Acknowledgment:
Any verbal, non-verbal, physical, or psychic*
communication with oneself (intra-personal), or another (inter-personal), that affirms a result. I.e. "I
did ..." "I produced . . ." "You produced . . ." "We produced . . . " "They produced . . ."
Variable:
A communication variable is something that
either enhances*
or serves as a barrier to communication, something that affects
outcomes. I.e. Goals, prosperity, happiness, health, love. Examples
of Acknowledgments:
I want you to know that I . . .
I want you to know that we . . .
I know that what I just said didn't feel good.
That didn't feel good.
That was good.
Thank you.
You haven't answered my question.
That's not what I asked for.
I got that I'm late.
You're late.**
Thank me for doing the dishes.
Pouting, roll-eyes or other non-verbalizations that communicate
disrespect or upset.
Note:The words, "I want you to know" are not at all
necessary.
If an acknowledgement is
missing, ask for it. Most people are addicted to accumulating
blaming make-wrongs (interactions that have not been communicated
responsibly (from cause) through to mutual satisfaction); they then use the
collection of incompletes as ammunition during each argument and save
them up for a divorce. I.e. "You always . . ." "You never . . ."
Notice that a clean acknowledgment is a what's so
communication (this is what is so for me); it doesn't include a judgment or a make-wrong.
Communications have a beginning, a middle, and an end. An
acknowledgment is the end of an interaction, it completes a communication.
"GO TO YOUR ROOM!
" delivered in anger, is the beginning of an
acknowledgment; it communicates anger. The blaming communication is the middle of an interaction
because
it is not yet mutually satisfying. What completes the acknowledgment is, "I
get that my yelling at you
earlier
today didn't feel good. You did a good job cleaning your
room. Thank you."
Whenever there is a
breakdown in
communication between two, whenever the results are less than desirable,
it can always be traced to the fact that something is not being acknowledged
verbally. I say verbally because you can
acknowledge an upset non-verbally, (as in shunning, pouting, or
roll-eyes). We say the test, as to whether a communication is complete,
is if it is mutually satisfying. The difference between talking and
communicating is that with talking one assumes no responsibility for
ensuring mutual satisfaction. When two talk about a problem the problem
persists.
For example:
Teacher-A says to Teacher-B; "Several of my
students don't do their homework." Days later, Teacher-A
still has the same problem.
Here we see that Teacher-B supported
Teacher-A in blaming, in dumping
a problem in his/her space, and in producing more of the same results.
Neither acknowledged the source of the problem. Teacher-A has not
formulated an intention for his/her students to turn in their homework
neatly and on time and, blames the students. A responsible communication would
be, "I don't know
how to create a mutually satisfying homework agreement
with my students and parents." The following story illustrates the importance of
acknowledgement.
First Contact—Acknowledgment—a Story:
Picture if you will that you have been floating around in
the universe for as long as you can remember, just floating along, taking in
the mind-blowing scenery. And, that you have been alone. You've always been
alone and as far as you know you are the only one in the universe. It could
very well be this scenario isn't far from the truth but that's a bit
existential for this simple story about acknowledgement.
Notice we don't continue the story with, "And then one day .
. ." because there are no days or nights, there's not even time as we
know it. So, all of a sudden, literally from nowhere, you see something
different off in the distance and it's coming towards you. It's both confusing
and exciting. The closer it comes the more experiences and emotions
it triggers. Then the reality of what you're seeing sinks in; it's something
that looks pretty much like you. As this other you approaches it generates a
flood of thoughts and questions.
Once it's within hailing distance you say, "Hi!" But Self #2
doesn't reply, it just ignores you. And so you repeat your greeting but a
bit louder, "Hi. Are you real?" A flood of questions follow, "Can
you see me?"
"Can you hear me?" "Am I real?" Still no reply, and as it floats by and
off into stellar darkness you yell out desperately, "Hey!
Don't go. Where are you going?"
Not a nod, not even an obscene gesture (which, dear reader, I think would
be hysterically funny), nothing. Now you're left with gazillions of thoughts
and for the first time ever you are
incomplete. A part of you seems to
be missing; definitely something has been added. You are
out-integrity
for the first time ever; you've had your first interpersonal communication,
and it wasn't mutually satisfying. It will affect you and all your
communications for life; such is the power of an incomplete relationship. The end. Actually there's more, because it poses the
question of whether or not you are real; without another to acknowledge you you
can't know for certain, such is the power of a simple acknowledgement. A
nod, a smile, a purposeful avoidance, a condescending put-down, even a punch
assures you that you are having an effect, that you are real.
—Kerry
Due in part to fear of being alone and ignored a baby
will (after repeated crying/bed shaking doesn't work) bang its head on the crib, physically destroying itself,
just to be acknowledged. Most homeless people are stuck dramatizing the
fact that no one is acknowledging their magnificence, their value; they
will destroy their body and mind so as to be right that we are wrong for not
getting who they really are.
So, before we drift away from each other, I say, yes,
to me you
are real. Yes, you are having an effect, especially your non-verbal
communications, and yes, you are entertaining me—as in causing me to think in your
direction, (a reaction to the experience and thoughts that have been
triggered between us). You do have my attention; I teach and write stories for
you. Without you I am both nothing and everything. And, the biggie, yes,
I love you.
The above Self #2 scenario supports a
communication model, a way of communicating, in which Self #1 [you]
intend that Self #2 [another] says what they are saying. It's a
wonderful model for couples because it virtually eliminates arguing. In
other words, it doesn't make sense to argue with your self —that which
you are intending (causing) another to say. For more about acknowledging read —
communication breakdowns.
*"psychic"The Intention Experiment: Lynne McTaggart. Among dozens of research experiments having to do with
intention as a communication variable Lynne's
book describes several that measure the effects of prayers and of hexing—as
with psychic intentions. Which do you think are more effective—prayers or
hexing? "Psychic hexing" = non-verbal thoughts/silence, the
conscious/unconscious intention to thwart another. All relationship failures were intended (however
unconscious they may have been) by both parents. A conscious parent does
whatever it takes to effect harmony.
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**"I'm
upset that you're
late" when delivered non-verbally on the first date is possibly the beginning of the divorce
process. Such a withhold communicated non-verbally affects each and
every interaction—for life. We are not as forgiving as we believe we are.