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Communication Tip:

Originally written by Kerry for tutorial reference material, rewritten for Communication Weekly (no longer on line).


What Behaviors to Forgive
None of what follows is necessarily the truth, it’s purpose is to stimulate conversations between you and yours. —Kerry
Scenario:

Your partner has committed a perpetration. They have broken a verbal or an implied agreement. Let’s assume that it was a biggie such as physical abuse, a felony/illegal activity, an extramarital affair, on-line porn/gay chats or, that he/she has been drugging (using/selling) behind your back.

Question:
Should you forgive him/her?

Answer:
No. Do not forgive him/her so that you can lord your magnanimity over them for life; instead, forgive yourself for unconsciously setting it up for them to do it to you. Just because you don’t know how you produced a result doesn’t mean that you, using your leadership-communication skills, didn’t unconsciously intend it.

In other words, it doesn’t make sense to forgive someone for a result you produced using your leadership-communication skills, it invalidates the genius in you that masterminded this outcome, your cause for this result. Be with the experience of the realization that it’s you who doesn’t inspire honesty, that he/she had no choice other than to mirror your integrity, to follow your lead (albeit an unconscious one).

Any out-integrity between a couple reveals that both have been withholding thoughts from the other: If you are claiming to be the “victim” of a perpetration, then you are addicted to blaming and to lying. If you were to spend time with a communication-skills coach you’d discover that you began the deceit by withholding a deal-breaking thought on the very first date. i.e. Herpes, previous physical abusive relationship, history of verbal abuse, unacknowledged perpetrations between you and your "dysfunctional" parents, addictions to blaming or drugs, cheated (on another or on a test), committed a theft/crime, etc. (something you hid for fear that it would be a deal-breaker). Remember, it was your karma that attracted this—they are merely mirroring your integrity.

Mo betta to use this opportunity to discover what you’ve been up to. Given all the possibilities, why intend this? What we do know is that you need to be acknowledged (caught) for an incomplete, perhaps a perpetration of yours with another, something you’ve hidden from your partner or your parents, perhaps even from yourself.  As in, “Pot calling the kettle black.” Could it be that you’re addicted to blame?

Perhaps you are experiencing the karma (the consequences) of supporting the deceit you perpetrated on both sets of parents to whom you presented yourself as an honest person, yet you conned your partner into having sex behind the backs of both sets of parents knowing it would cause upset and anger. It could be about an even earlier premarital sex relationship that you have hid from a significant person. Arrogance is believing that you got away with such deceits; arrogance always begs humbling. Could it be that you badmouthed your ex or supported your partner in blaming his/her ex ("He divorced me." "She cheated on me." "He was abusive." —all blaming lies) for their divorce? There are always undesirable consequences for abusive blaming or for non-verbally supporting it.

Correction to the above Scenario:

It should read, [You, using your unique sophisticated leadership communication-skills, have unconsciously intended that your partner commit a perpetration]. Perhaps you cleverly avoided asking specific deal-breaking questions at the very beginning and now find yourself blaming them. To hook them you sneakily didn’t define your boundaries up front. Read: Creating a marriage vow that precludes cheating, etc..

In any case, the truth is you don’t inspire integrity: You lost their respect early on else they would not insult you with such abusive behavior. They have unconsciously set you up to restore their integrity; if you “forgive” them, it will cause even greater disrespect. They intuitively knew that with some pathetic begging they could con you into forgiving them, to give them one more chance, as in "push-over," easily manipulated (no one would consciously treat another like this, especially a loved one). They cannot change/heal with you in their life. And, if you continue using the same leadership communication-skills, you will keep producing more of the same.

To begin restoring your integrity do The Clearing Process (it’s free and it works).

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Check back occasionally for minor edits (last edited 11/6/17)

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