Thinking about getting back together?

Do you find yourself having occasional thoughts about getting back together with your ex? Following are some considerations—a bunch of thoughts, to support you in making a decision—if you read this tip you may have an aha, a realization or an experience, that will support you in operating from choice. Conversations with your ex about this specific set of considerations will be of immense value during your mulling process.

To ensure successful communications about the possibility of getting back together I recommend that you first do the Clearing Process for Professionals so that you can then invite your ex to also complete the process. Then both of you can do Clearing Process for Couples —these communication-skills processes are about acknowledging and completing life's incompletes; it's about being willing to communicate responsibly, from cause.  Both processes are free, no hidden costs.

To even be considering creating* a new relationship with a former partner you'd do well to acknowledge yourself. Somewhere along the line there has been a shift in consciousness. Back when you separated your priorities and values were different, like most you had lost your ability to communicate through to mutual satisfaction; however, now you have a better understanding of relationships and communication. It's most likely that since then you have had a series of successful communications with others and so now you sense you can "get" and "be-with" everything you can envision that might come up.

* "creating" —keep in mind that you are not looking at "recreating" the old relationship; else, the leadership-communication skills you used to destroy that relationship will produce more of the same.

We begin with the fact that there is no hope of it working if you have not verbally acknowledged to your ex what you did to destroy the relationship the first time around. You both brought your addictions to deceiving, to blaming, to abusing and to being abused, into the relationship beginning with the fact that you both withheld significant thoughts from each other on or before the very first date. You must be absolutely clear what you did to mastermind the previous outcome (possibly including manipulating the other to cheat on you or to initiate the divorce). In other words, you both must be willing and able to responsibly verbally communicate your previous creation, step-by-step, argument-by-argument, without blame. What this does is it makes each partner aware of what to look for, the signs that portend a future potential fork in the road; most importantly, both partners will be able to ask, "What should I do when you are non-verbally dramatizing a withhold or an upset?" "What should I do when something you say or do feels abusive?"

About forgiveness: If you think that apologizing to your ex, or forgiving, or extracting a forgiveness from him/her, is essential for a new relationship then you have a misunderstanding about responsibility and cause. It doesn't work to magnanimously forgive someone for something you (unconsciously) manipulated them into doing—something you set them up to do using your highly sophisticated leadership-communication skills—things such as cheating, lying, etc.  Keep in mind, it was your integrity that caused/rewarded the deceit. A person addicted to deceit always attracts a fellow deceiver; there are no exceptions to this phenomenon.

Grandparents often acknowledge that they had no idea how to raise a child; they honestly believe that given another chance they would now do a much better job. This is only a belief. If you're not satisfied with how you did it the first time what makes you think that understanding more about child-rearing will produce better results? Understanding and knowing more about communication is virtually worthless.**  This is partly because the neural pathway developed in the brain for the very first abusive communication has become a superhighway the mind now automatically uses to get itself out of (to survive) an upset or an uncomfortable situation. It is possible to develop an alternate pathway via a conscious choice.

For example: You are probably programmed to get upset when someone does something stupid. Incidents that used to trigger upset will most likely still trigger an upset—unless you've spent time with a communication-skills coach. Your task is not about trying to stop yourself from becoming upset; rather, it's about choosing to communicate an upset responsibly. Most importantly, it's about acknowledging each and every instance of abuse as soon as possible. In other words, it's possible to disappear an automatic reaction, this is done through communication; specifically, to recall an earlier and similar incident (ideally the very first childhood incident) and to tell the truth about your cause (without blaming) for that earlier less-than-satisfying outcome. Eventually you will disappear the reaction. I.e. Another's lie won't upset you.

** "worthless" —all education majors (teachers) have been introduced to the fundamentals and principles of communication; they know a lot about and understand the communication process, yet few have the leadership-communication skills to cause students to consistently turn in their homework neatly and on time. Nationwide, for several decades, 25% of all college/university freshman have required remedial composition/comprehension courses so as to learn what their K-12 "teachers" failed to communicate.

