Communication Tip:

Originally written by Kerry for tutorial reference material, rewritten for Communication Weekly.

How to cause your child to do drugs

Children misbehave, do poorly in school, do drugs and search for love (sex) outside the family when parents lapse into their imitation of communication. When real/genuine communication takes place there is an experience of mutual satisfaction and love upon completion.

Children are integrity meters. A child can tell when his/her parents are not communicating openly and honestly with each other, when one* is withholding a thought from the other, specifically, when there's a breakdown in communication (when the child intuits that divorce is inevitable). A thought withheld serves as a barrier to the experience of love; the concept of love is there but there is no experience of it.

When the integrity of a family is out, when one or both parents are withholding thoughts from each other, children experience confusion; like a migrating bird, their very growth-compass starts to wander. When one parent decides to withhold a thought from his/her partner the thought floats around in the space between the parents and the child; the thought is being communicated non-verbally. The relationships went from being in-integrity to being out-integrity (something is missing or something has been added to the space). The experience of love that was is no longer, love has become conceptualized. Unresolved upsets between parents are very scary for a child, most always they (the child) assumes that they are causing the upset; this triggers fear and uncertainty.

Life for a child is a series of interactions, each one is experienced as being complete when everything is back to normal (hugs, kisses, and laughter).** When parents argue and don’t go through to completion, the interaction serves as a barrier to the experience of integrity (of being whole and complete). There’s something different about the expressions of love thereafter. It's possible a child can sense when a parent is first considering divorce.

Most often the cause of an out-integrity between parents is a perpetration, a make-wrong, a condescending remark, or a non-verbally delivered stink-eye. i.e. “Where the hell were you?” “Boy that was stupid!” “I told you not to buy that kind.” If an abuse is not acknowledged*** through to mutual satisfaction then the incident remains as an incomplete, most often for life.

The foremost barrier to communication mastery with one's spouse and children is arrogance; a parent's belief, that he/she can achieve and maintain health, happiness, and prosperity without communication-skills-coaching, drives most children to misbehave and eventually do drugs. Children search for the high and the experience of love that once came from communications with their parents. The parents are stuck, honestly believing they are in communication with each other and their child.

Lastly, if parents have succumbed to mediocrity, not on-purpose in life, not in service to their community, if they have become couch potatoes, then they don't generate the energy required to inspire their child to excel. A family that has succumbed to mediocrity generates thoughts of hopelessness (a child thinks—if my creators can't be happy, how could I ever be truly happy?), instead of the high that comes from mutually satisfying communications, drugs become a child's source of inspiration.

It's virtually impossible for only one partner to be withholding a thought from the other. If you sense that your partner is deceiving you about something, withholding a thought, then, if you're willing to look, you'll recall that you began the deceit by withholding one from him/her, probably on the very first date. Withholders always attract withholders, there are no exceptions to this phenomenon.

** In all instances in which a child is failing and doing drugs there have been few, if any, warm fuzzy hugs lately between one or more of the family members.

*** "I get that I was abusive earlier today. I know that it didn't feel good when I yelled at you." Notice that the acknowledgment doesn't contain an apology or explanations and especially not, "I'm sorry." An apology guarantees more of the same undesirable behavior. Read: The Clearing Process for a Parent and a Young Person/Teen.

BTW: I know of no college/university that offers communication mastery courses to its education majors; the prevailing belief is that it can't be done—for more, read about the Communication Skills Tutorial for Teachers.

Use this Comment form for comments/feedback (Free-no registration)

HTML Comment Box is loading comments...

To ask a question please go to Dear Gabby's Message Board (free - registration required).

Check back occasionally for minor edits (last edited 8/15/13)


Press Continue button to return to Index of Communication Tips.

[ top | Index of Tips | ComCom's Home Page ]