Communication Tip:

Originally written by Kerry for tutorial reference material, rewritten for Communication Weekly.

Thinking about getting back together?

Do you find yourself having occasional thoughts about getting back together with your ex? Following are some considerations—a bunch of thoughts to support you in making a decision—if you read this tip you may have an aha, a realization or an experience, that will, at least temporarily, allow you to think clearly. Conversations with your ex about this specific set of considerations will be of immense value during your mulling process.

To ensure successful communications about the possibility of getting back together both partners must first be willing to do The Clearing Process for Couples —this communication skills process is about acknowledging and completing life’s incompletes; it's about being willing to communicate from cause. The prerequisite for having the the clearing for couples work is for you each to first do The Clearing Process, separately. Both processes are free, no hidden costs.

To even be considering creating* a new relationship with a previous partner you must acknowledge yourself. Somewhere along the line there has been a shift in consciousness. Back when you separated, your priorities and values were different, you had lost your ability to communicate through to mutual satisfaction; you now have a better understanding of relationships and communication. It’s most likely that since then you have had a series of successful communications with others and so now you sense you can “get” and “be-with” everything you can envision.

* Keep in mind that you are not looking at “recreating” the old relationship; else, the leadership-communication skills you used to destroy that relationship will produce more of the same.

We begin with the fact that there is no hope of it working if you have not verbally acknowledged to your ex what you did to destroy the relationship the first time around. You must be absolutely clear what you did to mastermind the previous outcome (possibly including manipulating the other to cheat on you or to initiate the divorce). In other words, you both must be willing and able to responsibly verbally communicate your previous creation, step-by-step, argument-by-argument, without blame. What this does is it makes each partner aware of what to look for, the signs that portend a future potential fork in the road; most importantly, both partners will be able to ask, “What should I do when you are non-verbally dramatizing a withhold or an upset?” "What should I do when something you say or do feels abusive?"

About forgiveness: If you think that forgiving your ex, or extracting a forgiveness from him/her is essential for a new rerlationship then you have a misunderstanding about responsibility and cause. It doesn't work to magnanimously forgive someone for something you (unconsciously) manipuated them into doing—something you set them up to do using your highly sophisticated leadership-communication skills—things such as cheating, lying, etc.  Keep in mind, it was your integrity that caused/rewarded the deceit. A person addicted to deceit always attracts a fellow deceiver; there are no exceptions to this phenomenon.

Grandparents often acknowledge that they had no idea how to raise a child; they honestly believe that given another chance they would now do a much better job. This is only a belief. If you’re not satisfied with how you did it the first time what makes you think that understanding more about child-rearing will produce better results? Understanding and knowing more about communication is virtually worthless.**  This is partly because the neural pathway developed in the brain for the very first abusive communication has become a superhighway the mind now automatically uses to get itself out of (to survive) an upset or an uncomfortable situation. It is possible to develop an alternate pathway via a conscious choice.

For example: You are probably programmed to get upset when someone does something stupid. Incidents that used to trigger upset will most likely still trigger an upset. Your task is not about trying to stop yourself from becoming upset; rather, it’s about choosing to communicate an upset responsibly. Most importantly, it's about acknowledging each and every instance of abuse as soon as possible. In other words, it’s possible to disappear an automatic reaction, this is done through communication; specifically, to recall an earlier and similar incident (ideally the very first childhood incident) and to tell the truth about your cause (without blaming) for that earlier less-than-satisfying outcome. Eventually you will disappear the reaction. i.e. Another’s lie won’t upset you.

** Notice that all education majors (teachers) have been introduced to the fundamentals and principles of communication; they know a lot about and understand the communication process, yet few have the leadership-communication skills to cause students to consistently turn in their homework neatly and on time. Here in Hawaii, for decades, more and more university freshman students require remedial composition/comprehension courses so as to learn what their high school teachers failed to teach them.

Keep in mind that your ex probably still has the same sense of humor, or is still lacking humor (nary a joke or prank the first time around). Their hygiene, breath, and eating habits are pretty much the same as are their manners. At first you may notice that generosity and considerateness has improved; depending upon your acknowledging-skills these behaviors will or won’t continue. Remember, your leadership-communication skills anchored in (rewarded) these very same absent behaviors the first time around.

Let’s revisit when you first met your ex. What thoughts did you hide from your date? Were you being open and honest with your parents? Were you keeping your parents updated as to the stages of intimacy as they developed or did you deceive them and have sex behind their backs (knowing full well they would be disappointed, upset, and hurt, knowing that it was in fact, abusive to them). Equally important, did you support your ex in deceiving both sets of parents. Such deceits reveal non-verbalized disrespects of ones parents. These disrespects must now be verbally delivered; this is because until you learn how to communicate openly, honestly, and spontaneously with your parents, you won’t be able to do so with any partner; you are still programed to withhold and deceive.

