Communication Tip:

Originally written by Kerry for tutorial reference material, rewritten for Communication Weekly.

Canít stop getting angry?

If you frequently find yourself getting angry at your parents, spouse, or children then this tip will be of value.

For this article we'll agree that there are two types of anger:

1. Anger that's what you say it's about. i.e. burnt toast. When you express this type of anger the anger is gone within seconds; It disappears because the truth of what the anger was about was communicated.  Elizabeth Kubler Ross, On Death and Dying, wrote that genuine (appropriate) anger typically lasts less than ten seconds.

2. Anger that is triggered, say, by burnt toast, but represents an accumulation of other upsets (other interactions) that have not been completed through to mutual satisfaction. This type of anger is characterized by dramatization; the anger is exaggerated, prolonged, and abusive. This dramatization usually includes references to prior incidents, always communicated irresponsibly from blame. The source of this anger gets carried forward into all future interactions.

In communication coaching jargon we say that a person who is dragging around hundreds of incompletes (life's conversations that were not mutually satisfying) is said to be bound up emotionally; they are unaware that they alone have been source for all the breakdowns in communication between them and others. Those who hang around them are also doomed to a life of mediocrity with little or no joy and giggling. The premise being; an actualized person, one whose day is full of service, one who is whole and complete (acknowledged for all of life's perpetrations and accomplishments), flows through various emotions dailyóhappiness, joy, fear, disgust, anger, apathy, uncomfortableness, confusion, sadness, etc. ówith an overall generally upbeat pleasant personality. Seen on the street they would be judged to be friendly and approachable

With anger that pops up more and more frequently perhaps you've noticed that trying to stop getting angry doesn't work; it simply causes your addiction to anger (yes, it is an addiction) to persist. Anger keeps popping up because youíre not addressing the source of, the cause of, the anger. Whatís worse is you've been making yourself wrong and often you apologize; both behaviors, making yourself wrong and apologizing, guarantees more of the same undesirable behavior. This same apology-mechanism kicks in for other addictions such as cheating or drinking. i.e. The lie most parolees tell to Parole Board Members, ďIím sorry, I wonít do it againĒ is an excellent predictor that the behavior will be repeated. What would work is the truth, ďI got that it didn't feel good to [victim] . . . I believe I've addressed the source of the problem however, I donít know if I can be trusted to not do it again.Ē An unconscious self-righteous Parole Board Member who elicits and accepts an apology unconsciously sets up the apologizer to repeat the undesirable behavior. "I believe ex cons are the most qualified to be on Parole BoardsóKerry

Your anger is your integrity at work; itís the Whole-You reminding the Incomplete-You that you need to clean up something from the past. Youíve been dragging around an incomplete, a less-than-satisfying interaction left over from an earlier incident, most likely when you were young.

An incomplete can be a withhold, an unacknowledged perpetration such as an abusive interaction (usually something during your childhood); often there's someone else who is also still incomplete, still experiencing the effects, the karma, from the incident, from how you communicated with him/her.

For example: If as a child you were yelled at, spanked, or hit for something (for anything) and the abuser has yet, to this day, acknowledged that they know their reaction (their communication) was in fact abusive, then the both of you are incomplete about that incident. i.e. "Son, I get that my yelling didn't feel good. I know it was abusive." Now add hundreds of other similar abuses perpetrated on you, or by you on others, and you can begin to get a sense of how many incompletes (less than satisfying interactions) youíve been dragging around into each present-day interaction.

What completes any less-than-satisfying interaction is an acknowledgment (instead of unconscious denial) and, a mutually satisfying communication (with another, a journal, The Clearing Process,* or even with yourself).

Another example: If as a child you lied, cheated, or abused someone then your anger could be you reminding yourself to clean up an earlier perpetration. That is to say, your integrity wonít let you both achieve and sustain the experience of health, happiness and prosperity until you clean up lifeís perpetrations. In fact, youíll keep setting up life to have others thwart you and youíll continue to blame them instead of acknowledging that your integrity is out.

In short, we keep setting up life to get complete about incident #1, the very first incident/perpetration.

* Use The Clearing Process (it's free) to support you in being whole and complete, to operating from integrity.

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Check back occasionally for minor edits (last edited 9/12/17)


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