Many
parents have come to believe that all teens shut-down and go through a
rebellious disrespectful period lasting days, weeks, months, or longer.
This behavior is typically characterized by pouting, unhappiness,
abusive rudeness, sullenness, laziness, inconsiderateness, sloppiness,
resistance, poor grades, and one-word-answers to questions. What parents forget is
that their teen's behavior began (as it did with both of them when they
were young) with a single, as yet resolved upset, an unpleasant
interaction with someone that did not end with a warm loving hug. What's
exciting is that you can, within a single sit-down session, locate and
complete the incident (the dramatized upset) and recreate an experience
of supportive love (continue reading).
Dramatizing an unresolved upset by
pouting is a controlling
blaming communication (Look what you did to me! Nobody understands me.
And the biggie, You don't care enough about me to find out what's
wrong). Communicating in such a way as to cause another to be incomplete
(to worry, to be confused, to be concerned, to not feel good) is
abusive; such behavior always produces undesirable results,
affecting everyone's aliveness, eventually their very
health. Your child learned this way of relating, of manipulating
(controlling) others, by emulating you. Unless you have taught your
child to communicate
responsibly then non-verbal blames and make-wrongs are the only way
he/she knows how to communicate, "Hey, something's wrong. I'm stuck with
an
incomplete and no one is getting me. Can't you see, it's written on
my face? I'm carrying around hundreds of withholds. I'm incomplete."
But, here's the good news parent, it's not your fault; I know of no school
system that teaches students (future parents) how to communicate
responsibly. It could be said that you have set up your child to support
you in accelerating your communication mastery curriculum.
What's so is your child is mirroring your leadership-communication
skills. He/she has absolutely no choice other than to react to your leadership.*
You and your teen (and all household members and relatives with whom
each interact) have become stuck, each doing yourimitation of
communication. We know it's not communication because when communication
takes place problems are identified and disappeared and what's left is
an experience of supportive love. I say "your" because in this, and all
other matters, you are the leader.
During their formative years children mimic their parents; they are
programmed, totally motivated, to please parents, to make them proud so
as to get acknowledgment. If say, a parent is addicted to
withholding thoughts from his/her spouse then the child eventually stops
being spontaneous and starts hiding thoughts just like his/her parents
do with each other.
If parents argue and communicate abusively with each other, the child,
to be loved, will mimic them, thinking that this is the way family
members are supposed to relate with each other. Eighty percent of what a
child mimics are the non-verbal communications between parents, the
condescending put-downs, the rolling stink-eyes, the "whatevers,"
the resenting submissions (. . . all right, we'll do it your way . . .)
—stuff parents can't even see themselves doing.
If your teen is pouting he/she is non-verbally dramatizing an
incomplete, a specific upset. The incident took place on a specific day
and with one person. That incident is what's referred to as an
incomplete. It was an interaction, a communication, that was not
mutually satisfying. After that incident your child turned from being
spontaneous to being comparatively shut down. You have taught him/her to
stuff, to withhold, certain thoughts. Consequently, since then, he/she
has stuffed thousands of thoughts. Thoughts such as;
I wonder what it
would be like to have sex with . . . ? I hope dad doesn't find out I
stole pocket change from his pants. I wish mom and dad wouldn't argue. I
sure feel badly about hitting my friend. That didn't feel good. I wonder if mom knows I took the candy. That wasn't fair. I feel badly for lying
about my homework. I'm probably a sicko for masturbating so much. etc. I feel uncomfortable hugging dad.
When parents aren't a safe space for thoughts to be shared then certain
thoughts are stored and begin to sap ones aliveness. All child molesters
began with a single thought (I wonder what it would be like to . . .?)
which
they were afraid to share with a parent. Non-verbalized thoughts occupy
space, they serve as barriers to clear thinking, to studying
(comprehension), and to manifesting ones stated intentions.
What's exciting is that you can, within a single sit-down session,
locate and complete the incident (the dramatized upset) and recreate an
experience of supportive love; it's called the
Clearing Process for a Parent and a Young Person/Teen; it's
designed specifically for a parent and a young person/teen. If you wish
to do a clearing with your child you must first do
The Clearing Process yourself. Both processes are free, no hidden
costs.
*During each TV program of The Dog Whisperer we see that dogs mirror
their owner's unconscious non-verbal communications (tense, nervous, fearful, upset,
impatient, etc.). So too it is with children; a child has no choice
other than
to react to a parent's non-verbal communications, especially the
emanations of a parent's
out-integrity. It's virtually impossible to
withhold a thought or to remain upset in the space of someone whose
integrity is in—such is the space of their very beingness.
Use this Comment form for comments/feedback (Free-no registration)