Originally written by Kerry for
tutorial
reference material, rewritten for
Communication Weekly (which is no
longer is service).
In Preparation for your
Child's
First Lie
Let's begin with you
the reader. It's possible that you have not been caught for your very
first lie. In communication coaching jargon we use the word acknowledged
rather than "caught,"—caught carries a negative connotation. Your mother
may have asked if you brushed your teeth and you said, "Yup."
Unbeknownst to you, that unacknowledged lie is still affecting your
outcomes to this very day. Not that that lie was terrible or bad, but
that with its success you have compounded the karmic consequence of it
with thousands of lies since then. You discovered that adults are not
conscious and that they truly don't deserve your full respect. Why?
Because none have been sharp enough to catch you in your daily lies,
omissions, withholds, petty/gross deceits and your BS. It's almost
certain that there is no one with whom you are completely open, honest,
and spontaneous, zero withholds, (yes, the word "completely" here is
possibly condescending).
If you make your child wrong and admonish and
punish him/her for lying your child will have no choice but to emulate
your behavior, that is, he/she will grow up to lie at least as much as
you do.
Let's go back to your first lie to your mother. At the time she had so
many unacknowledged withholds, lies, and perpetrations herself that she
either didn't hear the lie or she heard it and because she was not
committed to being complete (and having you be complete) she let it
slide, for reasons. It's unethical to ask a child a question in which
the possibility is they might lie. To do so is to set up the child to
lie. Children are supposed to lie about teeth-brushing. That's just
what's so, and, you know this.
Actually we need to go back to just before that first lie, to when you
were virtually innocent. If you recall, you actually believed that your
mother could tell when you were lying. And for a while, when you were
very young, this may have been true. And then slight disrespects slowly
crept in, none verbally acknowledged to her. In the beginning she may
have been relatively conscious, so awake that she could simply experience
that something was out or wrong. Early in her marriage, and your life,
she may have had relatively few unacknowledged perpetrations. She may
have begun her marriage communicating openly and honestly with your dad.
Many married couples even make a promise to each other to never go to
sleep on an upset; that agreement becomes one of their first lies, which later
begets many undesirable consequences. Just because one is unaware that
they are lying ". . . till death do us part . . ." doesn't alter the fact
that they lied to each other. The significant difference between
conscious lies and unconscious lies are the consequence—because you say
so, not because I say so. Consequences are how we wake ourselves up.
I mention all this to bring to your attention that had your mother been
conscious, had her mind not been so cluttered with thoughts withheld,
(judgments, criticisms, white lies, upsets with your father, all stuffed
for reasons) she would have heard (gotten) your lie, as she had so many
other times. "H'm, looks like somebody didn't brush their teeth."
What we're getting at here is that it's important to keep in mind that
children are supposed to lie. That's what kids do. The experience of
lying and what happens when they lie is all part of the learning
process, getting to the place where they actually have a choice each
time, to the point where it becomes second nature to tell the truth.
They'll get it if you get out of the way. It's called discovery
learning. Children lie and grass is green. Making grass wrong for being
green is not very masterful.
The point being, you must intend for your child to lie when he or she is
lying rather than resist it. Intend that they do it until they have no
need to do it any more. Children lie in part because you have yet to
learn how to be a safe space for the truth to be told. If you make your
child wrong for lying then they have to do it all over again. You have
to handle your child in such a way as to allow them the space to
experience the experience of a lie; on their own, without you piling
another experience, of shame/guilt or thought's of worthlessness, on top
of their created experience. They must then discover their own
self-created consequence. As a matter of fact if you and I worked on it
we could remember that right after your toothbrush lie you didn't feel
good. You were out-integrity. In truth the lie affected your sleep that
night. It wasn't quite as restful. You half expected your mom to come
into your bedroom, wake you up, and give you one more chance to tell the
truth. Me, I learned to wet the toothbrush.
If you get in the way of learning, with self-righteous admonishments and
make-wrongs, then your child grows up either being a self-righteous
truth-telling machine or someone who lies—often in the form of living a
lie. The problem with turning out either way is that one doesn't have a
choice. Worse yet, a truth-telling addict will hold another in disdain
or even contempt once they catch them in a lie. Seldom does a deceived
person have the awareness to see that they were not a safe space for the
truth to be told, and so they blame the other.
Over the past
44+ years as a communication-skills coach I have
facilitated hundreds and hundreds of three-hour consultations. Only one
person in all that time went the entire three-hours without me hearing a
single lie. The point being, everyone lies. The problem is that most
have done it so often and have not gotten caught (acknowledged) that
they can no longer hear their own lies, they are so unconscious they
cannot hear many of the lies others tell, so clouded has the mind
become.
To empty your mind of life's accumulated unacknowledged lies,
perpetrations and withholds, visit the
The Clearing House and select
The
Clearing Process, one of four free communication processes in
support if restoring ones integrity. Do one clearing per day for five
days in a row. Afterwards, you'll notice that you can see and hear mo betta.
The
Integrity Process—a check list—is a perfect way to begin the new year
(it's free).