, reasons, etc. that are stored in it. What you've done here is dump your problem with no intention to resolve it. Posting the exact same content in the The Message Board is done with an intention to empty your mind so as to be able to see the truth, specifically your cause. When you tell the truth your problem will disappear. It will come as a shock for you to discover that you have been intending (albeit unconsciously) what's been going on.

Thank you for reaching out.

Kerry

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