None of what follows is
necessarily the truth, its purpose is
to stimulate conversations between you and yours. —Kerry
Scenario:
You just discovered that your partner has committed a perpetration. They have broken a
verbal, written, or an implied agreement. Let's assume it was a biggie such as
physical abuse, a felony/illegal activity, an extramarital affair,
sneaky on-line porn chats or, that he/she has been using/selling drugs
behind your back.
Question: Should you forgive him/her?
Answer: No. Do not forgive him/her so that you can lord your magnanimity
over them for life; instead, forgive yourself for unconsciously setting
it up for them to do it to you. Just because you don't know how you
produced a result doesn't mean that you, using your
leadership-communication skills, didn't unconsciously intend it. Do
The [free] Clearing Process, then you can
schedule a free 3-hr consultation with a communication-skills
coach during which, you will be able to recall the exact day, date and time, the
incident (the communication of yours) that
began, that
caused, the deceptions between you.
In other words, it doesn't make sense to forgive someone for a result
you produced using your leadership-communication skills, it invalidates
the genius in you that masterminded this outcome, your cause for this
result. Choose to experience the realization that it's you who doesn't inspire honesty, that he/she had no choice other than to mirror
your integrity, to follow your
lead (albeit an unconscious one).
Any out-integrity between a couple reveals that both have been
withholding an equal (yes both andequal) number of thoughts from the other:
If you are claiming to be the "victim" of a perpetration, then you are
addicted to blaming and to lying. If you were to spend time with a
communication-skills coach you'd discover that you began the deceit by
withholding a significant deal-breaking thought on the
very first date.I.e.Herpes,
previous physical abusive
relationship, history of verbal abuse, unacknowledged perpetrations
(deceits/deceptions) between you and your "dysfunctional"parents, addictions to blaming or drugs, cheated
(on
another or on a test) or committed a theft/crime, etc. (something you hid
for fear that it would be a deal-breaker). Remember, it was your karma
that attracted this—they are merely mirroring your integrity.
All divorced
couples brought their addictions to deceit and blaming (to withholding
significant thoughts from their parents) into the relationship when they first met; usually on the very first date.
If our integrity is out we
magnetically attract someone who will mirror our integrity.
After 44+ years of coaching thousands I have not found an exception
to this entanglement phenomenon. Mo betta to use this opportunity to discover what you've been up to.
Given all the possibilities, why intend this? What we do know is that
you need to be acknowledged (caught) for an incomplete, perhaps a
perpetration of yours with another, something you've hidden from your
partner or your parents, perhaps even from yourself. As in, "Pot calling the kettle
black." For certain you're addicted to blaming? I.e. Accusing
another, "You lied, you
cheated."
Perhaps you are experiencing the karma (the consequences) of
the deceit you perpetrated on both sets of parents to whom you presented
yourself as an honest person, yet you conned your partner into having
sex behind the backs of both sets of parents knowing it would cause
upset and anger. It could be about an even earlier premarital sex
relationship that you have hid from a significant person. Arrogance is believing that you got away with such
deceits; arrogance always begs humbling. Could it be that you badmouthed
your ex or supported your partner in blaming his/her ex ("He divorced
me." "She cheated on me." "He was abusive." —all blaming lies) for their
divorce? There are always undesirable consequences for abusive blaming
or for non-verbally supporting it.
Correction to the above Scenario:
It should read, [You, using your
unique sophisticated leadership-communication skills, have unconsciously
intended that your partner commit a perpetration]. Perhaps you cleverly
avoided asking specific deal-breaking questions at the very beginning and now find yourself blaming them.
To "hook" them you sneakily didn't
define your boundaries up front. Read:
Creating a marriage vow that precludes cheating and other specific
unacceptable behaviors.
In any case, the truth is, you don't inspire integrity.You lost their
respect early on else they would not insult you with such abusive
behavior. They have unconsciously set you up to restore their integrity;
if you elicit an apology from them, or if you "forgive"
them, it will cause even greater disrespect. They
intuitively knew that with some pathetic begging they could con you into
forgiving them, to give them one more chance, as in "push-over," easily
manipulated (no one would consciously treat another like this,
especially a loved one). They cannot change/heal with you in their life.
And, if you continue using the same leadership-communication skills,
you
will keep producing more of the same, especially with your children.
To begin restoring your integrity do
The Clearing Process (it's free and it works).
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