Keep in mind that your ex probably still has the same sense of humor, or still lacking humor (nary a joke, prank, or delightful surprise the first time around). Their hygiene, breath, and eating habits are pretty much the same as are their manners. At first you may notice that generosity and considerateness has improved; depending upon your acknowledging-skills these behaviors will or won't continue. Remember, your leadership-communication skills anchored in (rewarded) these very same absent behaviors the first time around.

Let's recall when you first met your ex. What thoughts did you hide from your date? Were you being open and honest with your parents? Were you keeping your parents updated as to the stages of intimacy as they developed or did you con each other into deceiving both sets of parents, having sex behind their backs (knowing full well they would be disappointed, upset, or hurt, knowing that it was in fact, abusive to them). Such deceits reveal non-verbalized disrespects of ones parents. These disrespects must now be verbally delivered; this is because until you learn how to communicate openly, honestly, and spontaneously with your parents, you won't be able to do so with any partner; you are still programed to withhold and deceive.

Breakdowns in communication for most couples began on their first date when both, automatically, simultaneously, withheld a deal-breaking thought from the other. All divorces begin with the first thought consciously withheld. The first time you chose to withhold a thought from your partner it automatically caused (created space for) him/her to withhold their thought of choice from you. There are no exceptions to this entanglement phenomena. In other words, all deceit was created by you; and, you magnetically created a partner to mirror you. It's not possible to create and sustain an intimate relationship with a partner who communicates openly, honestly, and spontaneously except that you also must adopt that leadership communication model—zero significant thoughts withheld.

Here are a few typical thoughts couples withhold from each other when they first meet:

—a non-verbalized decision (a plan) to have, or not have sex, on the first date.

—declaring boundaries, verbalization of behaviors that would automatically annul (without a second chance) the relationship/marriage—such as physical abuse, cheating, drugs, illegal activities.

—withheld personal/family health issues (deceitfully withheld herpes or family mental health/DNA issues—until one hooked them).

—abuse in a prior relationship (must be communicated from how you caused (intended) the abuse). Read and discuss the rumored No Fault Abuse Law.

—chronic abuse between family members (to submit a loved one to your family's addiction to abuse is not a gift of love, also see estrangement).

—high school cheating (you have yet to acknowledge to anyone (ideally your teacher) that you cheated or you silently supported another in cheating).

—strongly held beliefs about spanking (you were raised to believe that yelling, hitting, spanking is not abusive, therefore, if necessary, you will eventually spank your own child).

—strongly held beliefs about who's the boss in a marriage. There are three basic relationship models: 1. Authoritarian, Me Tarzan—you Jane.  2. Power-Source, in which the agreed-upon Source agrees to serve Power and Power acknowledges the source of his/her power: essential for a harmonious divorce. 3. Democratic, all decisions are voted on; with models 2 & 3 both partners have toys of equal value, as opposed to the man having a boat, golf clubs, a motorcycle and beer money; this martyrism "sacrificing" by the woman eventually produces resentments and unfair (contested) divorce settlements.

—he/she is great but if truth be told—not your #10.

—for those who have had sex with others, sometimes the oral sex is not as good as you've had with another (an excellent reason for virginity) and you withheld that thought from your ex.

—often men hide their fantasy of a three-some, or anal sex, or swallowing ejaculate, thinking they can con their partner later; conversely, women sometimes hook a partner by communicating a very remote possibility, instead of declaring, 'NO WAY! EVER!"

—you hid from your date that you presently had one or more other relationships (seeing another or others) that you were holding on to just in case . . .

—often one's parents will withhold thoughts to the effect that they know their son/daughter is not ready for a relationship (thereby unconsciously, non-verbally hexing the relationship so as to be right).

—perhaps your parents withheld from your fiancé that they knew you were lazy, too selfish, too angry, too argumentative. In other words, they silently dumped their child on someone else; they know that it was not a gift of love to their child's future in-laws.

—it would be both unethical and irresponsible (not a gift of love) to con someone into your family if you know your family is addicted—to abuse, drugs, etc.—without first having estranged yourself from your family, and to have your partner's agreement that they are willing to support the estrangement agreement (especially when it comes to shielding your children from such in-law abuse).