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Communication Tip:

Originally written by Kerry for tutorial reference material, rewritten for Communication Weekly which is no longer on line.

Commitment Test for Couples

One way to affirm/reaffirm your commitment to having open and honest communication with your partner is to ask him/her to do the free Clearing Process for Couples with you; if he/she declines your invitation (always for reasons) you'll discover something about intention and your leadership-communication skills; most importantly, you'll discover that your partner has resistance to being supported (as in developing and maintaining a vibrant relationship with healthy work, spending, eating, and exercising habits).

The Clearing Process for Couples is about creating a safe space for you and your partner to verbally communicate all withholds to each other. A withhold is a significant thought withheld for reasons; a withhold serves as a barrier to the experience of communication, and love, and to manifesting the results you say you want. A mind occupied with thoughts that have been withheld for reasons lacks space for creativity; one can't create something in a space occupied by something else.*

“Verbally communicate” refers to the fact that everyone is always non-verbally communicating their withholds to everyone.  Typically, couples accumulate an equal number of thoughts that both are withholding from each other. These withholds are being communicated non-verbally daily; they are the source of all miscommunications, condescensions, put-downs, make-wrongs, dramatized anger, take-always, zings masked as humor, arguments, and all communication breakdowns.

"significant" a thought is considered significant if sharing it verbally would cause upset or anger.

It's impossible for one partner to have withholds and the other to have none.
A thought you withhold from your partner automatically (instantaneously) creates them withholding their thought of choice from you (for more about this phenomenon [entanglement theory] read The God Effect). A person who is in-integrity, one who communicates openly and honestly, can see these withholds on your face—you simply look bound up, not happy, lacking vibrancy—it's an aura thing.**

If your partner declines your invitation to do The Couple's Clearing Process then you have a serious problem, if only that you are stuck; specifically, your leadership-communication skills produce more of the same mediocre results. What's missing is a commitment to having an ever-expanding, joyous, mutually-satisfying relationship. If your invitation causes a "No thanks" then you'll know that it was you who made something more important than insisting upon a foundation of honesty.

Think back to when you first began dating, when, if you had suggested doing a free communication process guaranteed to enhance the experience of intercourse, it's almost certain your partner would have agreed. If you are afraid to ask or, if you think, believe, or know that your partner won't do the process with you now, then it's all over but the drama. You are using your fear to destroy the relationship; it's never ever the other person (the source of your fear is not your partner).

If your existing relationship is such that your partner now refuses to allow you to support them in growing, then I recommend that you (alone) do The Clearing Process—one clearing per day for five days in a row. The process supports ones communications being consistent with his/her intentions. That is to say, if the results you've been producing with your leadership-communication skills aren't what you say you want then you have not been clear about your intentions. The Clearing Process will reveal what your intentions have been and create space for you to formulate new intentions.

*
It's easy to tell when the mind of an artist, author, architect, or composer has become clouded with withholds; they lose their ability to create and so they become stuck recreating variations of their original creation, euphemistically referred to as style. i.e. Most Picasso paintings look like other Picassos. To develop or restore your creativity do The Clearing Process for ten days in a row. Why ten? Because the mind hides stuff that reveals just how out-integrity you have been. To paraphrase Pogo, you have met da enemy and you is dem. It takes a Communication-Skills Coach Trainee a minimum of 60-hours of clearings simply to be in present-time—by recalling and acknowledging most of life's perpetrations—so as to begin operating from integrity. Also, ten clearings in a row requires impeccable integrity; once expanded by such an experience of emptiness and completeness the mind cannot easily return to its former state.

**
When a child notices a breakdown in communication between parents, when there's a withhold in the space, when they sense a verbally unacknowledged perpetration (an out-integrity such as deceit) in the space, when they sense the experience of love between parents is missing, it affects the child greatly. They don't know what to do. A child always thinks that they caused the breakdown, that his/her parents are unhappy because of them. It creates confusion and fear and so they begin to communicate irrationally so as to mirror the irrationality of the way the parents are relating with each other. The child begins to shut down, to be rude, to thwart, misbehave, punish, fail, and even get sick; they do anything to restore the experience of integrity (of love) that once was. When nothing else works they dramatize the breakdown by bringing in help such as teachers, social workers, or even the police. Children are integrity meters. When all's well, when parents are in-communication with each other, a child is happy and does whatever it takes to make his/her parents happy and proud. There are no exceptions to this phenomena.

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Check back occasionally for minor edits (last edited 6/29/17)

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