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Communication Tip:

Originally written by Kerry for tutorial reference material, rewritten for Communication Weekly (no longer in business).

More Effective Communicators—men or women?

Who's responsible for infidelities, domestic violence, and the lack of wage parity in the work place between men and women? Who drives a child to jail or to join a terrorist group?

If your answer is "both men and women" then you have a misunderstanding about
responsibility

Given that over the decades children have spent most of their waking hours with females (as mothers and teachers) it's tempting to draw the conclusion that women have the greatest influence over children. Why then we ask do most women still make less money than men for similar work? Who trains young boys to eventually treat women unfairly with such disrespect? Who teaches girls to put up with condescending verbal abuse? Who trains women to be so naive, so unconscious as to not be able to tell when their husband is
cheating or withholding some thought?

Who trains women to not be able to discern, within a few conversations, whether a man operates from integrity or if he is dragging around a lifetime of perpetrations for which he has yet to be acknowledged (caught) or who is withholding some significant thought?

Could it be that even though men spend less time with children they have the greater impact? If this were true it would mean that a father's communications (especially non-verbal and psychic) are more effective than a mother's.
* This conflicts with my forty+ years as a leadership-relationship communication-skills coach; what I've noticed is that everyone has the exact same amount of leadership-support skills, no more, no less. Some use their skills positively, to forward and motivate, while some use their support-skills negatively to thwart and take others down with them (yes, support can be either positive or negative); still others use their skills to effect and sustain mediocrity (as in null, or appearing to do nothing which is in fact a powerful something).** All three support-skills are equally powerful; all confirm Newton's Third Law of Motion— "For every action [or inaction] there's an equal and opposite reaction."

The way to tell to what end you have been using your support-skills is to look at the results those around you are producing. I.e. If your partner has turned into a couch potato who seldom helps with housework then you have trained and rewarded him/her. If your partner's weight is unhealthy then, no matter what you believe, that has been your intention. With both of these examples we see that the partner's leadership-communication support skills don't inspire one to opt for health. Also, we see that one partner, using his/her equally powerful support-skills, is unconsciously committed to thwarting the other so as to ensure their failure and the failure of his and her parents (parents measure success by whether they raised healthy, well adjusted, children with positive support-skills). The partners have unconsciously, non-verbally, conspired to support each other in hovering around in
mediocrity.***

So we ask, if men and women are equally powerful and equally responsible for the communication breakdowns that lead say, to infidelity, or low wages for teachers, what then is the source of this obvious condescending inequality both at home and the workplace?

It appears that this seldom-mentioned
conspiracy between men and women is an unconscious mutually agreed upon contract, a non-verbal pact? The implied agreement goes something like this:

Women: Your role is to let men think they are in charge, continue to act ignorant, don't develop your muscles—your self-defense, boxing/wrestling skills—don't
insist upon fidelity and, pretend you don't know when your husband is cheating on you. Keep in mind that there is always some controlling enabler who will "take care of you" one who supports you in not studying so as to have career. As teachers, keep ensuring that your students are not clear about responsibility; continue to support women in denying responsibility for date-rape and, most importantly, non-verbally support men in warring so that they kill off other violent aggressive warriors and, if possible marry someone in the military so as to get death benefits for life.

Men: Continue to support women in lying, saying they want parity in the workplace. Most importantly, do whatever it takes to ensure no one implements a communication mastery curriculum for our education and healthcare majors or your rule will come to an end.

This contract makes much more sense as it validates that we all have been communicating consistent with our intentions (however unconscious they may have been).

Just because one isn't clear about, or is unaware of, his/her intentions doesn't make the results any-the-less theirs. —Kerry

*
To think that women are more influential ignores the effects of non-verbally delivered unconscious intentions; that is to say, both parents, and both sets of grandparents, are intending all-day-long regardless of proximity (read about, The Intention Experiment.

** Here's a thought exercise about the effects of doing "nothing:" The way to ensure that 25% of all college freshmen continue to require remedial reading and comprehension classes—to ensure that school principals hand out diplomas to students who have not learned what was supposed to have been taught—is for you to continue communicating as you have been. It could be said—as you've suspected all along—we're all waiting for you to get off your ass.

*** All divorces began when both partners, on their first date, unconsciously, non-verbally, simultaneously, gave each other permission to deceive, to withhold his/her thought of choice from the other (there are no exceptions to this entanglement phenomenon

Note: This article may or may not contain any truths; its purpose is to stimulate conversations between you and yours.

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Check back occasionally for minor edits (last edited 10/13/17)

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