Value received from Clearings & Tutorial

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aworkinprogress
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Joined: Mon Oct 18, 2010 10:26 am

Value received from Clearings & Tutorial

Post by aworkinprogress » Thu Oct 21, 2010 11:38 am

I have written the positive things I have noticed in my life since beginning the Clearing exercises and the Spouse Abuse Tutorial a few days ago. They are copied and pasted below.

My daughter spontaneously cleaned the kitchen. This is such a rare occurrence that I do not believe it's a coincidence.

My son offered to put away leftover food after dinner last night. He as NEVER done this and he's 15.

My sleep is deeper. I do not normally have trouble sleeping but I notice a definite difference in the quality of sleep.

My daughter spontaneously hugged me. I do not recall the last time she did this, and she is 20 years old.

A colleague on other side of country wants to collaborate with me regarding my website. He wants to refer his clients to me for type of specialty work I do in our field. I caught myself in a withhold with him (but was not able to correct it).

I caught myself in a lie/withhold with UPS man and was able to correct it immediately.

I feel more present with my kids as they talk to me.

My memory is improving.

Not sure if this is related but I got carded at the grocery store yesterday. I am 44 years old!

Thank you Kerry for providing this space for me to learn how to communicate.

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Kerry
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Re: Value received from Clearings & Tutorial

Post by Kerry » Thu Oct 21, 2010 5:01 pm

Hi aworkinprogress,

Thank you for the acknowledgments and for your intentions to have our interactions be of value. Those are truly remarkable results.

Two things come to mind: Your log-in name bothers me. It communicates that there is something wrong with you, as though you need to get better. What's worse is that it is an affirmation to be a aworkinprogress tomorrow, and the next day, etc. It doesn't allow that you are now whole and complete, at this very second. It drags your picture of you into each new conversation. There's no intention to be whole and complete through our communications. There's no intention for our interactions to be immediately transformational. That was then this is now.

and,

Re: "Thank you Kerry for providing this space for me to learn how to communicate." I got what you mean but it's not accurate. While I have created space for our communications, you have always known how to communicate; you can't do anything but communicate. What is so is that we have been practicing a different communication model than the one you've been primarily using. What is also true is that I have supported you in communicating through to mutual satisfaction and in being complete. I've also brought to the front of your mind certain communication fundamentals and principles, none of which you didn't already know at some level. I've also labeled some communication variables (components) as a means of talking about things that aren't usually discussed accurately. i.e. withholds, perpetrations, integrity, intention.

In turn you keep me sharp and brighten my day with new opportunities; you continually remind me about what works and what doesn't work. I use the energy we co-create to serve others. Our relationship and the results you've produced validates me. Thank you.

Kerry

aworkinprogress
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Joined: Mon Oct 18, 2010 10:26 am

Re: Value received from Clearings & Tutorial

Post by aworkinprogress » Fri Oct 22, 2010 7:00 am

"In turn you keep me sharp and brighten my day with new opportunities; you continually remind me about what works and what doesn't work. I use the energy we co-create to serve others. Our relationship and the results you've produced validates me. Thank you."

You are welcome. I do not feel sharp or bright. I feel more empty than I perhaps ever had and it's a very strange and foreign feeling. It's as if a chunk of the normal chaos is missing. Strangely, new thoughts and fears have arisen because of this change. "What is going on here!?" I also feel very heavy. As I consider all the things I wrote about thus far I realize that I have never lived my life and this saddens me.

Regarding the login name: I felt a "check" or "red flag" as I picked it and knew there wasn't something right about it. However I do feel very incomplete so on one hand it seems to fit. For some reason I filled my life with people who communicate this very thing to me, my mother, my ex, the teacher of that group, others there in that group. Interesting that I do not have any of those people in my daily life now, a couple are on the outskirts and I see/talk with them only occasionally. I will think more on this and discuss with you when I have something else to day about it.

aworkinprogress
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Joined: Mon Oct 18, 2010 10:26 am

Re: Value received from Clearings & Tutorial

Post by aworkinprogress » Fri Oct 22, 2010 7:26 am

Another thing to share of value.

I feel more at peace regarding my divorce that I ever have. Previously there was some part of me that still questioned leaving my ex, due to my religious beliefs. But now that I am more clear on what abuse actually is, I can see that for me to remain with him would have been to continue abusing him and allowing him to abuse me. Also, he is still completely enmeshed in abuse (both giving and receiving) and I do not foresee this changing anytime soon. Since he and I now define abuse differently there is no way we could have remained together.

The peace is an emptiness. It's not joy or elation. It's not really an emotion at all as far as I can tell now. It's just an inner silence.

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Kerry
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Re: Value received from Clearings & Tutorial

Post by Kerry » Fri Oct 22, 2010 10:46 am

Hi aworkinprogress,

Thanks I got it.

What works is to recall and relate the first incident (that specific person, time, & place) in which you abused another, or, keep going back in time, starting with the relationship just prior to your ex. Not to worry if nothing comes up, it will with continual clearings.

In the meantime, please re word and post your "pain" incident.

