One way to affirm/reaffirm your commitment to having open and honest
communication with your partner is to ask him/her to do the free
Clearing Process for Couples
with you; if he/she declines your invitation (always for reasons) you'll
discover something about intention and your leadership-communication
skills; most importantly, you'll discover that your partner has
resistance to being supported (as in developing and maintaining
a vibrant relationship with healthy
work, spending, eating, and exercising habits).
The Clearing Process for Couples is about creating a safe space for
you and your partner to verbally communicate all
withholds to each
other. A withhold is a significant thought withheld for reasons; a withhold serves
as a barrier to the experience of communication, and love, and to
manifesting the results you say you want. A mind occupied with thoughts
that have been withheld for reasons lacks space for creativity; one
can't create something in a space occupied by something else.*
"Verbally communicate" refers to the fact that everyone is always
non-verbally communicating their withholds to everyone. Typically,
couples accumulate an equal number of thoughts that both are withholding
from each other. These withholds are being communicated non-verbally
daily; withholds are the source of all miscommunications, condescensions,
put-downs, make-wrongs, dramatized anger, take-always, zings masked as
humor, arguments, and all
breakdowns in communication.
"significant" a thought is considered significant if sharing it verbally
would cause upset or anger.
It's impossible for
one partner to have withholds and the other to have none. A thought you
withhold from your partner automatically (instantaneously) creates them
withholding their thought of choice from you (for more about this
phenomenon [entanglement theory] read
The God Effect). A person who is
in-integrity, one who communicates openly and honestly, can see these
withholds on your face—you simply look bound up, not happy, lacking
vibrancy—it's an aura thing.**
If your partner declines your invitation to do The Couple's Clearing Process then you have a serious problem.
You are stuck; specifically, your leadership-communication
skills produce more of the same mediocre results. What's missing is a
commitment to having an ever-expanding, joyous, mutually-satisfying
relationship. If your invitation causes a "No thanks" then you'll know that it was
you who made something more important than insisting upon a foundation
of honesty.
Think back to when you first began dating, when, if you had
suggested doing a free communication process guaranteed to enhance the
experience of intercourse, it's almost certain your partner would have
agreed. If you are afraid to ask or, if you think, believe, or know that
your partner won't do the process with you now, then it's all over but
the drama. You are using your fear to destroy the relationship; it's
never ever the other person (the source of your fear is not your
partner).
If your existing relationship is such that your partner now refuses to allow
you to support them in growing, then I recommend that you (alone) do
The
Clearing Process. The
free process supports one's communications being consistent with his/her
intentions. That is to say, if the results you've been producing with
your leadership-communication skills aren't what you say you want then
you have not been clear about your intentions. The Clearing Process will
reveal what your intentions have been and create space for you to
formulate new intentions. *It's easy to tell when the mind
of an artist, author, architect, or composer has become clouded with
withholds; they lose their ability to create and so they become stuck
recreating variations of their original creation, euphemistically
referred to as style. I.e. Most Picasso paintings look like his other
paintings. To develop or restore your creativity do
The Clearing Process
for ten days in a row. Why ten? Because the mind hides stuff; a clearing
reveals just how out-integrity you have been. To paraphrase Pogo, you
have met da enemy and you is dem. It takes a Communication-Skills Coach
Trainee a minimum of 60-hours of clearings simply to be in
present-time—by recalling and acknowledging most of life's
perpetrations—so as to begin operating from integrity. Also, ten
clearings in a row requires impeccable integrity; once expanded by such
an experience of emptiness and completeness the mind cannot easily return to
its former state.
**When a child notices a breakdown
in communication between parents, when there's a withhold in the space,
when they sense a verbally unacknowledged perpetration (an out-integrity
such as deceit) in the space, when they sense the experience of love
between parents is missing, it affects the child greatly. They don't
know what to do. A child always thinks that they caused the breakdown,
that his/her parents are unhappy because of them. It creates confusion
and fear and so they begin to communicate irrationally so as to mirror
the irrationality of the way the parents are relating with each other.
The child begins to shut down, to be rude, to thwart, misbehave, punish,
fail, and even get sick; they do anything to restore the experience of
integrity (of love) that once was. When nothing else works they
dramatize the breakdown by bringing in help such as teachers, social
workers, or even the police. Children are integrity meters. When all's
well, when parents are in-communication with each other, a child is
happy and does whatever it takes to make his/her parents happy and
proud. There are no exceptions to this phenomena.
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