Breakdowns in communication for most couples began during dating, and while engaged. All divorces begin with the first thought consciously withheld. The first time you chose to withhold a thought from your partner, automatically caused (created space for) him/her to withhold their thought of choice from you. There are no exceptions to this phenomena. In other words, all deceit was created by you. It’s not possible to create and sustain an intimate relationship with a partner who communicates openly, honestly, and spontaneously except that you also must adopt that leadership communication model.

Here are a few typical thoughts couples withhold from each other when they first meet:

—herpes (deceitfully withheld until one hooks them)

—abuse in a prior relationship (must be communicated from how you caused (intended) the abuse). Read and discuss the rumored No Fault Abuse Law

—chronic abuse between family members (to submit a loved one to your family's addiction to abuse is not a gift of love, see estrangement)

—high school cheating (you have yet to acknowledge to anyone (ideally your teacher) that you cheated or you silently supported another in cheating)

—strongly held beliefs about spanking (you were raised to believe that yelling, hitting, spanking is not abusive, therefore, if necessary, you will eventually spank your own child)

—strongly held beliefs about who’s the boss in a marriage. There are three basic relationship models: 1. Authoritarian, Me Tarzan—you Jane.  2. Power-Source, in which the Source agrees to serve Power and Power acknowledges the source of his/her power: essential for a harmonious divorce. 3. Democratic, all decisions are voted on; with models 2 & 3 both partners have toys of equal value, as opposed to the man having a boat, golf clubs, a motorcycle and beer money; this martyrism "sacrificing" by the woman eventually produces resentments and unfair (contested) divorce settlements

—he/she is great but if truth be told—not your #10

—for those who have had sex with others, often the oral sex is not as good as you’ve had with another (an excellent reason for virginity)

—often men hide their fantasy of a three-some thinking they can con their partner later, conversely women hook by communicating a very remote possibility, instead of declaring, 'NO WAY! EVER!"

—you hid from your date that you had one or more other dates that you were holding on to just in case . . .

—often one’s parents will withhold thoughts to the effect that they know their son/daughter is not ready for a relationship (thereby unconsciously hexing the relationship so as to be right)

—perhaps your parents withheld from your fiancé that they knew you were lazy, too selfish, too angry, too argumentative. In other words, they silently dumped their child on someone else; they know that it was not a gift of love to their child’s future in-laws.

—it would be both unethical and irresponsible (not a gift of love) to drag someone into your family if you know your family is addicted—to abuse, drugs, etc.—without first having estranged yourself from your family, and to have your partner's agreement that they can support the estrangement agreement (especially when it comes to shielding your children from such in-law abuse).

Love: Love is a function of, a by-product of, communication. When communication takes place it always results in the experience of love. When a couple lapses into doing their imitation of communication (referred to as talking) they lose their ability to recreate the experience of love within a single sit-down conversation.

Most people don’t know that the love that “happened" when they first met was just that, a happening triggered by euphoria-generating chemicals manufactured within the body.*** For many, what they thought of as love was merely peak emotional experiences—the kind a complete person experiences with everyone. We know this to be true because later in the relationship few were able to recreate an experience of love through a sit-down conversation. Typically, both partners began to withhold thoughts from each other on the very first date. Minor upsets were forgiven or tolerated in the name of harmony. Both partners began to accumulate these incompletes (communications/interactions that were not resolved through to mutual satisfaction). In short, the space between couples becomes filled with crap so that there is no space for the experience of communication, of love.

*** People from loving families, people who are whole and complete, are used to the experiences of love; the body's chemically induced euphoria of love is not as overpowering when they first begin dating. They have learned how to generate the experience of love through conversations.  Teens from families that do not communicate openly, honestly, and spontaneously, are desperately searching for the experience of love they know is possible; they have not discovered that love is generated through true intercourse—that their experience of love is generated from chemicals the body manufactures; therefore, when they start to create breakdowns in communication they do not know how to recreate the experience of love through sit-down conversations.

More to follow.

Use this Comment form for comments/feedback (Free-no registration)

HTML Comment Box is loading comments...

To ask a question please go to Dear Gabby's Message Board (free - registration required).

Check back occasionally for minor edits (last edited 8/16/14)


Press Continue button to return to Index of Communication Tips.

[ top | Index of Tips | ComCom's Home Page ]