If you frequently find yourself getting angry at your parents,
spouse, or children then this tip will be of value.
For this article we'll agree that there are two types of anger:
1. Anger that's what you say it's about. I.e. burnt toast, stubbed toe,
etc. When you
express this type of anger the anger is gone within seconds; It
disappears because the truth of what the anger was about was
communicated. Elizabeth Kubler Ross, On
Death and Dying, wrote that genuine (appropriate) anger typically
lasts less than ten seconds.
2. Anger that is triggered, say, by burnt toast, but represents an
accumulation of other upsets (other interactions) that have not been
completed through to mutual satisfaction. This type of anger is
characterized by blaming dramatization; the anger is exaggerated, prolonged, and
abusive. This dramatization usually includes references to prior
incidents, always communicated irresponsibly from blame. The source of
this anger gets carried forward into all future interactions.
In communication coaching jargon we say that a person who is dragging
around hundreds of incompletes (life's conversations that were not
mutually satisfying) is said to be emotionally bound up; they are
unaware that they alone have been source for all the
breakdowns in communication between them and others. Those who hang
around them are also doomed to a life of
mediocrity with little or no
joy and giggling. The premise being; an actualized person, one whose day
is full of service, one who is whole and complete (acknowledged for all
of life's perpetrations and accomplishments), flows through various emotions
daily—happiness, joy, fear, disgust, anger, apathy, uncomfortableness,
confusion, sadness, etc. —with an overall generally upbeat pleasant
personality. Seen on the street they would be judged to be friendly and
approachable
With anger that pops up more and more frequently perhaps you've noticed
that trying to stop getting angry doesn't work; it simply causes your
addiction to anger (yes, it is an addiction) to persist. Anger keeps
popping up because you're not addressing the source of, the cause of,
the anger. What's worse is you've been making yourself wrong and often
you apologize; both behaviors, making yourself wrong and apologizing,
guarantees more of the same undesirable behavior. This same
apology-mechanism kicks in for other addictions such as cheating or
drinking. I.e. The lie most parolees tell to Parole Board
Members, "I'm
sorry, I won't do it again" is an excellent predictor that the behavior
will be repeated. What would work is the truth, "I got that it
didn't feel good to [victim's name] . . . I believe I've addressed the
source of the problem however, I don't know if I can be trusted to not
do it again." An unconscious self-righteous Parole Board Member who
elicits and accepts an apology unconsciously sets up the apologizer to
repeat the undesirable behavior. "I believe successfully paroled
individuals are the most qualified to
serve on Parole Boards." —Kerry
Your anger is your integrity at work; it's the Whole-You
reminding the Incomplete-You that you need to clean up
something from the past. You've been dragging around an
incomplete, a less-than-satisfying interaction left over from an
earlier incident, most likely when you were young.
An incomplete can be a withhold, an unacknowledged perpetration such as
an abusive interaction (usually something during your childhood); often
there's someone else who is also still incomplete, still experiencing
the effects, the karma, from the incident, from how you communicated
with him/her.
For example: If as a child you were yelled at, spanked,
or hit for something (for anything) and the abuser has yet, to this day,
acknowledged that they know their reaction (their communication) was in fact abusive, then the
both of you are incomplete about that incident. I.e.
"Son, I get that my yelling didn't feel good. I know it was abusive."
Now add hundreds of other similar abuses perpetrated on you, or by you
on others, and you can begin to get a sense of how many incompletes
(less than satisfying interactions) you've been dragging around into
each present-day interaction.
What completes any less-than-satisfying interaction is an acknowledgment
(instead of unconscious denial) and, a mutually satisfying communication
(with another, a journal, The Clearing Process,*
or even with yourself).
Another example: If as a child you lied, cheated, or abused someone then
your anger could be you reminding yourself to clean up an earlier
perpetration. That is to say, your integrity won't let you both achieve
and sustain the experience of health, happiness and prosperity until you
clean up life's perpetrations. In fact, you'll keep setting up life to
have others thwart you and you'll continue to blame them instead of
acknowledging that your integrity is out.
In short, we keep setting up life to get complete about incident #1, the
very first incident/perpetration.
* Use
The Clearing Process (it's free) to support you—in being whole and
complete—to operate from integrity.
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