Kerry

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Kerry
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Re: Value received from Clearings & Tutorial

Post by Kerry » Fri Oct 22, 2010 10:47 am

Hi aworkinprogress,

Thanks I got it.

What works is to recall and relate the first incident (that specific person, time, & place) in which you abused another, or, keep going back in time, starting with the relationship just prior to your ex. Not to worry if nothing comes up, it will with continual clearings.

Kerry

aworkinprogress
Posts: 5
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Posted again, and how will I know?

Post by aworkinprogress » Fri Oct 22, 2010 12:14 pm

Kerry wrote:In the meantime, please re word and post your "pain" incident.
OK I posted a couple paragraphs a couple hours ago. I will continue to work on it.
What works is to recall and relate the first incident (that specific person, time, & place) in which you abused another, or, keep going back in time, starting with the relationship just prior to your ex. Not to worry if nothing comes up, it will with continual clearings.
How will I know if I have remembered these firsts? One of the abuses I mention in the second clearing, I am pretty sure is the first. It's the first I can remember now.

aworkinprogress
Posts: 5
Joined: Mon Oct 18, 2010 10:26 am

Saw my ex today.....

Post by aworkinprogress » Fri Oct 22, 2010 12:31 pm

One more thing:

I saw my ex today at our daughter's recital. He sat next to me, which is unusual at these events. He was pleasant and we made some pleasant small talk, even though I felt uncomfortable because I wasn't sure how to act toward him.

The program listed all of the pieces that the students were performing. Many of the pieces were German. My ex is of German descent and knows a few German words. One of the pieces had the word "love" in it, in German. My ex pointed this word out to me, saying, "This means love." It took me a few minutes but I finally got his communication, I was pretty sure he was telling me that he loved me. However I did not respond, I froze inside. I did not want to get this communication. I realize now that I should have asked for clarification. We continued to make small talk and I didn't notice a change in his attitude, until the end of the recital when he seemed agitated and distant.

I had been meaning to ask him his plans for Thanksgiving. The holidays are always frustrating for me and this year I want to avoid that as much as I can. That group insists that people spend the holidays with them. So I asked him if he would like to come to my house for Thanksgiving, with the kids, my sister and her husband, and his girlfriend. He said he'd think about it.

I now realize that he was incomplete as we parted. Somehow I caused this. I feel scared to call him to talk about it. One one level I do love him but I do not want him to know. I do not trust our interactions regarding intimate matters. I am still very angry at him. I am afraid that if I communicate cleanly with him that it will mean that I'm supposed to let him back into my life again, and I do not want that. I also know that I am able to manipulate him to abuse me. There were many times in our past when I would tell him things about me, things that I KNEW he would abuse me with, and sure enough he would! Yet I kept doing it so this tells me that I am responsible for those abuses.

On the other hand I do not want anybody feeling incomplete with me. I do not know what my responsibility is here toward him or myself. Please share your thoughts on this. Thanks.

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Kerry
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Re: Value received from Clearings & Tutorial

Post by Kerry » Fri Oct 22, 2010 1:36 pm

Hi aworkinprogress,

Your reply about your login name doesn't feel good. There's no sense in having a coach and not availing yourself of feedback. I see now that your login name communicates a position. Communication requires space and a willingness to be contributed to. Opting for more of the same shuts down communication.

The tutorial can't work if you continue to relate with those addicted to abuse; it's tantamount to engaging a therapist and intending that the therapy doesn't work, taking as many (me) down with you as possible.

The story goes that a woman asked L. Ron Hubbard (Dianetics) how much it would cost to get clear. He replied, I'll paraphrase here, [About $1000.00. However, and this is important, I'll clear you and you'll become so confident and powerful that you'll honestly believe that you can engage in conversations with your mother (insert ex). My advice? Don't! Clearing doesn't make you a communication skills coach. And, predictably, you'll arrogantly ignore my advice and within the first few sentences of your first conversation with her you'll find yourself back at effect of her. It won't feel good. Then you'll ask how much to get clear again and the fee will be $10,000.00]. Every time you interact with your ex you are transported back to where you were before the tutorial. Notice that you didn't share your withholds with him (rhetorical)? To even sit next to him, to be in the same auditorium, to attempt to converse with him, to set it up for him to sit next to you, reveals that you are not yet ready to complete your experience of abuse.

Notice also that all your relatives empower the abuse between you two (rhetorical)? Read about estrangement.

What good are our coms if you generate more of the same (perpetrations) between posts, and most importantly, don't clean them up (rhetorical)?

Please continue with your clearings but don't post again (or email me) until you can tell me you've not interacted with him (other than logistics), and your latest Facebook friend, for a period of 6-months in a row. I need to know that I inspire you to have abuse-free relationships. This is an essential part of the tutorial; I'm demonstrating how to estrange yourself from those who consciously dump abuse/perpetrations in your space and aren't willing to clean it up. It didn't feel good to read that you engaged in conversations with someone whom you know to be addicted to abuse. You simply can't live in both worlds.

With aloha,

Kerry

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